Tag: Humor

Friends, Humor May 28, 2009May 28, 2009

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

“I really don’t think I need buns of steel, I’d be happy with buns of cinnamon.”
-Ellen DeGeneres

I'm not sure that chucking someone who benchpresses literally more than you weigh is a good idea...

Venice has a personal trainer, Miyagi, who has spent the last couple of months kicking her butt up and down a treadmill on her quest to lose some weight. However, after next to no results after the torture (and I’m not using the term facetiously, the girl can hardly walk after Miyagi puts her through her paces!), Venice called me after work one day a while back.
“It’s not working, C.”
“Well, have you tried talking to him about it?”
“We’ve tried everything! Both of us are frustrated, we’re not progressing at all and I just feel stuck. I think maybe it’s the birth control that’s making this so hard.”
This conversation sounded eerily familiar.
“Hold on a second,” I said, “are you…breaking up with him?”
She paused for a moment. “Yeah! I’m dumping him!”
“Er…can you dump a trainer?”
“Watch me!”

However, the other day Miyagi apparently had one last plan to salvage their floundering relationship. He’s completely reworked her nutrition plan and workout and she’s decided that she will try one more time (for the children). The menu actually seems pretty good and I’ve decided to join in with her for a while since I know I don’t get enough protein or eat as well as I could.

Of course, my work is trying to scupper my good intentions right off the bat. It’s Officer Lampost’s birthday and the tradition is to order out for someones birthday. And Sgt. Andes just filled all our candy jars to the brim. Very nice, but it doesn’t exactly inspire one to be sacrificing in the way of sugar! And breakups are hard, if Venice takes it badly we may both leap headfirst into the vat of Mars Bars togther!

Humor May 27, 2009May 27, 2009

Scientific Progress

“I love fools’ experiments. I am always making them.”
-Charles Darwin

Ve haf made several discoveries ve vould like to share!

To absolutely no one’s surprise I am sure, I am a walking hazard. Seriously, if it were ten million years ago and the destiny of the future human race depended on me surviving the evolutionary gauntlet, you would not be reading this now. Natural forces are not my friends. Some of my most recent forays into the realm of accidental scientific inquiry have been absolutely ludicrous!

Ecology:
On a whim I purchased some little tomato plants and herbs to plant along the tiny garden the tenants of our building share. I’m no suburban housewife, but fresh veggies and cilantro means fresh salsa and that’s an idea I can totally get behind. However as I toted my prizes out to the garden, I took a look around and belatedly realized that I did not, in fact, own so much as a trowel. Not willing to risk my manicure I hunted around frantically for even a stick but I hunted in vain. Finally, as I stared at the sad, wilting little troopers in their too-small plastic pots, I was seized with inspiration! I dashed up to my flat and grabbed a spoon from the sink and raced back down to send dirt flying. I had just finished and was surveying my biological kingdom with pride when a whole troop of the upstairs neighbors, none of whom I’ve yet met, wandered by. There I stood: mad post-workout hair, fists on hips, stance of victory, with (as I later discovered) streaks of dirt on my face…and spoon clenched tightly in my fingers. All three of them gave me the fish-eye and hurried upstairs without saying hello.

Thermodynamics:
Not content with dirtying my only clean spoon in the garden, I wreaked more havoc in the kitchen by making myself dinner last night. Apparently the microwave gets freakishly hot because I pulled a glass plate that I’d used to heat some chicken from it (the plate didn’t seem too hot to me) and started to run it under water…a spiderweb pattern shot through the whole thing and less than a second later it had fallen to pieces in my hands. I tossed the bits away and went to bed moody.

Pathology:
See here if you haven’t already.

Gravity:
My enemy! You wouldn’t think it possible to trip on an elliptical machine where your feet are firmly planted, would you? Somehow I managed, twice. I scattered the entire contents of my makeup case while getting ready yesterday morning, I dropped food down the front of my shirt while J. watched laughing on monday, and nearly did a cartwheel going down my stairs this morning (crisis averted by clutching the railing to save my sorry hide).

However! I not only now have PBS (how else am I supposed to keep up with my British television and BBC period dramas?), but our basic cable package also came with the History Channel! My nerdy soul rejoices! Even if I don’t live long enough to contaminate the gene pool with my faulty, clumsy, ridiculous DNA I will still die entertained.

Humor, Weird May 22, 2009May 22, 2009

A Humorous Vignette

“A bachelor’s life is no life for a single man.”
-Samuel Goldwyn

Sometimes I think J. keeps me around just for the pleasure of watching the constant stream of wacky, inexplicable, laughable things that seem to happen to me. We were cuddling at his flat last night, watching the basketball game with some of his flatmates, when he ran his hand down my arm, paused, and laughed, “You’ve got goosebumps.”
“No,” I answered in confusion and felt along my bicep as well. There were some little bumps, but they weren’t goosebumps. Perplexed I felt again because, in spite of the lack of redness or anything, it felt like an allergic reaction.
“What have I touched?” I demanded, glancing around the bacherlor pad.
“Well…you did touch The Blanket.”

It should be explained at this point that The Blanket has maintained a residence on one of the boys’ three sofas for as long as J. and I have been dating, and to this day I’m not entirely sure who it belongs to (as I’ve heard two names put forward as the owner). I’ve also never personally seen anyone sleep under it, wrap oneself in it, cuddle with it, or any of the other uses a blanket in such a position usually adopts. Obviously, it is regarded with a degree of wary respect/fear by visitors.

I bolted off the sofa and stared at The Blanket, which I now realized I had been leaning against while watching the game, oblivious to my danger.
“What’s in that thing,” I snapped in fear, scratching at my arm, “smallpox?!”

I still have no idea what happened. But I have another item on the list of why I’m enjoying having a place to myself (as if I needed any more after the wretched Exploding Milk Incident, the memory of which persists and keeps me from buying more than half gallon jugs out of fear of a reprisal).

Drama, Humor May 21, 2009May 21, 2009

A Freak Out In the Style of Margot

Disheartening : knowing that your fitness goals (lose about one pound every two weeks) are attainable and therefore you have absolutely no excuse not to achieve them.
Soul-destroying : working out religiously all week only to discover you have gained a pound instead of lost it.

GAH!, C. cries out to you in angst.

But, C., you say helpfully and soothingly, you know that muscle weighs more than fat and you have been sticking to your weight lifting with admirable regularity. You spend an hour in the gym every weekday, and sometimes saturdays, and you try really hard to eat a balanced diet, you even take vitamins. And look how flat your stomach is! The arm flab is gone too! Do try and have a little perspective here. And C., you say a little more firmly and with much less patience, it is one pound. Surely your melodramatic tendencies can be put to more effective use on another angsty problem.

No! (C. wails) I am picking up my wedding dress on Saturday and already in a nervous panic to see what they alterations girls have done to it and now I am the size of a walrus! And it’s not even about the wedding (C. howls, swathing herself in sackcloth)! I know it’s just one pound. It’s just one of those days: I’m fed up with my job, my internet keeps cutting out, and I gained a pound. And I really…want…a brownie…! !

You, shaking your head in disgust and turning about sharply, merely curl your lip. C., you are being ludicrous. Let’s talk when your sense of reality reinstates itself.

(Humbly) Ok.

Fashion, Friends, Humor, Wedding May 20, 2009May 20, 2009

Eve vs. The Apple

“Look for the woman in the dress; if there is no woman, there is no dress.”
-Coco Chanel

It never fails. Whenever I recommit to frugality (and, though I don’t mind spending money, I already do live well within my limits) I remember something I need to buy, find a place that tempts me to dump money into it, or go shopping with Venice. Usually some combination of the three.

Last night was the third option. I told the girls I asked to be bridesmaids long ago that I want them to pick out a dress they liked, that flattered them, and that they could wear again…I had no idea it would mean frantic searching and agony on their part, I thought I was doing something nice! Venice and I went on the hunt for bridesmaids dresses, and since we live in wedding central, we reasoned, surely there must be something. Two hours later we had encountered monstrosity after monstrosity (long, hunter’s orange, chiffon with a BOW! I didn’t know they actually were legally able to sell something that ugly!) and I could tell she was getting frustrated enough to chew nails! David’s Bridal was explored and discarded, some pretty dresses but ridiculously priced and the alterations would cost a separate fortune. Other bridal shops were the same, the dresses in varying degrees of loath-ability. We’re about the same height (aka short) and let me tell you, no one makes pretty petite bridesmaids dresses. In fact, I’d say that very few people make pretty petite clothing for women in their early twenties period, but that’s an entirely different rant for another day. As if finding a nice bridesmaids dress wasn’t a chore to begin with, finding one in a “specialty size” was pretty near impossible, we continue to be confounded by our height (or lack thereof).

Finally we through in the towel (after we had both stopped into Anchor Blue for flip flops because we both needed a pair, were still both in our work heels, and dying) and slumped home in defeat. Then! At 10 o’clock she called (ironic, since we now live two doors down from one another) and I hurried over to see this marvelous site: Shabby Apple. Another friend had introduced me to it months ago but the memory of it was long gone. It’s a small business run out of Salt Lake City, UT and they sell nothing but fabulous dresses! She found one she really liked (it’s so classy, and not something vile that one tosses in the back of a closet never to be seen again) so we ordered it and we’re now a step closer to being done with this whole parade!

…of course, there were repercussions…I’ve had next to nothing to do at work today so I spent the day cruising the website, having to physically restrain myself from whipping out the credit card! I’m currently drooling over a few and debating which to buy first when I’m no longer out of my I’m-getting-married-and-have-better-things-to-spend-my-money-on hell. …that and today I’m buying a pair of stunning emerald earrings to wear on the big day. A girl can’t have everything. At least not all at once.

For your horror/viewing pleasure you may check out the following. I can’t belive so many people are this cruel to their friends!

Drama, Family, Humor May 18, 2009

Fake It Till You Make It

“Do we have any plans tonight?”
“We could get dinner or catch a movie.”
“Sounds good.”
“By the way, my parents are coming tomorrow.”
“Gah! Scratch that, we’re cleaning!”
-C. and J.

stressed Future parents-in-law coming to see the flat where their son will be living once he marries me = mad dash to scrub bathroom, wipe down kitchen, throw multiple lemons down (our incomprehensibly aggravating) garbage disposal, make bed, stash Victoria Secret bags/boxes and issues of Cosmo from scandalous friends (seriously, people, are you trying to get me killed?!) , and spray whole house with happy, fresh apple scent. All for half an hour of sitting in our living room making small talk. And since I have NO food in the place (thank goodness they didn’t look in the FRIDGE!) I had to wait until today to buy myself a post-parental Cafe Rio Tres Leches cake!

I have no idea why I’m so terrified of his parents, they are some of the world’s nicest people! I think I’m afraid that they’ll find out that I’m not very nice myself…

Humor, Work May 14, 2009May 14, 2009

Come With Me If You Want To Live

“I’d be very well advised to have you revoked.”
“Revoked?”
“Yeah. K-I-L-L-E-D. Revoked.”
-Douglas Adams

I wish I could be this terrifying. I suspect I would find it useful.

One of my office duties is the hiring and firing of all our students employees (of which there are legion) and all the requisite paperwork that goes along with it, a process that is casually referred to as “termination.” I hate the word “termination,” it makes me feel as though, rather than firing these kids, I’ve quietly disposed of them for having outlived their usefulness to the department (side note, my official title is Criminal Secretary, which I always thought made me sound like Don Corleone’s personal assistant so maybe terminating people is fitting, but I digress). No matter how you slice it, whenever I’m given a packet and told to terminate someone I feel like a bad person.

Another problem I have with “terminating” people are the supervisors who tell me whom to terminate in the first place. Probably my biggest beefs with the sergeants over campus, library, and museum security is the fact that none of them are able to get that paperwork to me on time. We’re not talking a day or two late, here, I’m talking months and/or years! In the last two days I’ve processed the paperwork for about a dozen individuals who’ve graduated, transferred, moved, flunked out, or whatever in 2007 and no one informed our department! My inbox couldn’t even support the total paper weight! I don’t suppose I can quietly dispose of my superiors, now can I? “Hasta la vista, baby!”

Humor, Snark, Work May 13, 2009

Stupid People In Large Groups

“To summarize the summary of the summary, people are a problem.”
-Douglas Adams

Kiri used to have this up as her desktop background. I used to think it was funny. I now consider it a sad truth.

I have again been smacked in the head with the realization that while in terms of skill and efficiency I am constantly getting better at my job, I may not be mentally cut out for it for one very important reason: I dislike silly, annoying, bad-decision-making people. But what sort of people do you think we deal with at a police station, especially one on a university campus?! Pranksters anxious to go down in campus legend, freshman drunk on the feeling of being away from home for the first time, crazy drivers, anxious students, stalkers, druggies, thieves, and occasionally the seriously out of touch. And I mean seriously dangerously out of touch. Basically, the sort of people that make me go quietly mad and bang my head the wall of futility that encompasses the entire human race (especially on a friday afternoon). Dealing with these characters day in and day out is exhausting, even my hyperactive personality can’t sustain the level of intense vexation these individuals deserve!

Occasionally, though, when I’ve had a very trying day and that French Bakery is looking even more tempting than usual, there are moments of delight. I got home from the gym the other night, absolutely dreading some of the stuff I had to do that evening, only to find J. doing the dishes and wiping down the kitchen. He then helped me put together invitations for almost all of his friends before sending me to bed early. Pure Bliss.

Humor, Shameful, Work May 5, 2009May 5, 2009

Get A Grip…

“‘You could always try relaxing.’
Relaxing! She was way too hyper!”
-Marian Keyes

Long ago I discovered that I work best when I frame my life projects and goals as battles to be won (yes, I am Napolean reincarnated). Thus my life is tiny parade of tiny crusades that I participate in valiantly and no one really cares about but me. Case in point: blackheads. Hate ’em! Loathe em! I have a mission, nay, a calling to eradicate those nasty little buggers and a whole arsenal at my disposal including cleansers, extractors, a new toy – Clean ‘n Clear Blackhead Eraser – recommended by Venice and seconded by me, and Biore Pore Strips, aka God’s Gift to Noses. Want to seriously gross yourself out? Slap one of those babies on and see how much gunk it pulls out of your face!

Of course, this mentality has side effects. Since I’m in a state of perpetual warfare with blackheads I often make the mistake of thinking other people are too. So when I see people merrily prancing through their lives, seemingly indifferent to the noxious body waste pooling in their pores, I just want to attack them with salic acid. The crusader aiming a sword stroke at the Turk and demanding, “Convert, heathen!” while they stare back in confused disdain, “What exactly is your problem?”

Occasionally my battles are of a more productive variety. I’ve written several times of my Battle of the Bulge, even though I’ll be the first to admit that since buying a dress the ferocity of my attacks have put a serious dent in enemy flanks (plus my own flanks, I might add smugly). I’ve also campaigned against landlords, laundry piles of epic proportions, work projects, more recently wedding planning, mountains during hiking trips, treadmills, and shoes that think I won’t be able to break them in (HA!).

I am aware that this is a rather exhausting way to live life. For example, the university does this health reward program which gives participants $25 per lifestyle even they chose to participate in. This month it’s a goal to walk a certain amount every day. Not a problem, I though originally, I can easily meet that quota during my gym time. But then I looked online today…and some guy (with an unfortunately chosen Lord of the Rings nickname, I think he’s trying to be one of the characters) had already logged ten times what I had. Just counting at the gym, was I?! I THINK NOT! I dashed over to the university health center and got myself one of their sad, cheap little pedometers and have been annoying people with it’s rattling sound ever since! Competitive? Me?

Friends, Humor, Wedding, Working Out May 4, 2009

T-Minus Two Months

“Whenever a woman asks me ‘What’s the best way to lose weight?’ I tell her, ‘Get engaged.'”
-David Zinczenko

Nothing like a form hugging (breath constricting) gown to make a girl commit!

Yes, folks, my caloric intake is down and my amount of time at the gym is up. My sleep is heavy and my morning yogurt is “light.” My waistline is in and my muscles are out (in a sleek, feminine sort of way). Barring any mental breakdown and the metric ton of brownies that I would medically require to get over it, roll on July 1!

In other wedding news, Catriona helped me get started on invitations and announcements last saturday, so my stress level in that department has bottomed out, bless her! We threw on Some Like it Hot, I addressed (my handwriting is still awful) and she stuffed envelopes and stamped. With the list much shorter now, life seems so much more bearable.

And in weddings other than my own, good grief! It seems like I get an invitation to a reception, shower, or hen night every day! J. and I went to Marie’s sister’s reception last week, his best friend is getting married this weekend, Kays is getting married the weekend after that, and I get a brief reprive the week after that (unless you count my final dress fitting-which will hopefully be angst free as long as those brownies aren’t required!).

Small Dog Syndrome