Tag: Humor

Fashion, Humor, Shopping, Weekend

March. Hare.

“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!'”
~Robin Williams

After months of self-imposed austerity, the fashion gods decided to toss temptation my way…and I threw up my hands in defeat.

In my defense, it wasn’t a fair fight!  J. Crew sent me one of their promo cards for 20% off and Gap Inc. did their 30%-off-and-5%-goes-to-charity sale, so what was I to do?  J. needed new jeans and khaki trousers, and I needed a couple of summer work shirts.  So Saturday I headed into the City and indulged before returning home and atoning by doing massive piles of laundry and watching the NCAA tournament.

Of course, this faint whiff has revved my appetite and I can’t help noticing that cute new clothes are popping up like daisies.  And to make it worse, the weather has started feeling like Spring too – prompting the desire for vivid skirts, glaring cardigans, and cute sandals.

Calm down, C.! You know your winter-fogged brain can't handle this overload!

Spring always makes me go a little crazy, and not just with clothes.  I want to rip anything I own in black, navy, or gray to shreds because I’m sick of neutral and sensible.  I want to eat tons of vegetables and fruit in chilled pastas and smoothies and never see a pot roast again.  Hearing birds after months of silence makes me giddy (starlings and sparrows roost in our building’s roof, J. hates waking up to them, but I love it).  Seeing the grass slowly, teasingly turn green thrills me.  And, freak that I am, Daylight Savings Time makes me happy.  I’m no longer driving home in the dark – which makes me want to curl up on the couch under a blanket, snack on junk food, and refuse to make dinner.  Instead I get home with at least an hour of light, which makes laundry feel doable as opposed to a drudgery.

Autumn is still my favorite season, but Spring always wakes me up and I love it when it comes.

Humor

Bracketology

“There are really only two plays:  Romeo and Juliet, and put the darn ball in the basket.”
~Abe Lemons

Remember the tale my  conversion to American football?  Well, much to J.’s annoyance, this love never really spread to basketball – and while he likes football just fine, the boy loves basketball.  It’s his mistress.  This is an accepted facet of our relationship and we got on just fine, the three of us.  But come March, good grief!

This year J. made me fill out a bracket, largely against my will, and was pretty amused by my picks.  And granted, the science behind it wasn’t very sound.  If I’d never heard of the school before, it lost.  If I knew of both the schools, it came down to which mascot would win in a fight.  A couple of times I closed my eyes and pointed.

No one s more surprised than me that every one of my picks hasn’t failed mightily.  Want to share your wisdom or picks with the group?

Health, Humor

This is Your C. on Drugs

“Like everybody else, when I don’t know what else to do, I seem to go in for catching colds.”
~ George Jean Nathan

Kittens!  I am so sick of being sick!  In desperation I went to the doctor yesterday (which since I’m normally a pretty healthy person, is highly unusual) and in order to calm my swollen throat I was prescribed antihistamines.

The trouble is, antihistamines have a very peculiar effect on me.  About half an hour after taking them I turn into a hyperactive cross between a more than usually destructive two year old and a terrier.  Everything is funny and the only way to live is running around in circles until you drop from exhaustion.  It’s the pharmaceutical equivalent of watching Monty Python and the Holy Grail at two in the morning.  After this high comes the crash and I drop into a comatose state from which not even the zombie apocalypse could wake me.

Even after I do manage to wake up (a dozen or so hours later), the lingering traces of chemicals in my blood stream mean that throughout the next day I will get waves of intense tiredness.  Quite suddenly my head will drop or my vision will blur and I feel like I just need to lie down for a few hours.

Unfortunately this last bit is where I am now and it’s making work more difficult.  I’ve already scattered a package of dried oatmeal all over the floor and caught my fingers in my keyboard and it’s not even 11am.  I’m afraid I’ll do myself an injury long before 5pm.

Humor, Money, School

Top Score

“Creditor. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions.”
– Ambrose Bierce

As J. and I contemplate and plot for grad school, by far the biggest question we have is, “How in Pluto’s dark depths are we going to pay for this?!”  The response is, of course, financial aid and debt.  Out of curiosity and as a way to start looking into loans, we decided to get our credit scores.

Both are excellent…but mine is four points higher!

C. – 1
J. – 0

Friends, Humor, Weekend

Another One? But We Just Revolted 50 Years Ago!

“No, I won’t do it!  I’m revolting!’
“…I know what you’re trying to say, but you should know that’s not how it’s coming out.”
– Georgie and C.

Once a month J. and I get together with Angel and Hotty.  Hotty and J. are both from the City and were in Korea together at about the same time, although their paths didn’t really cross until they married Angel and I (respectively), but now we’re the coolest foursome of Couple Friends you ever did see.  We watch movies, treat each other to our favorite restaurants, and generally pal around.  Every once in a while one of us scores a deal and we all get to partake.

Last Friday, for instance when Angel got four tickets to the musical A Tale of Two Cities.  A night out at the theatre, good company, but no I wasn’t entirely transported.

Let's face it. It's hard to make this sort of thing enjoyable.

Why?  Because while I was sick with the plague I watched Les Miserables in concert for its 25th anniversary, and had just listed to the soundtrack of The Scarlet Pimpernel a couple of days earlier.  I like my French revolutions with either A) delicious foppery, or B) soul wrenching redemption.  You simply can’t beat the humor of The Scarlet Pimpernel, or the power of Les Miserables – fun family fact, Les Mis is the only musical to ever have made me cry.  Kiri and I watched it at the Queen’s Theatre in the West End and wept.  Buckets!

J. played along although he isn’t as big a fan of musical theatre as I am and made stereotypical American comments stereotyping the French.  Although I will grant him, they really never got their whole revolutionary act together (any sort of cultural event that gets lovingly nicknamed the Reign of Terror can probably be labeled a failure).

In any event, it was too like Les Mis for me, despite the totally different revolutions.  The downtrodden rise up, and it ends badly.  The most standout characters are villainous (In LM the Thénardiers, in ToTC a graverobber and his cronies).  Main character is a man who has changed his name to escape his past and is continuously running from it.  In both plays the characters are driven to their various acts of self-sacrifice for the love of a little girl.  Etc., etc., etc..  Oh I enjoyed it, but like I said, not entirely transported.

Probably because I strongly dislike Dickens…

Holidays, Humor

Lenten. Fast.

“I get a little behind during Lent, but it comes out even at Christmas.”
– Frank Butler

Anyone engaging in self denial this Spring, or are you throwing yourself into unabashed hedonism and indulgence?  I tried to think of something to give up this year but found myself at a loss.  I’ve already given up junk food, I’ve been too sick to indulge any other bad habits lately, and I swore off shopping long ago with the advent of J.’s grad school decision.  I’m a paragon of virtue these days, kittens.  And let me tell you, it’s dull as tombs!

Ergo, some irreverent humor for you, care of someecards.com.  Psst!  The last one’s my favorite!

Health, Humor, Weekend, Work

Walking. Wounded.

“Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn’t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn’t learn a little, at least we didn’t get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn’t die; so, let us all be thankful.”
– The Buddha

Chinchillas!  I’ve just emerged from a four day bout with a sinus infection/cold/fever and things are still a bit woozy at chez Small Dog.

J. got it first, poor guy, and just when he was struggling free of it, bam!  I woke up Saturday morning with a fever and chills and it all went south from there.  No amount of vitamin C could put a crack in this thing and I ended up taking both Monday and Tuesday off of work – an unprecedented event.

Anyway, I may still not have hearing in my left ear, my throat may be clogged with gunk, and every time I stand up I may feel dizzy, but you should have seen the pile of work on my desk when I got in this morning!  I really couldn’t have left it another day.  Also, most daytime television is pretty terrible and I didn’t think I had it in me to watch The Price is Right one more time.

Small Dog’s Tips for Curing the Plague:

  1. Airborne.  I don’t care what anybody says, my clan swears by this stuff.
  2. Per Mum’s strict training, drink a large glass of water or orange juice every hour, on the hour to keep you hydrated and to clear out the grossness.
  3. Watch Jane Austen movies, or old black and white classics (my preference?  The Women – the 1939 version, avoid the 2008 remake like the very plague you are trying to expel).
  4. Ricolaaaaaaaaa cough drops.
  5. Chicken soup, not just for the soul.

Hope your weekend was a little more perky than mine.  What did you do?  Share and cheer me up a bit?

Food, Humor, Office, Work

Some Perfidious Fiend…

“We should start a witch-hunt!’
– Daisy

Currently wailing in sackcloth over this thing...

…stole my favorite kitchen implement ever, my orange peeler!  The niftiest thing ever invented for a consummate citrus lover.  I left it with an orange to chill in our (fortified and limited access) dispatch room’s refrigerator and when I returned a couple hours later, it, my orange, several salad dressing packagers, and a bag of carrot sticks had been snatched.

In spite of the jokes and sitcom stories of this sort of thing, this is my first incident of food being stolen in nearly 3 years of office work.  Also, what sort of ruffian steals healthy food from the office fridge?  Aren’t the soda cans labeled “Property of T-Dawg” and the “secret” candy bars in the freezer usually the first to go?

So, orange peeler thief, you’re on notice.  Either return it unharmed and be spared, or suffer the vicious voodoo curse I am prepared to unleash on you!

Angst, Education, Humor, Money, University

Financial. Aid.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
~ Andy McIntyre

Woof, ducklings!  I thought the application process for J.’s grad school was grueling and soul destroying…but it is as nothing compared to working out how to pay for it!

Where will we live?
How much can we contribute ourselves?
How much, then, will we need in loans?
Federal, private, or both?
and most importantly…
Will we have to sell any kidneys and/or future children to pull this off?

We must write such moving personal statements that the entire selection committe will be moved to tears/frenzy/generosity. See photo for desired effect.

Last night we stayed up past 1am writing (another!) personal statement, this time for a scholarship application.  Let me just say here, that between J.’s experience and my editing, we have streamlined this sort of midnight activity to a science.  In fact reading the earliest application essays and comparing them to the last one we put together was hilarious – especially considering that earliest and probably least polished piece of work is the one that got him into the school we’re most excited about.  Who can fathom the ways of grad school selection committees?

Naturally staying up that late working on something that will only decide the course of our destiny is not conducive to stress free and happy Small Dogs.  I was frighteningly stressed and humorless about it all, I’m afraid, but J. seems to find this sort of angst in me amusing – granted I was especially klutzy last night and after midnight all sorts of incoherent things start coming out of my mouth, so maybe I’m better company than I thought.

So far this work is paying off, though.  J. has one fabulous scholarship offer to school A and now we’re just waiting to see what school B will throw at us (we’re dreadful tarts, you see, money buys our affections).  We’ve callously kicked schools C and D to the curb.

We’ll be making a final decision sometime in the near future.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I simply have to go breathe into a paper bag just thinking about it…

Fashion, Humor

Who Are You Wearing?

“Fashion is made to become unfashionable.”
– Coco Chanel

Alright, darlings, did anyone else get a slight feeling of “meh” watching the Academy Awards’ red carpet?  Just me?  Don’t get me wrong, there were some good and some bad and we shall judge them momentarily, but I thought many of them just sort of fell somewhere in the middle.  In recognition of the so-so gowns, we’ve added a new category this year, for your reading pleasure.

The trends this year seemed to be cap sleeves, red, purple, and nude-ish colors, and there were a lot of successes – I’m feeling the cap sleeves particularly for some reason, I like the lady-like vibe of it all.  Also!  Did anyone notice the emeralds everywhere.  Loving the green!  Thoughts?  Raging disagreement?  Let me know.

The Good

– Bow down, mortals!  Cate Blanchett is here and she’s wearing a Givenchy dress that no other woman on earth could possibly pull off.  Seriously, name one other woman alive who could wear that dress and make it look half as stunning, I dare you.
– Mila Kunis in Elie Saab.  She gets points for being on-trend and bringing some much-needed oomph.

– Amy Adams in L’Wren Scott, we’re judging this ensemble separately.  The jewels (emeralds!) are fabulous and the dress is as well, but let’s face it, that necklace and that neckline should not have been paired.  Still, I love the silhouette and the navy.  Also, I want that bracelet!
– Annette Bening in Naeem Khan.  Still showing the love for the cap sleeves and emeralds, so I’ve got to show her some love right on back.  Plus I think grays are undervalued hues and she’s rocking this one.

– Dame Helen Mirren in Vivienne Westwood.  Bow down again, mortals, you will never be this fabulous at any age.
– Jennifer Hudson brought color in Versace.  Best.  Weightwatchers Ad.  Ever.

The Meh – (a new category, born of desperation)

– Did anyone else think that this Valentino wasn’t all that great on Anne Hathaway?  I liked it from the waist up, but the bunches seemed dated…I just didn’t like it.  I thought some of her actual ceremony gowns much better.  Cue the rage-fest, I’ve already ducked.
– I can hear you from here.  “Why, C.,” you say, “if you liked the cap sleeves so much, why is Michele Williams – in Chanel no less – ranked here?”  For a number of reasons.  First she always looks identical on the red carpet: blonde pixie cut, really pale color dress, a bit of a tween look, and for some reason this gown does nothing for her figure.

– Reese Witherspoon, currently campaigning for Miss America (darling, what exactly was the though process behind your pageant hair?) in Armani Prive.  Nice dress, nothing truly spectacular, but she does get some Small Dog emerald love.
– An increasingly pregnant Natalie Portman in Rodarte – naturally.  Her earrings looked like something she picked up at a street vendor’s kiosk, somewhere where tourists converge in startling numbers to do crass things in loud voices and take pictures of themselves.

The Bad

– Scarlett Johansson in Dolce and Gabanna.  Good.  Bleeding.  Grief.  Someone’s grandmother’s doily sprouted a head and decided to go the Kodak Theatre.  More remarkably, somebody let it inside and took pictures of it.
– Nicole Kidman.  Oh, Nicky.  Like unto Charlize Theron last year, you picked a predatory Dior gown, and it accosted you in public.  However, we loved the red shoes.

– Penelope Cruz in L’Wren Scott.  Last year she was wearing a dress that I wanted to rip from her back, run away with, and play Miss Havisham with for the rest of my life.  This year my disappointment knows no bounds.  On the upside, she acquired a sexy husband so here’s a tip o’ my hat to you, madame.
– I don’t even know who Sharon Stone is wearing, and I can’t care.  Because any second now she’s going to morph into something mythical and ravenous, and she’s going to come after you.  And you will die.  Run.

The Ugly

– Melissa Leo in Marc Bouwer.  See Scarlett Johansson.
– Florence Welch in Valentino.  Words fail me.

Best Dressed

– Hailee Steinfeld in a lovely, age-appropriate, and uniformly pretty Marchesa.  The shoes, the headband, the hair, all of it, I was very impressed.  This girl is here to stay, fashionably and theatrically.  Also, J. would like it recognized that he thinks she deserved the Oscar and is extremely bitter that she didn’t get it.

Some notes on the evening’s entertainment:
– Melissa Leo drops more F-bombs than the King’s Speech.  Luckily the censors weren’t napping, well done.
– Anne Hathaway can sing.  Who knew?
– James Franco as Marilyn Monroe.  Try sleeping tonight.
– Christian Bale forgets his stunning and talented wife’s name.  Oops.
– J. blames John Williams’ musical genius for the horrendous Star Wars prequels.
– Cate Blanchett.  So fabulous it hurts.
– What the heck?!  President Obama?
– What the heck?!  Oprah Winfrey?!
– Oh Robert Downey Jr., you’re so witty.  And charming.
– I don’t care that she sings country, I still find Gwyneth Paltrow unbearable.
– Also, apparently she can’t sing very well.
– Too many P-words in a row for Hale Berry.  Better than Melissa Leo’s faux pas.
– Annual Hilary Swank debate: Hot or Not?  (J. says no.)
– “The Triangle of Man Love” is a phrase that probably should not be uttered on basic cable
– Anyone surprised Natalie Portman won?
– I was fully prepare to riot if Colin Firth didn’t win Best Actor, but it’s all right.  Stand down, minions!
– The King’s Speech won!