“Fashion is made to become unfashionable.”
– Coco Chanel

Alright, darlings, did anyone else get a slight feeling of “meh” watching the Academy Awards’ red carpet?  Just me?  Don’t get me wrong, there were some good and some bad and we shall judge them momentarily, but I thought many of them just sort of fell somewhere in the middle.  In recognition of the so-so gowns, we’ve added a new category this year, for your reading pleasure.

The trends this year seemed to be cap sleeves, red, purple, and nude-ish colors, and there were a lot of successes – I’m feeling the cap sleeves particularly for some reason, I like the lady-like vibe of it all.  Also!  Did anyone notice the emeralds everywhere.  Loving the green!  Thoughts?  Raging disagreement?  Let me know.

The Good

– Bow down, mortals!  Cate Blanchett is here and she’s wearing a Givenchy dress that no other woman on earth could possibly pull off.  Seriously, name one other woman alive who could wear that dress and make it look half as stunning, I dare you.
– Mila Kunis in Elie Saab.  She gets points for being on-trend and bringing some much-needed oomph.

– Amy Adams in L’Wren Scott, we’re judging this ensemble separately.  The jewels (emeralds!) are fabulous and the dress is as well, but let’s face it, that necklace and that neckline should not have been paired.  Still, I love the silhouette and the navy.  Also, I want that bracelet!
– Annette Bening in Naeem Khan.  Still showing the love for the cap sleeves and emeralds, so I’ve got to show her some love right on back.  Plus I think grays are undervalued hues and she’s rocking this one.

– Dame Helen Mirren in Vivienne Westwood.  Bow down again, mortals, you will never be this fabulous at any age.
– Jennifer Hudson brought color in Versace.  Best.  Weightwatchers Ad.  Ever.

The Meh – (a new category, born of desperation)

– Did anyone else think that this Valentino wasn’t all that great on Anne Hathaway?  I liked it from the waist up, but the bunches seemed dated…I just didn’t like it.  I thought some of her actual ceremony gowns much better.  Cue the rage-fest, I’ve already ducked.
– I can hear you from here.  “Why, C.,” you say, “if you liked the cap sleeves so much, why is Michele Williams – in Chanel no less – ranked here?”  For a number of reasons.  First she always looks identical on the red carpet: blonde pixie cut, really pale color dress, a bit of a tween look, and for some reason this gown does nothing for her figure.

– Reese Witherspoon, currently campaigning for Miss America (darling, what exactly was the though process behind your pageant hair?) in Armani Prive.  Nice dress, nothing truly spectacular, but she does get some Small Dog emerald love.
– An increasingly pregnant Natalie Portman in Rodarte – naturally.  Her earrings looked like something she picked up at a street vendor’s kiosk, somewhere where tourists converge in startling numbers to do crass things in loud voices and take pictures of themselves.

The Bad

– Scarlett Johansson in Dolce and Gabanna.  Good.  Bleeding.  Grief.  Someone’s grandmother’s doily sprouted a head and decided to go the Kodak Theatre.  More remarkably, somebody let it inside and took pictures of it.
– Nicole Kidman.  Oh, Nicky.  Like unto Charlize Theron last year, you picked a predatory Dior gown, and it accosted you in public.  However, we loved the red shoes.

– Penelope Cruz in L’Wren Scott.  Last year she was wearing a dress that I wanted to rip from her back, run away with, and play Miss Havisham with for the rest of my life.  This year my disappointment knows no bounds.  On the upside, she acquired a sexy husband so here’s a tip o’ my hat to you, madame.
– I don’t even know who Sharon Stone is wearing, and I can’t care.  Because any second now she’s going to morph into something mythical and ravenous, and she’s going to come after you.  And you will die.  Run.

The Ugly

– Melissa Leo in Marc Bouwer.  See Scarlett Johansson.
– Florence Welch in Valentino.  Words fail me.

Best Dressed

– Hailee Steinfeld in a lovely, age-appropriate, and uniformly pretty Marchesa.  The shoes, the headband, the hair, all of it, I was very impressed.  This girl is here to stay, fashionably and theatrically.  Also, J. would like it recognized that he thinks she deserved the Oscar and is extremely bitter that she didn’t get it.

Some notes on the evening’s entertainment:
– Melissa Leo drops more F-bombs than the King’s Speech.  Luckily the censors weren’t napping, well done.
– Anne Hathaway can sing.  Who knew?
– James Franco as Marilyn Monroe.  Try sleeping tonight.
– Christian Bale forgets his stunning and talented wife’s name.  Oops.
– J. blames John Williams’ musical genius for the horrendous Star Wars prequels.
– Cate Blanchett.  So fabulous it hurts.
– What the heck?!  President Obama?
– What the heck?!  Oprah Winfrey?!
– Oh Robert Downey Jr., you’re so witty.  And charming.
– I don’t care that she sings country, I still find Gwyneth Paltrow unbearable.
– Also, apparently she can’t sing very well.
– Too many P-words in a row for Hale Berry.  Better than Melissa Leo’s faux pas.
– Annual Hilary Swank debate: Hot or Not?  (J. says no.)
– “The Triangle of Man Love” is a phrase that probably should not be uttered on basic cable
– Anyone surprised Natalie Portman won?
– I was fully prepare to riot if Colin Firth didn’t win Best Actor, but it’s all right.  Stand down, minions!
– The King’s Speech won!