Humor, School, University, Work

In Which C. and J. Get Wined, Dined, and Lei-d

“We are each of an unsocial, taciturn disposition, unwilling to speak, unless we expect to say something that will amaze the whole room, and be handed down to posterity with all the eclat of a proverb.”
– Jane Austen

So, we are right in the middle of what could be arguably one of the most important weeks of our lives.  Certainly at least one of the most stressful for J..

He is interviewing for internships with the Big Four accounting firms this week, he also has two major tests, and tomorrow we’re flying out to California to celebrate the finalization of my brother and sister-in-law’s adoption of our little nephew.

Felt a bit like this, actually.

We went to Firm #1’s reception the other night and I had an interesting time.  Early in the evening the spouses of the interview candidates were shunted off to a different room, meaning that about 99% of the women there were removed.  We all filed into a conference room where a string of partner’s wives were sitting at the front, looking very like the parish’s women’s organization presidency.  And the whole hour continued very much in that vein, which was slightly uncomfortable for everyone concerned.

Then at dinner we were seated at an awkward table, people were either trying to say something extremely clever or were absolutely silent.  However J. got to meet and ask the interviewer some questions and all indications so far are that his interview went well.

ACCOUNTING!

Firm #2’s reception was last night and was luau themed.  Points for food and entertainment as they had Polynesian dancers and pyrotechnics.  There was much fewer awkward silences, and the women weren’t kicked out which was a huge plus as far as I was concerned.  This time we weren’t seated and got to jostle for position to meet with the representatives, again with the requisite attempts to be memorable.  J. interviewed with them this morning, also went well.

Firm #3’s reception is tonight but I will be cleaning our house and packing for California so I won’t be able to report on that, ducklings.

However, a few thoughts!  Last year when they first started recruiting overtures, we were introduced to The Swag.  Sweatshirts, bags, all manner of stationary.  This year Firm #1 gave us a canvas tote and an aluminum water bottle, as opposed to the rather cheapish, fall-apart-as-soon-as-look-at-it ones we got from Firm #2.  But!  Firm #2 pulled ahead when won a raffle prize at their reception, styled as a collapsible cooler, actually more like an over sized lunch box, and we also got real orchid leis as opposed to the cheap plastic kind you normally get at parties.  However due to sheer bitterness, they dropped below pre-reception rankings when the guy called after us won an iPad.  Firms #3 and #4 have only given pens, a shameful showing.

Humor, Shabby Apple, Shopping

Dangerous Curves Ahead

“When in doubt, wear red.”
– Bill Blass

I’m getting a little ahead of myself, because I’m already plotting my Halloween costume.  But as you may recall, I love Halloween!  Each year our office dresses up.  Witches and ghosts are occasionally seen, but we prefer to get a bit more creative.  Sav dressed all in pink and a name tag that read “Floyd.”  One of the student officers directs traffic in Mickey Mouse gloves.

And this year I’m going as Joan from Mad Men and it’s probably going to be the easiest costume I’ve ever had (although after that papier mache Anubis head, anything would be a piece of cake).  Because that paragon of cuteness, Shabby Apple, has made in their new Yosemite line, the Joanest of all Joan Halloway dresses.  However even the desire for a fab Halloween costume wasn’t going to induce me to spend $92 on it!  Then, low and behold, Groupon did a deal and I got $100 of in store credit, for a much, much, MUCH lower price.  My dress plus shipping was a third of what it would have been otherwise.  This number is going to double as all go-to outfit for holiday parties this year.

And finally, I had to find that iconic pen necklace.  I scoured Etsy and Ebay and Google, but everything that came up was so ludicrously priced as to laughable.   Finally I found a long gold chain ($4) and a small gold pencil on a pendant ring ($6), and put it together myself.  Et voila!

Now I’ll just have to get red hair dye.  Should be fun!  Or I can always chicken out and go as the new receptionist Megan, she of the French extraction and perfect skin.

I don’t read Janssen’s frugality blog for entertainment!

Humor, Work

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

“Perspective is worth 80 IQ points.”
– Alan Kay

Why, why, why do I provoke the fates?  No sooner do I wish for a less insane week and bemoan the stress…than J. calls saying our car won’t start, a massive project that requires a 24hr turnaround lands on my desk, Sav’s computer loses a critical file, I have to imput dozens of photos into a case where someone seems to be trying to fleece the university (in a badly managed con) and…

I get a bunch of files and briefings handed to me.  There was a horrific accident last night, one of the people involved passed away, painfully.

Jaw dropping, major attitude adjusting perspective.  Shutting up.

*Please keep the family in your thoughts, darlings.  Even if we are having a bad day, theirs is far more painful.

Humor, School, Weekend, Work

A New Week and…GAH!

“Alright, just stop panicking.”
“Who said anything about panicking?  This is still just the culture shock.”
– The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams

Last week was a trial, kittens.  No question of it.  But J., perhaps sensing my deep inner need to hurt something, wisely diffused me by taking me out twice, once to my favorite restaurant and to see a movie (Easy A. Quite funny.  Go see it).  And so, having lost my initial hatred for humanity, I had very little choice but to be happy and content over the weekend.

This week is going to be much calmer and less interesting…

Oh wait.  J. has three interviews with Big Four firms, we have three business receptions to go to pre-interviews, he’s got two major tests, and we’re flying out to California to celebrate the adoption of our little nephew being finalized.  So, with the exception of that happy last item on the list, this week is going to largely impact the rest of our professional lives.  And of course, J. and I are both coming down with something.

Shut up.

*Breathes into paper bag*

Humor, Work

Life Lesson From a Hellish Work Week:
Vodka. Please. Or death, that works too.

The Ministry of Idiots has been hard at work this week.  See here and here for some light reading on the subject.  We were also yelled at for a substantial amount of time both yesterday and today by two separate nasty people who were teeth-gnashingly enraged that they’d been caught doing something illegal.

There is something in the water, I am sure of it.  I have never experienced nasty behavior on this scale for such an extended period of time.  Everyone in the office is looking a bit worn down and grim, we’re just trying to make it to 5pm Friday at this point.

And so, minions, I leave you with this thought that has been reiterated to me again this week and I wish other people would learn:

“Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming I am persecuted when I am contradicted.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson

Humor, Law Enforcement, Office, Stupid People, Work

Another Myth to Dispel

“Look, I am not stupid.”
– Terminator, 1984

I really am surprised and dismayed whenever it is reiterated to me that the general public thinks our department is staffed with morons.  I don’t know where this idea comes from – that anyone who works at/for a police department has the IQ of a deck chair – but really, can we let it go?

Now I admit, some of the officers aren’t the savviest when it comes to modern work practices regarding inter-gender relations, and common sense in administrative details is somewhat lacking, but I must say that they are damned good police officers.  I’d shift a few personalities around if I could, but I’ve never had any complaints about their actual skills and professional capacities.

So when you call up the parking office, asking us to remove a car from our records because you won’t be driving it anymore, we take pause.  Because, you see, we have access to your state records and your class schedule.  We can see that you live far enough away from campus that walking could be uncomfortable, we can also see that you are sill enrolled in classes.  We also know that, with your student parking privileges removed, the only place your car could park on campus would be a visitor lot.  And we know that you know that parking in visitor lots while still a student is forbidden.  And finally, we are able to guess that a man still enrolled in classes asking us to remove his parking privileges, while living too far away to walk to campus daily, might be trying to find a loophole for parking in visitor lots.

Most vitally, we know that checking visitor lots regularly for people who have already tried this trick hundreds of times, turns up at least half a dozen like minded people a day.  Here’s your ticket.  Also, I have a Twitter friend for you.

We’re not idiots.  And you’re not as clever as you think you are.  We really have seen it all before, and have prepared accordingly.

Fail, Humor, Office, Stupid People, Work

From the Frying Dumb Into the Stupid

“De mal en pire.”
– French saying

Dear World At Large,

Allow me to disabuse you of a seemingly common notion: the internet is not anonymous.  No really, it’s not.  Yes, there are steps you can take to protect your identity and privacy, but anyone who really wants to figure out who is posting those trollish comments at the bottom of a youtube video probably can.

From a police perspective, this anonymity myth is particularly funny.  We’ve had instances with theft that we’ve traced from Craiglist, and abuse of animal carcasses (not as kinky as it sounds) that we’ve tracked from Facebook. The bottom line is, if you do something wrong and then publish photos, accounts, or step-by-step instructions somewhere online, it is really easy to find you and punish you.

So, when a kid shared on Twitter that he was jumping curbs in his car to park in visitor and handicapped parking, it was the work of a mere moment to look up his name on the campus directory, see what car he drove, and slap a ticket on it.  And when he came in huffing and puffing about why he’d got a ticket because “he hadn’t done anything wrong,” it was immensely satisfying to tilt a computer screen at him to display his own confession, broadcast for all creation to see, and watch him turn 12 shades of red.

Truth is, dear World At Large, if you really are so silly as to tell everyone what you’ve done and where you are, do expect someone to show up and hold you accountable.  Because someone probably will.  And if you are really so narcissistic that you have to share every detail of your life, even your petty criminality with us, you have much larger issues to deal with.

Yours with love,
C.

Holidays, Humor

Fall, When Young Girl’s Fancy Turns…

“Delicious Autumn!  My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the Earth seeking the successive Autumns.”
– George Elliot

Fall is here!

I love that the skies are perfectly blue and clear for all but the fluffiest of white clouds, but the temperature is noticeably crisp.  I adore sweater weather, and I love breaking out the sweaters that have been in hibernation.  Looking into the tree tops and off into the mountains, I’m thrilled that I can see just a handful of leaves, just a couple clusters of trees starting to turn that fierce shade of vivid rust that I love.  I enjoy waking up to a cool flat (as opposed to August when I wake up and both J. and I have kicked all the sheets off the bed and are still miserable), snuggled down in my pillow with the blankets drawn up to my nose.  I love wrapping my mother’s presents of thick Scottish wool scarves around my neck.  I love plotting my Halloween costume, debating the wisdom of buying new boots, and planning whose family we will spend various holidays with.  I LOVE Fall!

Alternatively…with the advent of bronzing leaves comes that most American of holidays: HallowGivingMas.  Picture this: walking through the mall I passed a home decor store.  And right at the front of this store was a large Christmas tree, decorated in jack-o’-lantern and turkey ornaments.  Major, major fail. 

No, American Consumerism, I will not be guilted into extending my holiday shopping season by a single day, much less three months!  Instead, I will be looking at changing leaves, celebrating my godfather’s birthday, wearing my university pullovers, and researching soup recipes, thank you very much.

Humor, Secretary, Weird

Who Guards the Guardians?

“Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?”
– Juvenal

Several times a week, background investigators come into the office to collect information on former students who have applied for government or high profile jobs.  Most of the investigators are pretty normal and businesslike, but one or two of them make my eyebrows climb.

Perhaps. But not quite yet, it would seem.

One of the, according to the police grapevine, once had a normal 9-5 job and seemed perfectly ordinary, until the day he had a “divine revelation” that there was going to be a massive earthquake that would destroy everything – or something to that effect.  I misremember if this was supposed to be connected to an end-times scenario.  Anyway, based on this “revelation” he quit his job, packed up his wife, food, and probably guns and moved to a cabin in the mountains.  (Sidenote – the mountains?  Usually located on fault lines of tectonic plates?  Really?)  Sadly the appointed day for this catastrophic event came…and went.  Years ago.  So, chalking it up to experience, he moved back to civilization.  He’s a very nice man, very professional, and privately I consider him a harmless sort of lunatic.

Slightly more creepy is Fetish Guy.  One day, wanting to look grown up, I piled my hair on my head and threw on a pearl set me father gave me and felt very country gentry and pretty…until a regular background investigator came in for a check.  He handed me the paperwork and, catching a full look at me, stopped in his tracks.

Um, ok. Back here in reality...

“You’re wearing pearls,” he said slowly.
“Uh, yes,” I said, a bit stupidly.
“I love it when women wear those.”
“Oh.  Thank you.”  Backed away slowly.
Now, every time he comes in he always gives me an uncomfortable glance over and asks where my pearls are because he “really likes seeing me wear them.”

Ulp.

Who, exactly, did the background check on the background checkers?

Friends, Humor, Marriage, Wedding

Le Reception!

“When the bride is one with her lover, who cares about the wedding party?”
– Kabir

I left work at 12 on Thursday to head an hour north to Marie’s home to set up for the reception.  I didn’t get home until nearly midnight.  It was quite the event!

The single other bridesmaid I actually knew (who is an absolute darling!). And yes, she is a foot taller than me.

Sadly I’m afraid I didn’t really get on with the other bridesmaids and attendants.  Nothing malicious, you understand!  It’s just that not a lot can trump shared history and the other girls had heaps of it.  I did overhear one girl say that she had known Marie longer than me and should have been a bridesmaid instead, which sort of was a downer, but one I didn’t take too seriously as there was probably some truth to that.  They’d all grown up together in the same neighborhood, lived together for years at school, etc.  By comparison I was a babe in arms, as far as Marie’s friendship was concerned!  But then again, she asked me (hurrah!) and I was resolved to be the best damned bridesmaid the world has ever seen.

Pretty!

So, after a couple awkward failed attempts to join conversations about people I didn’t know, I contented myself with jumping up and down on lantern stakes to drive them into the turf, setting up tables, hanging garlands, whipping up massive gauzy decorations, organizing boys for heavy lifting, carting gifts about, and arranging flowers – all of which suited me perfectly.

There a few mishaps, the boys recruited by the groom (severely underestimating the amount of work that needed to be done) didn’t show up as early as we would have liked.  And that darling other bridesmaid up there?  Well, we sort of had to construct her dress from the pieces of two or three other dresses.  What you can’t tell in that picture is that it is fearfully and wonderfully made – the safety pins colored with sharpies, the cinching, the half dozen people draping fabric and wrapping ribbon – it was quite the project!  But it was a great joke because it turned out so well, no one but those involved were the wiser.

In fact, everything turned out gorgeously, we were thrilled.  And more importantly, so was the glowing bride!

*Hopefully I’ll be able to get more pictures of the day from Marie when she gets back from her honeymoon.  Congratulations, love!