Who Guards the Guardians?

“Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?”
– Juvenal

Several times a week, background investigators come into the office to collect information on former students who have applied for government or high profile jobs.  Most of the investigators are pretty normal and businesslike, but one or two of them make my eyebrows climb.

Perhaps. But not quite yet, it would seem.

One of the, according to the police grapevine, once had a normal 9-5 job and seemed perfectly ordinary, until the day he had a “divine revelation” that there was going to be a massive earthquake that would destroy everything – or something to that effect.  I misremember if this was supposed to be connected to an end-times scenario.  Anyway, based on this “revelation” he quit his job, packed up his wife, food, and probably guns and moved to a cabin in the mountains.  (Sidenote – the mountains?  Usually located on fault lines of tectonic plates?  Really?)  Sadly the appointed day for this catastrophic event came…and went.  Years ago.  So, chalking it up to experience, he moved back to civilization.  He’s a very nice man, very professional, and privately I consider him a harmless sort of lunatic.

Slightly more creepy is Fetish Guy.  One day, wanting to look grown up, I piled my hair on my head and threw on a pearl set me father gave me and felt very country gentry and pretty…until a regular background investigator came in for a check.  He handed me the paperwork and, catching a full look at me, stopped in his tracks.

Um, ok. Back here in reality...

“You’re wearing pearls,” he said slowly.
“Uh, yes,” I said, a bit stupidly.
“I love it when women wear those.”
“Oh.  Thank you.”  Backed away slowly.
Now, every time he comes in he always gives me an uncomfortable glance over and asks where my pearls are because he “really likes seeing me wear them.”

Ulp.

Who, exactly, did the background check on the background checkers?

11 thoughts on “Who Guards the Guardians?”

  1. While I could certainly drop all kinds of awesomely, pilot-level-disgusting jokes about pearl necklaces, I would simply like to state that a sexual preference, totem, or even deviance is not necessarily a sign of instability or lack of patriotic duty. Pearl necklace, that’s funny.

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