Tag: Creepy

Babies Everywhere

“I can’t think why mothers love them.  All babies do is leak at both ends.”
– Douglas Feaver

Wise and R2 are both pregnant and due about the same time.  I’ve had a slew of acquaintances spawn recently.  Last Friday the office girls and I had that conversation about childbirth that traumatized three-quarters of us, and at dinner last night my god-uncle (jokingly) asked when J. and I were going to add to the list.  Short answer, not any time soon, Deus Volent.  Pregnancy seems to be on everyone’s collective brain these days.

Apart from my completely lack of desire to have children in the near future, pregnancy, as far as I can tell, produces all sort of undesirable social effects.  I can’t begin to count the times that pregnant women have been accosted in public places by, as far as I can tell, perfect strangers.  People seem to feel it’s their prerogative to run up, clap hands on their stomach, and demand when they are due or coo over them in an alarmingly possessive manner.  I can personally guarantee the first stranger who tries that with me when I’m eventually ready to have kids will have their ears blistered.

Also, it seems to turn people (in their minds at least) into friends with everyone in sight.  Which can be awkward for the individual on the receiving end of this jovial goodwill.

Friday evening I ran to Nordstrom to find a baby shower present for R2.  When I stepped off the tile floor into the carpeted are of the baby section, I might as well has crossed the Bosporus!

There were choruses of “Awww!” from every corner, even though I saw next to no people anywhere.  A creepy enough beginning, but it got more bizarre.  Wandering past a rack of clothes a perfect stranger leaped at me out of nowhere clutching tiny shoes in her fist.
“Aren’t these the most adorable things you’ve ever seen?!” she demanded shrilly before disappearing behind shelves of diaper bags.

A bit shaken I began flipping through clothes when a woman on the other side of the store held up a pair of pajamas, waved them back and forth to get my attention, and when I furtively glanced up, yelled, “These are just too cute, I had to share them with someone!”  I nodded and moved away quietly…

Ducks. Gender neutral enough? You decide

Only to back into a third woman who held up two onesies asking my opinion which one she should buy, launching into the life story of both herself and the person she was buying this present for.
“Uh, the one on the left?” I offered.
“My left or your left?” she demanded.  “Are ducks gender-neutral enough?”
“Um.  Yes.”
“By the way, when are you due?  You’re not showing at all,” she said, reaching for my stomach.
“I’m not pregnant,” I managed through clenched teeth, nearly tripping as I backpedaled to avoid her hand.
“Oh.  Well, you have time,” she said, patting the shoulder I couldn’t wrench away in time.

No kidding!

How Weird is My Job…

“Hi, this is [ahem] from the History department.  We’ve just received a package that appears to contain a human skull.  Could you send someone over, please?”
– [ahem] from History department

See above.

Truly, your timing with over commercialized holidays is uncanny!

We sent over an officer half expecting to uncover a Halloween decoration with “Made in China” stamped merrily across it.  Imagine our surprise then when he carted back a box containing two and half genuine human noggins!  Look to be Native American remains, they’re trying to trace them now.  Naturally the desecration of human bodies and disturbing of Indian remains is both illegal and (especially at this time of year) liable to open portals into the nether world, but sue me, I’m thrilled.  I dashed back to the patrol room, slapped on a pair of plastic gloves, and got to handle them under the officer’s watchful eye.  It’s the most interesting thing that’s happened in a couple of weeks!  And if I drop dead in the near future, you can snuff it up to an ancient curse.

In less bizarre but equally exciting news, poodles, come back tomorrow for an exciting new giveaway!




Note: the prize will not include federally protected remains, items, artwork, etc.  Apologies in advance for any disappointment.

Who Guards the Guardians?

“Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?”
– Juvenal

Several times a week, background investigators come into the office to collect information on former students who have applied for government or high profile jobs.  Most of the investigators are pretty normal and businesslike, but one or two of them make my eyebrows climb.

Perhaps. But not quite yet, it would seem.

One of the, according to the police grapevine, once had a normal 9-5 job and seemed perfectly ordinary, until the day he had a “divine revelation” that there was going to be a massive earthquake that would destroy everything – or something to that effect.  I misremember if this was supposed to be connected to an end-times scenario.  Anyway, based on this “revelation” he quit his job, packed up his wife, food, and probably guns and moved to a cabin in the mountains.  (Sidenote – the mountains?  Usually located on fault lines of tectonic plates?  Really?)  Sadly the appointed day for this catastrophic event came…and went.  Years ago.  So, chalking it up to experience, he moved back to civilization.  He’s a very nice man, very professional, and privately I consider him a harmless sort of lunatic.

Slightly more creepy is Fetish Guy.  One day, wanting to look grown up, I piled my hair on my head and threw on a pearl set me father gave me and felt very country gentry and pretty…until a regular background investigator came in for a check.  He handed me the paperwork and, catching a full look at me, stopped in his tracks.

Um, ok. Back here in reality...

“You’re wearing pearls,” he said slowly.
“Uh, yes,” I said, a bit stupidly.
“I love it when women wear those.”
“Oh.  Thank you.”  Backed away slowly.
Now, every time he comes in he always gives me an uncomfortable glance over and asks where my pearls are because he “really likes seeing me wear them.”


Who, exactly, did the background check on the background checkers?