Why, why, why do I provoke the fates? No sooner do I wish for a less insane week and bemoan the stress…than J. calls saying our car won’t start, a massive project that requires a 24hr turnaround lands on my desk, Sav’s computer loses a critical file, I have to imput dozens of photos into a case where someone seems to be trying to fleece the university (in a badly managed con) and…
I get a bunch of files and briefings handed to me. There was a horrific accident last night, one of the people involved passed away, painfully.
Jaw dropping, major attitude adjusting perspective. Shutting up.
*Please keep the family in your thoughts, darlings. Even if we are having a bad day, theirs is far more painful.
“Alright, just stop panicking.”
“Who said anything about panicking? This is still just the culture shock.”
– The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams
Last week was a trial, kittens. No question of it. But J., perhaps sensing my deep inner need to hurt something, wisely diffused me by taking me out twice, once to my favorite restaurant and to see a movie (Easy A. Quite funny. Go see it). And so, having lost my initial hatred for humanity, I had very little choice but to be happy and content over the weekend.
This week is going to be much calmer and less interesting…
Oh wait. J. has three interviews with Big Four firms, we have three business receptions to go to pre-interviews, he’s got two major tests, and we’re flying out to California to celebrate the adoption of our little nephew being finalized. So, with the exception of that happy last item on the list, this week is going to largely impact the rest of our professional lives. And of course, J. and I are both coming down with something.
The Ministry of Idiots has been hard at work this week. See here and here for some light reading on the subject. We were also yelled at for a substantial amount of time both yesterday and today by two separate nasty people who were teeth-gnashingly enraged that they’d been caught doing something illegal.
There is something in the water, I am sure of it. I have never experienced nasty behavior on this scale for such an extended period of time. Everyone in the office is looking a bit worn down and grim, we’re just trying to make it to 5pm Friday at this point.
And so, minions, I leave you with this thought that has been reiterated to me again this week and I wish other people would learn:
“Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming I am persecuted when I am contradicted.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
I really am surprised and dismayed whenever it is reiterated to me that the general public thinks our department is staffed with morons. I don’t know where this idea comes from – that anyone who works at/for a police department has the IQ of a deck chair – but really, can we let it go?
So when you call up the parking office, asking us to remove a car from our records because you won’t be driving it anymore, we take pause. Because, you see, we have access to your state records and your class schedule. We can see that you live far enough away from campus that walking could be uncomfortable, we can also see that you are sill enrolled in classes. We also know that, with your student parking privileges removed, the only place your car could park on campus would be a visitor lot. And we know that you know that parking in visitor lots while still a student is forbidden. And finally, we are able to guess that a man still enrolled in classes asking us to remove his parking privileges, while living too far away to walk to campus daily, might be trying to find a loophole for parking in visitor lots.
Most vitally, we know that checking visitor lots regularly for people who have already tried this trick hundreds of times, turns up at least half a dozen like minded people a day. Here’s your ticket. Also, I have a Twitter friend for you.
We’re not idiots. And you’re not as clever as you think you are. We really have seen it all before, and have prepared accordingly.
Allow me to disabuse you of a seemingly common notion: the internet is not anonymous. No really, it’s not. Yes, there are steps you can take to protect your identity and privacy, but anyone who really wants to figure out who is posting those trollish comments at the bottom of a youtube video probably can.
From a police perspective, this anonymity myth is particularly funny. We’ve had instances with theft that we’ve traced from Craiglist, and abuse of animal carcasses (not as kinky as it sounds) that we’ve tracked from Facebook. The bottom line is, if you do something wrong and then publish photos, accounts, or step-by-step instructions somewhere online, it is really easy to find you and punish you.
So, when a kid shared on Twitter that he was jumping curbs in his car to park in visitor and handicapped parking, it was the work of a mere moment to look up his name on the campus directory, see what car he drove, and slap a ticket on it. And when he came in huffing and puffing about why he’d got a ticket because “he hadn’t done anything wrong,” it was immensely satisfying to tilt a computer screen at him to display his own confession, broadcast for all creation to see, and watch him turn 12 shades of red.
Truth is, dear World At Large, if you really are so silly as to tell everyone what you’ve done and where you are, do expect someone to show up and hold you accountable. Because someone probably will. And if you are really so narcissistic that you have to share every detail of your life, even your petty criminality with us, you have much larger issues to deal with.
“Delicious Autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the Earth seeking the successive Autumns.”
– George Elliot
Fall is here!
I love that the skies are perfectly blue and clear for all but the fluffiest of white clouds, but the temperature is noticeably crisp. I adore sweater weather, and I love breaking out the sweaters that have been in hibernation. Looking into the tree tops and off into the mountains, I’m thrilled that I can see just a handful of leaves, just a couple clusters of trees starting to turn that fierce shade of vivid rust that I love. I enjoy waking up to a cool flat (as opposed to August when I wake up and both J. and I have kicked all the sheets off the bed and are still miserable), snuggled down in my pillow with the blankets drawn up to my nose. I love wrapping my mother’s presents of thick Scottish wool scarves around my neck. I love plotting my Halloween costume, debating the wisdom of buying new boots, and planning whose family we will spend various holidays with. I LOVE Fall!
Alternatively…with the advent of bronzing leaves comes that most American of holidays: HallowGivingMas. Picture this: walking through the mall I passed a home decor store. And right at the front of this store was a large Christmas tree, decorated in jack-o’-lantern and turkey ornaments. Major, major fail.
No, American Consumerism, I will not be guilted into extending my holiday shopping season by a single day, much less three months! Instead, I will be looking at changing leaves, celebrating my godfather’s birthday, wearing my university pullovers, and researching soup recipes, thank you very much.
Several times a week, background investigators come into the office to collect information on former students who have applied for government or high profile jobs. Most of the investigators are pretty normal and businesslike, but one or two of them make my eyebrows climb.
Perhaps. But not quite yet, it would seem.
One of the, according to the police grapevine, once had a normal 9-5 job and seemed perfectly ordinary, until the day he had a “divine revelation” that there was going to be a massive earthquake that would destroy everything – or something to that effect. I misremember if this was supposed to be connected to an end-times scenario. Anyway, based on this “revelation” he quit his job, packed up his wife, food, and probably guns and moved to a cabin in the mountains. (Sidenote – the mountains? Usually located on fault lines of tectonic plates? Really?) Sadly the appointed day for this catastrophic event came…and went. Years ago. So, chalking it up to experience, he moved back to civilization. He’s a very nice man, very professional, and privately I consider him a harmless sort of lunatic.
Slightly more creepy is Fetish Guy. One day, wanting to look grown up, I piled my hair on my head and threw on a pearl set me father gave me and felt very country gentry and pretty…until a regular background investigator came in for a check. He handed me the paperwork and, catching a full look at me, stopped in his tracks.
Um, ok. Back here in reality...
“You’re wearing pearls,” he said slowly.
“Uh, yes,” I said, a bit stupidly.
“I love it when women wear those.”
“Oh. Thank you.” Backed away slowly.
Now, every time he comes in he always gives me an uncomfortable glance over and asks where my pearls are because he “really likes seeing me wear them.”
Ulp.
Who, exactly, did the background check on the background checkers?
“When the bride is one with her lover, who cares about the wedding party?”
– Kabir
I left work at 12 on Thursday to head an hour north to Marie’s home to set up for the reception. I didn’t get home until nearly midnight. It was quite the event!
The single other bridesmaid I actually knew (who is an absolute darling!). And yes, she is a foot taller than me.
Sadly I’m afraid I didn’t really get on with the other bridesmaids and attendants. Nothing malicious, you understand! It’s just that not a lot can trump shared history and the other girls had heaps of it. I did overhear one girl say that she had known Marie longer than me and should have been a bridesmaid instead, which sort of was a downer, but one I didn’t take too seriously as there was probably some truth to that. They’d all grown up together in the same neighborhood, lived together for years at school, etc. By comparison I was a babe in arms, as far as Marie’s friendship was concerned! But then again, she asked me (hurrah!) and I was resolved to be the best damned bridesmaid the world has ever seen.
Pretty!
So, after a couple awkward failed attempts to join conversations about people I didn’t know, I contented myself with jumping up and down on lantern stakes to drive them into the turf, setting up tables, hanging garlands, whipping up massive gauzy decorations, organizing boys for heavy lifting, carting gifts about, and arranging flowers – all of which suited me perfectly.
There a few mishaps, the boys recruited by the groom (severely underestimating the amount of work that needed to be done) didn’t show up as early as we would have liked. And that darling other bridesmaid up there? Well, we sort of had to construct her dress from the pieces of two or three other dresses. What you can’t tell in that picture is that it is fearfully and wonderfully made – the safety pins colored with sharpies, the cinching, the half dozen people draping fabric and wrapping ribbon – it was quite the project! But it was a great joke because it turned out so well, no one but those involved were the wiser.
In fact, everything turned out gorgeously, we were thrilled. And more importantly, so was the glowing bride!
*Hopefully I’ll be able to get more pictures of the day from Marie when she gets back from her honeymoon. Congratulations, love!
“Is there anything better than drunken sailor bowling?”
– Shower Guest
As it was a tea party, her Majesty arrived arrived in grand style with the latest in fashionable hat-wear:
The guests were entertained with all manner of wit, games, and conversation (how’s this for a coincidence! One of the guests was a girl who I knew at five years old and met in Germany. She’s now living in the States and pregnant with her second child…small world, n’est pas?):
And the food was the height of luxury, each item accompanied with a quote specific to the food it graced. My favorite: “Cheese is milk’s leap towards immortality.”
“I’ve got a great ambition to die of exhaustion rather than boredom.”
-Thomas Carlyle
This past week/weekend:
-Marie had a bridal shower, reception, wedding, and luncheon (Wed., Thurs., and Friday respectively)
-We had our school’s Football season opener (and won!)
-Labor Day, several hours of which I spent throwing nieces and nephews around on a trampoline
-I bought food for the first time in over a week
-Ate a full meal…which seemed like the first time in over a week
-I didn’t sleep more than five hours a night, and apparently started grinding my teeth in my sleep (according to J.)
-Fall showed up. Seriously. I turned around and there it was with sweaters, boots, and temperatures plummeting thirty degrees. Unlike most people I know, I’m thrilled because Fall is my favorite season
-Had a perma-migraine
Weddings, even fabulous ones like Marie's, can have unforeseen consequences.
So instead of updating you as was clearly my duty and your right, my loves, I spent last night in flannel pajama pants, dosed with pain killers, and watching Emma – not sharing pictures from the wedding. Every once and a while I lurched to the kitchen for sustenance, but only at moments of near death. Apologies, but I really wasn’t fit for anything else.
I’ll get them up today, I promise. And I’ll never neglect you like that again.
– not sharing pictures from the wedding. Every once and a while I lurched to the kitchen for sustenance, but only at moments of near death. Apologies, but I really wasn’t fit for anything else.
Small Dog Syndrome 