Humor, Work

Timber!

“I am the only person I know who can miss the ground with both feet.  While walking!”
– C.

At 4:32:05, yesterday afternoon, I tripped while carrying the laundry bags to the car to drop them off at the cleaners.

At 4:32:05:02, suddenly the earth dropped away.  That’s the only explanation.  I was walking merrily along, and then somehow neither of my feet managed to touch bottom.

At 4:32:05:22, the inexorable tug of gravity made its presence known.

At 4:32:05:46, due to the many years of experience I’ve had with this sort of thing, my only working thought was, “Oh, bother.”

At 4:32:05:59, also due to experience, I tried to twist my body such that I would land squarely on my knees without skidding (not that they mind.  As far as I can tell, my knees are used to this sort of abuse).

At 4:32:05:87, with impact approaching, I suddenly realized I was wearing my best trousers.

At 4:32:05:96, thunk!

At 4:32:06:63, I managed to scramble up, assure various passing persons that the only thing damaged is my dignity, and brush myself off when…

At 4:32:06:94, it became very clear that the right knee of my trousers had been shredded.

Drat!

Fabulous, Fashion, Friends, Humor, Marriage, Shopping, Wedding

Think Pink!

“Ah, here it is.  Here’s our theme.  Here’s our answer.  Pink.  I want dresses made up in this pink.  Babs, take this to Kaiser Delmont.  I want shoes and stockings in this color.  Laura, everything goes pink.  I want the whole issue pink.  I want the whole country pink!  Lettie, take an editorial, ‘To the women of America-”  No, make it, ‘To the women everywhere.’  Banish the black, burn the blue, and bury the beige.” 
– Funny Face, 1957

Suddenly the shoe is on the other foot and I’m the one bridesmaid dress shopping.  And again, Shabby Apple (which has just launched their new bridesmaid line!) may save my butt, it depends on whether Marie will be having all us girls in the same outfit or just the same color. 

And what color could that possibly be for the bride who loves argyle, pearls, knee-socks, and perfect hair?  Pink of course!

I wish I wasn’t so technologically hopeless, I’d post pictures of the dresses I’ve found so far, but here are the links.

1st Option: really cute!

2nd Option: not great, but with a cute accessory, could be.

3rd Options: I can’t afford but love.

4th Option: favorite.  Duh.  It’s Dolce and Gabbanna.  It’s also prohibitively expensive.  But I’m thinking that’s the hair/lip/face look I’ll go for, if there aren’t any limitations placed. 

5th-11th Option: be my panel of judges, darlings.  What are your opinions of these?

Can anybody say “Color explosion?”

Fabulous, Friends, Humor, Marriage, Wedding, Work

Never A Bridesmaid, Once a Bride

“Would you like to be one of my bridesmaids?”
“I’d be honored!”
“Bridesmaid…bridesmatron…?  What are you?”
“I’m not loving matron.”
“How about attendant?”
“Yes, that sounds appropriately royal!  I’d be honored to be your attendant!”
– Marie and C.

Well, well! 

Marie announced her engagement publically a couple of days ago, I got the good news early and bounced around enthusiastically in my parking lot (so as not to become the Stompingtons to my downstairs neighbors).  Then I emailed my mother and told her to ship over as many bridal magazines from the UK that she could get her hands on.  Marie tried a few months ago to steal the ones I trucked home with me to use for my own wedding, the minx.  I was thrilled to be able to send off for some of her own!

Then yesterday Hennessy texted me to say that we get to start making wedding plans for her as well.  And she walked in today with what I can only guess is a small, sparkly country on her left hand.  None of us in the office got any work done between 9 and 10 this morning.  Congratulations, Hennessy!  It’s a stunner!

Surprisingly, I’ve found I get lots more enthusiastic over my friends weddings than I did my own and I always love being included, whether it’s agonizing over flower arrangements, or being in the wedding party.  I love seeing my friends happy and will cheerfully bend over backwards for them. 

Also, I am deeply aware that the only reason my own wedding came together so well was because of the tireless effort and indefatigable support of this fantastic network of friends.  Daae offered endless tips from her days working for a wedding planner, Catriona helped me stuff envelopes for hours on end, Venice went dress shopping and helped me check out the venue, Peregrine flew cross-country to be a part of the event and drove hither and yon with Snickers to pick up flowers, Fairy housed my parents and siblings and attended every single party associated with the wedding from the bridal shower to the reception, Marie supplied food, drink, and blotting papers throughout the day in spite of not feeling up to snuff…the sucess of the whole day is a tribute to lots and lots of people doing me and J. a great many favors.

And I love to return favors!

I’m thinking Marie needs a fabulous English High Tea shower.  With decorations like these, food like this, and the usual required headgear.

Humor, Life, Marriage, Stupid People

An Upstairs, Downstairs Drama

“It is folly to punish your neighbor by fire when you live next door.”
– Publilius Syrus

Those of you who remember this little fiend, will be happy to know that he has departed for grimmer and more diabolic realms.  Alternatively, you will be saddened to know that he has been replaced with something far, far worse:

Our new upstairs neighbors. 

Artist's rendering of the neighbor's parties.

Not only do they fight, constantly, at the top of their lungs, specifically at ridiculous hours of the the night, but they are also completely incapable of walking.  No, no.  They stomp.  Which makes our ceiling shake.  And they throw parties with loud friends in which they, as far as we can tell, practice riverdancing.  Or dropping bowling balls.   

The other night, when we were watching a movie, we heard the door above us slam and moments later the light fixture started rattling around.
“Ah good,” J. said, “Lord and Lady Stompington are home.”
Obviously all this PBS watching is starting to rub off on him!

Fashion, Friends, Health, Humor, Husband, Money, Shopping, Working Out

This. And That.

“Good God, woman, where have you been?” he cried furiously.
A morbid lunacy overtook her.  She smiled fiercely and held up the bag.
“Shopping.  Want to see what I bought?”
– Lois McMaster Bujold

My wallet is now under permanent lock-down.  Because of going to That Show, I bought this and this (the latter for my sister-in-law’s upcoming wedding), but unfortunately not this because it did not look at all good on a less-than-five-foot woman.  I looked a frilly mess.

Pictured: the THAT in question.

Then, the other day, Venice called me (from two doors down in her flat) and said I had to come over right now.  I obligingly threw on some basketball shorts and scampered on over only to behold this. 
“Where did you get that?!” I screeched in excitement. 
“From that place we hate,” she triumphed.
“You’re kidding!”
“Nope.  For $87.00!”
“I NEED THAT!”

The next step was to get J. to agree.  I pitched it as the perfect solution to this problem, which has been exacerbated since getting married as the only time I really get to see my husband is the time I used to go to the gym.  I pinky-promised my way through the usual litany of bargains (to use it everyday, not to be a little grump when he reminds me that I haven’t worked out that day, etc.) and expounded its virtues (it’s cheap, it’s nice and small – C. sized! – it’s light, and it’s portable for future moves). 

If anything else, the sheer guilt that would come from having that sitting in my house (staring at me) will motivate me to use it.  It’s easy to ignore the gym when it’s not sitting in your living room!  So, with J.’s consent, I bought it. 

I really think this could be a solution to my exercise problem.  After coming home from work in the evening to feed this guy, coupled with the desire to enjoy this, and the lack of desire to drive back to campus to deal with this, the idea that I could work out in my own home sounds pretty darn good. 

What do you think of this plan, darlings? 

**And by the way, if I start talking about buying anything else in the near future, jump me, steal and hide my wallet, and under no circumstances return it to me.

Humor, Office, University, Work

Very Important Panic

“Fellows who know all about that sort of thing – dectives and so on – will tell you that the most difficult thing in the world is to get rid of the body…”
– P.G. Wodehouse

So, on Friday we had a majorly important visitor.  One of international consequence, influence, and meddling.  His security detail/entourage/People were on campus days in advance and had to be herded around the whole university.  I had to put together information packets for them detailing our VIP’s time down to minute increments.  It was a well-knit, flawless operation.

Until the grounds crew, digging around the Law School, unearthed a large plastic bag of large bones: partial leg bones, ribs, and coccyx. 

Cue flashes of  Ted Bundy, Jack the Ripper, Dexter, and Hannibal Lecter.  As you can imagine, it was a thrilling, suspenseful hour or so until we got an Anthropologist to inspect them (Sidenote: I really think all police departments should be located on university campuses.  Think of the treasure trove of experts at your fingertips!). 

They turned out to belong to a deer.  What a let down.

Nevertheless, the weekend was a welcome event after the excitement.  Monday has come way too early.

Fabulous, Friends, Humor, Marriage, University

Spunky Chap With His Hat at a Jaunty Angle

“Strange to see what delight we married people have to see these poor fools decoyed into our condition.”
– Samuel Pepys

The Marriage Mart, of Regency fame, is alive and well on this campus.  We’re getting close to the time of a semester (directly after finals, usually) that people rush to get married before the summer term starts up.  In fact I have a small horde of friends tying the knot in the next two months.  In a year or two, I’ll be attending baby showers.

This vid gets a Tip O’ My Hat to Sav for finding it, and check out her site for another dose  (that one in honor of the mutual lambasting by colleagues, acquaintances, and Fox News we endured for our less than hateful attitude towards current events in the capital).

Drama, Health, Humor, Life, Snark, Stupid People

Know-Nothing. Party.

C.’s Quick Translation for Online Oppinuendo on Health Care

You liberal/conservative idiot! :   I respectfully disagree with you.

Don’t you have a brain?! :   I respectfully disagree with you.

The Republicans/Democrats are out of touch with the American people!  Down with them!  Drag them into the streets! :   Rep-R/Rep-D voted against my personal opinion! 

Obama is the Antichrist! :  I’m conservative.

Obama is brave to take this problem on! :   I’m liberal.

Stop making asinine comments! :   I have weighed and measured such information as I have found, and I now find myself on the other side of the aisle from you.

You socialist nazi! :   I respectfully disagree with you.

You conservative nazi! :   I respectfully disagree with you.

This is a choice between good and evil! :   This is a choice between political ideologies, about which I feel very strongly.

It’s unconstitutional! :   It personally offends my sensibilities.

I can’t even begin to tackle your logical fallacies! :   I refuse to attempt to see things from your liberal/conservative point of view and prefer to argue.

As a future doctor I don’t want to have the government dictate the terms of my work (requirements, treatment standards, paycheck, etc.) to me! :   I much prefer to dictate the terms of my work  (requirements, treatment standards, paycheck, etc.) to my patients myself.

Go ****/$$$$/@@@@/%%%%  yourself! :   I’m afraid we just can’t see eye to eye on this. 

The End Times are coming! :   I am seriously displeased with the turn of events.

I’m moving to Canada! : I am not actually moving to Canada despite ranting to the contrary for some time. 

 

There, now you find yourself able to navigate the intricacies of Facebook, comment threads, and forum mudslinging.  Take a few calm breaths to recharge and think of some withering profanities, and when you feel ready, charge back into the fray.  Discussion doesn’t seem to be the name of the day, so feel free to bandy tired clichés back and forth, quote the pundits/talking heads in lieu of actual original thought, and mistake insults/gloating for a solution.  Carry on!

Fashion, Humor

The Downside

“Darling, the legs aren’t so beautiful, I just know what to do with them.”
– Marlene Dietrich

Last week in an effort to hurry Spring along by dressing the part (which worked swimmingly, by the way!) I broke out this pretty thing I scored on Ebay:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Darling, no? 

The problem?  As J. and I were walking to the car for lunch, I happened to glance down and see this:

Pictured: artist's rendering of my legs.

 

“Why did you let me outside looking like this?!” I demanded.
“You’re a quarter Slovak, I have no idea why you have albino legs,” he retorted.