Category: Humor

Humor March 16, 2009

Caution, Part Deux

klutz_logo Mondays are a particular trial. It’s not the going back to work that I mind so much as the atrophy of my brain that seems to occur on weekends that I’m forced to be reconciled with on Monday. I trip, break and lose things, and do injury to myself on Mondays more than any other day of the week! One such day I managed to trip while walking down the stairs, luckily managing to land catlike on my feet, much to J.’s amusement, but I still somehow contrived to drop all of the mail that afternoon, give myself two papercuts, and trip coming up some stairs in the office. Today has been free of gravitational catastrophe, but I’ve screwed up the same hiring paperwork three times in a row and stabbed myself with a letter opener. I’m currently trying to see if we can move our sofas into our new apartment tonight…but now I’m wondering if it’s wise to consider moving heavy furniture…

Fashion, Humor, Work March 11, 2009

Killing Time

“Are you not entertained?!”
-Gladiator

Let’s face it: work can drag. Actually, and not to be overdramatic, but work can slowly suck the will to live right out of you and leave you an empty, hollow shell.

Overwhelmed Office Worker While there is no known cure for this rotting of the soul, there are several ways to retard the symptoms. Some of the most popular of these techniques include: inventing sports to be played with office supplies, faking long “important” conversations with coworkers the topic of which suspiciously changes to something rather trivial when the boss leaves the area, or surfing the internet until you feel your brain turning to putty between your ears. Personally I blog and read books online, although Hennessy and Daae to chat it up a lot when we get the chance! Another tactic is to strategically let my work pile up in the morning so I have something to do all afternoon, while still appearing to be busy will the boring office maintenance stuff I have to get done every day.

Today there was a new way to make the hours tick by! The university is holding a three day conference of lectures you can attend on the clock. Wise, Susie, Doll, and I all ducked out for three glorious hours from nine until noon and then I had to meet with Maetani at one so basically my entire day has been spoken for. Then I get to do it again tomorrow…and again the day after! Friday the 13th unlucky? I think not!

"I am fabulous, please join me in celebrating how fabulous I am. I'm so fabulous, in fact...oh right! YOU people..."

The introductory speaker I could have done without but in a way she was amusing: basically she talked about herself non-stop for an hour and in no way tied it in with the topic of the conference, made her personal life applicable to any of her listeners, or managed to be inspiring. Maybe that doesn’t strike anyone else as funny but I appreciated the irony of a demotivating motivational speaker. Or maybe I was just really glad to be out of the office.

The amusement continues tonight with ANTM! This week: makeovers! Last week the ghetto un-fabulous contestant Angelea didn’t make the top 12 (for which I was deeply grateful, being unable to get over her bad fake hair, and bad green fake nails) but the other one I’m disliking strongly will probably stick around for a while because even thought she’s an absolute wench she certainly looks modelesque. I wish bad photo shoots upon her.

Oh! Last week’s intellectual gem? Angelea stating, “That girl is really pulling my buttons.” I laughed with unholy glee.

Humor March 10, 2009

An Edict

April prepares her green traffic light and the world thinks Go.
-Christopher Morley

I have decided that winter is over. There will be no future discussion on the matter, I have made my decision.

ist2_2962504-winter-sucks So all this snow on the mountains? Yeah, that has got to go. And further shenanigans with the temperature will not be tolerated, none of this 60 degree weather one day and 20-something degree weather the next. Icy sidewalks, parking lots, stairways, ramps, and surfaces in general are strictly verboten forthwith. Boots are again to be considered a fashionable accessory and not a survival necessity, as are scarves, gloves, and hats. Snow and hail must turn in their resignation, we have decided to move in a new direction, namely “spring showers.” Sunshine will be mandatory at least four days a week, clouds are permissable if they are of the fluffy white, breezy, or slighly-gray-but-only-passing-through varieties. Leaves must report for duty on trees immediately! Repeat immediately! Flowers to follow shortly thereafter. Sweaters are to be of the lightweight sort, with an optional jacket, and not layers deep of heavy wool. Thermometers will hover steadily between 70-85 degrees F. An aura of general pleasantness and “springness” will pervade the air.

Decreed this day by C., Empress of the Universe. Hear that, universe? I’m in charge and “We are not amused!”

Humor, Life March 9, 2009March 10, 2009

Another Five Minutes…

(J. looking at our future apartment) “Number fourteen sixty-nine. Seven years after Columbus.”
“…Fourteen NINETY-two?…”
“I’m tired!”
-J. and C.

I have no idea what my problem is, but these days I am well and truly exhausted! The past few nights I go over to J.’s to hang out and have ended up unconscious on his couch for at least an hour at a time. Daylight Saving didn’t help either. In fact, this morning when my alarm went off I thought I hit snooze but apparently I just turned the sucker off and when I again fluttered my lashes open it was 7:41 (when I have to be at work at 8). A really promising start to the week…

Drama, Humor March 4, 2009March 4, 2009

Survival of the Fittest

“I am never watching The Bachelor again!”
“Didn’t you tell me you said that a couple years ago?”
“This time I mean it!”
-Hennessy and C.

I swear, if I have to hear about The Bachelor’s choice from one more co-worker, friend, or news anchor I may spontaneously combust. I’ve never watched the show, although Kiri got most of our flatmates hooked on it when we lived together, so perhaps I’m not one to judge…but from my limited expose I venture to postulate it’s one of the sluttiest shows on TV. It’s in league with Rock of Love in which strippers compete for the fondling–I mean love!–of a fickle rockstar, For the Love of Ray J in which hoes compete for the fondling–I mean love!–of a mediocre R&B star, and any number of MTV’s dating shows. The crucial difference seems to be that The Bachelor tries to class things up with roses and champagne in an effort to hide the fact that one guy is poly-dating, and everyone is OK with this!

Don't worry, I judge myself. Doesn't stop me, though...

I like my guilty TV to be absolutely upfront about its triviality. Hence my guiltiest pleasure, America’s Next Top Model, which starts up its new season tonight. Peregrine, Mrs. Cakes, J., and pretty much everyone I know either turn a blind eye to my addiction or mock it outright, but it doesn’t deter me. Tyra Banks’ biggest fan is Tyra Banks and I’m fairly positive she’s insane, I hate the fact that Miss J has better legs than I do, and listening to all those dumber-than-air girls invent words, slaughter grammar, and generally live down to all stereotypes might or might not cause people to lose brain function…in other words it has absolutely no redeeming value whatsoever. Love it!

I guess I have no problem with people making an idiot of themselves on TV, but I do object to people who use it as a dating medium. If you can’t find love the normal way are are forced to resort to such desperate measures, I figure it might just be Nature’s way of weeding out the undesirables. Reality TV is destroying good Darwinian principles!

Family, Humor March 2, 2009March 2, 2009

Adventures in Family Planning

“Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.”
-Spike Milligan, The Last Goon Show of All

I was rushed on Friday so I didn’t get to share the full glory of my anti-pregnancy adventures. Let me tell you about the ghetto fabulous place I went to! I had a couple of friends recommend Planned Parenthood as a convenient and relatively inexpensive place to go for birth control consults, but I very nearly backed out when I saw the “clinic” (and I use that term very loosely).

Emphasis on the "hood" part...don't let pink and happy fool you! — Emphasis on the "hood..." don't let pink and happy fool you!

It was housed in an old apartment complex place that I would go nowhere near after dark, if it had even been cloudy outside it would have looked like a set from a slasher movie. Dark and crumbly are two words that spring to mind, with just a dash of menace. What really almost cinched it was the sign on the front that said, “No Cell Phones Allowed, Please Leave in Car.”

“So no one can hear you scream?” I thought, “Oh hell no!”

I just put mine on silent and nervously walked in. Thankfully the inside was much better and my panic abated somewhat, but still I will laugh in the face of anyone who recommends PP to anyone else. Upside is the pill there is about $10-15 cheaper than a pharmacy.

The rest of my weekend was taken up with family planning of a different variety. My little godniece Elle’s blessing was on Sunday and the preparation for the whole shindig took the better part of two days! GS and GBIL moved into their new apartment while she was heavily pregnant and never really got settled in before baby came. So come Saturday Fairy, Brando, Pieter and his girlfriend Benz, and I all decamped to GS’s house for a major overhaul. Painting, washing, hanging drapes, you name it we did it. And then on Sunday, after the blessing in church, what seemed like half the population of this side of the Rockies descended on us ALL bearing food. It was a sight to behold! Little kids, cousins, second-cousins-a-couple-dozen-times-removed, grandparents, great-grandparents, friends, and almost-family were everywhere, we eventually had to spill into the front yard to clear room in the house for people to eat.

This will not be me, this will not be me, this will not be me...

And then on Sunday night, we had dinner with J.’s family at his sister’s house. Two parents, three kids, two in-laws, five grandkids (with one more on the way), more Tickle-Me-Elmo dolls than I have ever seen at once in my life, and me: incumbent daughter-in-law. It was fun, but a little weird. My family doesn’t really have a relationship with grandparents etc., I can count the times I’ve seen my cousins on one hand and here I’m going to be an aunt half a dozen time over the second I say, “I do.” I don’t even know how to be a grand-daughter, how am I supposed to be a daughter-in-law without horribly offending someone?!

Humor, Marriage February 27, 2009March 4, 2009

First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage, THEN Comes…Other Stuff

“Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight.”
-Phyllis Diller

Sooooo, the fun part about getting married when you don’t want kids and haven’t been sexually active? Screwing (no pun intended) with your hormones. Time for birth control. I did my research and decided to start with The Pill first. I’ve always wondered why those letters get capitalized, but I digress. I also told J. to DIPLOMATICALLY inform me if my mood or weight decides to to freak out.

Fun Facts! There is a 8/100 failure rate, something I initially panicked over and asked the doctor about and she laughed. “Pills generally fail when you don’t take them,” she said. “The failure rate when taken correctly is less than 1%.” Good. Now let’s just pray that I’m not extremely fertile. And apparently, most women who gain weight on the pill do so not because of drastic chemical changes, but because they start eating more. Feeling pregnant makes you eat. Huh. Geniuses, in the medical community, geniuses.

Home, Humor February 26, 2009February 26, 2009

Sugar Mamas, Inc.

“Can anything be so elegant as to have few wants, and serve them one’s self?”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

A storage receptacle, NOT our future home, yeah!

Once upon a time Venice got married (while I was out of the country and couldn’t come to the party!) and moved into an amazingly inexpensive apartment. A year later, C. was proposed to by J. and thought, “Gee, not only would it be awesome to live by somebody we actually know instead of moving into a new complex surrounded only by perky, happy newlyweds whose major life ambition seems to be reproduction as soon as possible, but it would also be awesome to not have to spend nearly twice as much on a place as I do now while halving the space. I wonder if there are any openings in their building?” And behold, there were! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we are not going to kick off our married lives in a cardboard box under a bridge somewhere, we will be card-carrying adults with a place of our own!

Pity our respective men, we’ll be living two doors down from one another!

Now, the moral dilemma. I have a rather nice tax return this year and no computer, do I use part of my return to buy myself one, or do I put it all towards outfitting my newly acquired flat? The correct answer of course is, “furnishings,” but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss having a computer.

rain1 There are other options as well, should I use the money to help my parents out with the wedding? Pay for at least part of the photography J.’s parents have very generously offered to take care of? Sleep on an air mattress and use crates for furniture, and investing the money in a valiant attempt to stimulate the economy? Turn on a really big fan and dance around in a rain of cash? (The first two have obvious karmic potential, the third I’m nixing for obvious reasons, the fourth is oddly appealing…)

Fashion, Friends, Humor February 23, 2009February 23, 2009

Fashion Forward

“Remember that always dressing in understated good taste is the same as playing dead.”
-Susan Catherine

This is a momentous week, my friends, and even before I tell you why I can feel the judgement emanating from your eyeballs as you read this. The answer is simple, it’s my own little Fashion Week in Small Dog Syndrome Land: Oscars last night and America’s Next Top Model starts this Wednesday. See? I feel it already.

Growing up I wasn’t exactly a tomboy so much as I never learned how to be a girl. In middle school Peregrine tried vainly to force me into blow drying my hair regularly, then I lived on Guam during high school where hair product and makeup would have come to a sticky and unattractive end anyway so no one bothered, and THEN I moved to a university where lots of the girls tend to have hair and makeup that would rival any beauty queens in both height and thickness respectively. But slowly and surely I gleaned the necessary skills to keep from looking like a gorgon OR a Blondezilla and now I (think I) have my hair and face under control.

However, even when I was myself hopeless, I have always loved fashion! I have always liked it when people find a way to make practical things interesting and beautiful, Fancy food, lingerie, fun architecture, even colored post-it notes are great, anything that does a job but looks good doing it is worth the time and money. And clothes? They keep you from being naked but they also show your personal taste, demonstrate solidarity with groups or complete independence, convey position…they just talk and tell stories. And they’re such fun! So obviously watching the Oscars is like being a kid in a couture candy store!

My thoughts on the night’s gowns? Read on, let me know what you think:

So close! I LOVE me a red dress, but the carpet matching hurts.

So close again! If only you'd worn your Prada dress instead of your Prada sheets!

– I really wanted to like Amy Adams’ dress, Carlina Herrera, in another venue I probably would have but she looked like she was emerging from the red carpet and so I’m going to have to regretfully say no. Her Fred Leighton necklace though? To DIE for!
– Jessica Biel’s dress wasn’t entirely off, Prada is always stunning and I do like structured bodices, but this one hid too much of her fabulous form. The color and the fabric are beautiful, but she looks a bit too much like she just rolled out of bed. And not in the good way.

Two thumbs way, way down. Beyonce, this smacks of your mother's designing...

Too bridey. — Taraji, too elegant to be shunned.

– Beyonce. Beyonce, Beyonce, Beyonce…you coined the phrase “bootylicious,” why must you encase yourself in a black and gold monstrosity? The bodice cut would have even worked if you didn’t have the weird graphic, but I absolutely and forever will hate fish-tail dresses.
– Taraji Henson’s Roberto Cavalli gown was so elegant! It was almost too bridey for me, but when I tried to think of another color it would have been equally stunning in I couldn’t so I’m going to have to let this one slide. Ethereal and graceful. The hair was a bit boring but still equisitely ladylike, and I’m going to say redeemed by the pop of her red bag. Nice sparklers around the neck too.

The dreaded fish-tail strikes again (see Beyonce above). It just doesn't work, please let it go.

–Penelope Cruz’s Pierre Balmain gown was lovely in its own way, but again with the bridal thing? Her’s even has the big skirt and sweetheart neckline. Pretty dress, but I didn’t like it for the Oscars.
–Melissa George. Dolce and Gabanna let her wear their stuff? What were you thinking?! That is all.

Not all the pundits agree, but I thought she looked great. Classic black always works, and goodness knows I love my emeralds!

Evan wins for the evening, in my book at least. Favorite look of the night!

– I love Angelina Jolie (post Billy Bob Thorton) and I think that she always looks elegant. Maybe her style isn’t as flashy and provocative as some people would like, but I think her choices tend to be pretty good. There was a forgettable Armani Atlier once and a mumu-esque mistake for her Changeling premier, but by and large I think her minimalistic style really works. She wore an Elie Saab in a classic black. Hate away stylists everywhere, I liked it!
– My favorite look of the night was Evan Rachel Woods in another Elie Saab. Also understated, but beautiful lines, gorgeous detail work on the bodice, and suited her peaches-and-cream complexion perfectly. Subdued but fabulous earrings, and dark nails (love ’em!).

I am deeply in lust with Angie's earrings. My most coveted item of the night. — I am deeply in lust with these sparklies. My most coveted item of the night.

Since I’m still poor I have to live vicariously through the TV. Margot and I met up with Angel at her house to watch the Oscars, make last minute bets about which movies/people would win, and (for me at least) drool over the dresses. Unfortunately I think the Disney Princess Leauge gowns were bad and there were way too many bridal looking gowns (No, I’m not being selfish and self-centered, I just don’t want to see brides on the red carpet. Mine isn’t even white, back off!)

Others were equally stunning, Anne Hathaway was breathtaking as usual, and Best Actress Kate Winslet’s black and blue off-the-shoulder number was lovely. Meryl Streep’s gray dress I didn’t care for at all, and Sophia Loren? Ghastly!

Lest we forget, the accessories were lovely: Taraji Henson’s bag and Amy Adam’s necklace being in the top three, but I love emeralds. Love them. My engagement ring attests to that. Ergo I must must must find a way to steal Angelina Jolie’s Lorraine Schwartz earrings.

Finally, the WORST looks of the night? Miley Cyrus in Zuhair Murad. Scarlett O’Hara managed to make drapes look good, what’s your excuse? And Sophia Loren? Goodness knows we love you but WTF?!

: What is this? Fish scales meets dirty south? Fire whoever told her to wear this, stat!

Drama, Humor February 18, 2009February 18, 2009

Girl Behaving Badly

“A woman in love can’t be reasonable, or she probably wouldn’t be in love.”
-Mae West

I never thought love made you stupid. Oh boy…read on.

So…sometimes I can overreact just a little (Shut up! Stop sniggering at me! This means you!) but in my defense it usually takes quite a combination of things to tip me over the edge. Yesterday, after a long staff meeting, no food, and a lunch break spent getting told that my computer was worth more as scrap metal than getting fixed, my dad iced the irritation cake by sending me a book the subject of which is “marital relations: why it’s good to have them, and don’t feel bad because God approves” without any warning. Wow…really not your business, Dad, but thanks for the…support? Goodwill? What is this exactly?!

I worked myself into a completely pointless rage, sent of a snappish email to my father which I instantly felt bad about (but it took Guilt and his hired guns Remorse and Self-Loathing another six hours to find me, work me over, and force me into apologizing), gnawed all my fabulous long nails off, and was moody the rest of the day. Which only gave me a tension headache, so I don’t know why I did it.

I've discovered drama. It's inconvenient.

But then I read my darling Margot’s dramatic rant againt the Universe (careful, the universe answers!) and felt a bit better about my own overreaction.

I wasn’t nearly this much of a girl before I started dating J. Really. I promise. Stop sniggering at me! Anyway, maybe love has a weird effect on me, it doesn’t make me stupid so much as irritable; a fact that J. finds hilarious. Which irritates me more. Vicious cycle.

Humor. Opinions. Life in London.

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