Category: Humor

Fashion, Humor, Shameful February 12, 2009February 12, 2009

A Clean, Crisp Look

“That’s a small?!”
-Susie

Somewhere in our military storage (the location of which I can roughly narrow down to “somewhere on one of three continents”) there is a photo album. In this photo album is a picture, that my parents find hilarious, of me as an infant dressed in a once-white onesie and absolutely covered in spaghetti and sauce, and completely thrilled about the situation. Though I can’t remember the incident it seems to have kicked off a lifetime curse of being messy/klutzy/generally imparied when it comes to cleanliness, pasta sauce, and white shirts.

Eating luch at J.’s I was attacked by a tortellini shell which took an enthusiastic dive off my fork and straight down my best white shirt. Luckily we have a bunch of (horrifically ugly) department shirts in our supply room so I found the smallest one I could and made the switch…and then doubled over laughing in the closet. I dashed to Susie’s office to show off the marvelous sight of this “small” shirt ending somewhere around my knees, the sleeves of which extended long over my finger tips with armholes that take up half of my rib cage.

I had to tuck what feels like a couple yards of fabric into my trousers, which needless to says feels unbecomingly bulky, and roll the sleeves up three times to get them to just below my elbows. I look like I’m having an illicit affair with a police dispatcher and had to sneak out in his shirt this morning!

Humor, Wedding February 11, 2009February 11, 2009

Decisions Decisions

“I’m not bride-y, I’m just a planner. I don’t care so much as having things done a certain way so much as a I care about having them done.”
-C. to Venice

My mother would be poleaxed to discover what a (relatively) organized adult I am. I can’t begin to count the fights we got into over the state of my bedroom floor as a teenager. Looking back I think I battled cleaning and organization mostly because she told me to clean and organize, logically flawed now but made perfect sense to my adolescent mind at the time I’m sure.

Decisions decisions... — If done properly I'm sure I can get a lot of superfluous people to "unfriend" me on Facebook...

Now, having to organize a wedding, to say nothing of the far more important stuff that comes after like housing, insurance, banks, furniture, etc, I can be glad that I grew into such a planner. The little things like keeping my bedroom 100% neat and tidy may forever escape me, but the big crisis sort of stuff I’ve found I can rise to spectacularly. My goal for this week was to have the dates all locked in for the actual wedding and reception. Happy to report as of 4:30 pm yesterday, all is secure. Date is July 1, marriage place set, reception center booked. Want to talk about providence? The day before and after were both taken but the day we wanted everything was clear, I may or may not have heard a faint rendition of the Hallelujah Chorus in my head somewhere.

I promise not to be too annoying about the whole process. Mostly I'll just be confused

J. was a good sport coming along to make sure the place was one his mom would like (because keeping one’s potential MIL happy is vitally important, the women in my family have a history of marrying into families that disapprove, I’m trying awfully hard to break that particularly vicious cycle!). When asked if he had any strong opinions on the stuff we were looking at he, very correctly, responded, “Whatever makes you happy.” Right answer, but I’m afraid I don’t have a lot of strong opinions either. I’m still trying to formulate a plan of attack in my head. Right now the only sort of goal I can articulate is, “Classy.” I should probably solidify that idea at some point…

Humor February 9, 2009February 9, 2009

Reader, I’m Marrying Him

“Another brother?! I already have two!”
-Snickers, my 11 year old sister

J. asked, I said yes. And ever since then I’ve had a perma-grin plastered all over my face. Plus a Miles-ian litany of “I’m getting married. To this man. Isn’t he handsome? And smart and funny? Mine, mine, all mine!” running through my head on a non-stop basis.

Since J. and I have tended to be rather closed mouths about the whole thing (see Fig. 1), here’s a few useless facts : we’ve been dating almost 11 months, known each other for 3 years, have about 50 mutual friends, have 7 siblings combined, and have a foot height difference between the two of us. There, now you know us.

My big crazy, problematic, globally based, hyper family. J.'s is much more sedate, thank goodness!

J.’s family was quietly happy when he broke the news, mine shrieked the roof down. J.’s the youngest in his family with three married older siblings, so this sort of occasion is more or less family business as usual…I’m the oldest child, oldest grandchild on both sides, the oldest female cousin, and the only one legally old enough to get married. I have no idea what I’m doing throwing a wedding together and my family is on another continent, unable to be press ganged into service.

Now, your millions of questions:
1) The ring is fabulous! It’s an EMERALD solitaire (for all of you who didn’t know, I don’t like diamonds)
2) Date is tentatively July 1st
3) Yes, I know what the dress is going to look like (don’t you wish you did!)
4) I have no idea what I’m doing but have determined to fake it charmingly!
5) No, I don’t know what “our colors” are going to be, nor do I much care. Stop asking.
6) Mine, mine, all mine!

Friends, Humor, Work February 6, 2009November 3, 2009

Cheese With That Whine?

“Do you just hate happy people today or something?”
“Yes.”
“Well, knock it off.”
“This? Coming from you?”
“Exactly. Consider the source. If I’m saying it, you may have crossed a threshold.”
-C. and Marie

A few lessons gleaned from this week, a few frustrations, and a few observations:

For all you would-be moguls out there, may I offer a humble tip towards being a good boss: Listen to your secretaries. They are the people who are responsible for keeping your megalomaniac ambitions logged, organized, and proceeding according to schedule. Lt. Citrus and Lt. Figaro both laid a project each on me this week without warning, which while it more than quadrupled my workload wasn’t too bad. The instructions, on the other hand, were maddening.

Quoth Lt. Figaro, “So, I’d like you to update this directory of every employee in the department. We haven’t done it in three years or so and it’s entirely obsolete. Theeson was the last person to update it” [Theeson was replaced by Tink who was replaced by Wise who was replaced by me, just for a time frame reference] ” but no one else ever really used it except me, and since she quit I’ve done without it, but I’ve decided I’d like a new copy.”

I tried to tell him that 1) we were hiring and firing half a dozen people within the week so the list would be obsolete by Friday anyway and 2) that I kept an up-to-date roster on the department server already complete with names, call numbers, and personal and professional contact information. “Well, just make it for me then if no one else will use it,” he smiled and went back to his office. I tried not to cry and mentally cut back my lunch hour.

Lt. Citrus’ project was validly important to the university, but the instructions he gave me to do it all came in the wrong order, with outdated software, and logically confusing interjections of last minute ideas, corrections, or modifications. And since it involved the creating, labeling, stuffing, packaging and mailing of literally 100 packets, by the end of the second day I had papercut my fingertips to shreds.

It’s been a long, hard week and I’m intensely glad it’s Friday. And I want Tink back desperately, work without a good friend to grumble about assignments to is drudgery.

Humor, Shopping February 5, 2009

Love (Induced Panic) Is In the Air

“So, I was going to ask, you’ve been dating your boy about as long as I’ve been with J., do you have any ideas of what to get him for Valentine’s Day?”
“Oh no! I was going to ask you!”
-C. and Hennessy

Oops. J. and I sort of revealed we’d nearly gotten the same things for each other for V Day. Now I know and can rectify the situation, but what now?! I managed to get him a fabulous birthday present but I have now discovered the danger of setting the bar too high. And next month is our 1 year whatever (I have an aversion to the word “anniversary.” Since neither one of us had ever dated anyone that long, when we hit 6 months J. suggested we should call it a “milestone” instead) and what am I supposed to do THEN? I’ve never had one before! Is it in bad taste to break up with him for about a day or so?

Kidding. Seriously, kidding!

In the spirit of Valentine’s Day Gift Buying Despair, I humbly offer up the following Demotivators:

sad1

sad21

sad31

Friends, Humor, Shopping January 26, 2009January 26, 2009

Confessions

“I am ashamed of confessing I have nothing to confess.”
-Fanny Burney

If only that quote were true, unfortunately I need some serious absolution. Read on for a list of grievances:

1- I shouldn’t have, but I did! Amazon.com was having a sale of international DVDs, I was weak. On the upside I finally own Amelie and the Gerard Depardieu version of Cyrano de Bergerac. I wanted to get Paradise Now but I couldn’t bring myself to spend even more…a laudable decisions I immediately flouted by finding some of my favorite books on sale as well.

1a- Addendum to the above: obviously I didn’t have enough books already so I went to Barnes and Noble’s website and found them selling my absolute favorite novel (which is out of print and I lent out my copy a year ago to S. Bear. She lost it. I nearly wept.) so what was I supposed to do but order a new copy? Kays, let no one judge you. Ever.

2- The carnage didn’t stop there. Venice and I hit the mall where I found a red pencil skirt (Hello! Absolutely necessary to my happiness, right?) a couple shirts and a cardigan.

3- I also went food shopping which isn’t bad of itself, but according to the Core Performance workout/nutrition thingy J. and I are doing, one of my favorite things (triple cream French cheese in any form) is verboten. Mark Verstegen, I defy you! In fact, I’m snacking on some at work right now, take that.

Caption — Some people have strong feelings about this holiday...

4- I have never dated anyone during the drama-fest known as Valentine’s Day (alternatively called Single Awareness Day, Suicide Day, Loneliness Inc. Day, Best Day Ever, or Bribe Someone for Affection Day depending on one’s worldview. I find I don’t fall into any of these categories) so I’m at a bit of a loss. I usually got rid of boyfriends in time to avoid the hassle. I don’t do pink and shiny, the only stuffed animal in my life is my comrade-in-arms-since-birth Teddy, and I’m an absolute snob when it comes to chocolate (the by-product of living in Belgium and England). What does one get one’s boyfriend of almost a year for the holiday?

5- and finally, speaking of drama, I am once again addicted to Grey’s Anatomy. I really thought I had kicked this one…nope…

Drama, Humor, Life January 23, 2009January 26, 2009

Angst du Jour

“Oh…the irony…”
-C.

For my high school graduation/18th birthday/going to college present, my dad bought me a laptop. My dad, wonderful man that he is, is always on the lookout for a good deal which is not necessarily a bad thing, but he often forgets his own favorite favorite saying, “You get what you pay for.”

My laptop itself was new but also an already outdated model that was too big and, as it later turned out, one of a line famous for a glitch that caused overheating. Somehow (by hanging the side off the edges of desks, keeping my window open in winter so cold air could blow on it, and buying multiple power cords when one after another was melted through) I managed to make it last for four years without crashes or data loss. However it was too much to hope that it could limp on any longer. I got all my music, pictures, data, and important work off of it and retired the poor thing to my closet.

My parents just got a new computer and decided to send me the old one, also a dinosaur but still very appreciated for its lack of battery incinerating habits. Sadly a couple of days ago, without warning, it simply turned itself off for no readily apparent reason and has since refused to turn back on.

At the time my reaction was a near heart attack and much, “My music! My photos! My writings! Angst, angst, angst! Why me?” You know, the usual wailing and gnashing of teeth routine. I’ve since accepted it and made appointments to have it looked at and begun silent prayers to the computer gods to be merciful.

PS – did you know there’s a patron saint of computers, program, users and the Internet? Found him when Googling “computer problems.” For some reason they picked a guy who died in the 7th century AD; I for one fail to see the connection.

Small Dog Syndrome