Category: Humor

Fashion, Humor, Silly, Snark

(S)Crew(ed) Up

“AUGH!!!!!!!”
-C.

Unbelievable!  J. Crew was having a sale on shirts (which I needed a couple more of for winter to give my few work sweaters a break) and the skirt I was lusting after was also miraculously on sale as well.  PLUS I had a $50 gift certificate that I got from my health insurance company for completing a bunch of health challenges they do throughout the year so I could afford them.  Obviously I had to take advantage, n’est pas? 

crazy_lady
An artist's rendering of a suspicious individual seen in the area about the same time as me. What a cooincidences, huh?

Not as easy as it first appeared!  This sale closed at midnight over the weekend and I (ridiculous creature that I am) of course forgot the gift certificate in my work desk.  Which meant a late night weekend gallop to the office, fetchingly attired in an old shirt, flannel pajama pants, mad hair, thick socks, and heeled shoes because they were the closest thing to hand as I rushed out the door.  Accompianied by J.’s fond head shakes and sighs of, “You’re a nuggins.”  His “adorable” nickname for me when I’m doing something particularly silly (I’m not so fond of it).

But apart from the slight craziness I exhibited, all was well!  I ordered my things happily and went to bed at peace.

This morning I woke up to a shiny online coupon in my inbox advertising 20% off one’s total order.  Which means had I waited 24 hours (and was psychic), I could have gotten my order for over half off.

Snarl.

Family, Holidays, Humor, Marriage, Money

Unlucky Indeed!

“This is always going to be a problem for us, you know.”
“How do you mean?”
“Well in June there’s your birthday, July our anniversary.  And then November is my birthday, followed by Christmas.”
“Oh my.  We did not time that well…”
-J. and C.

birt_127J.’s birthday is tomorrow, and oh the problems!  I ordered his present weeks ago, and after much angst that it wouldn’t come in time, I happily opened the mailbox yesterday to find it snuggled inside along with my mother’s christmas present (Poverty means that you have to buy presents in conjunction with paychecks.  The more people in your life, the more paychecks you have to start thinking ahead.  I have to think very far ahead).  I got it inside, past J.’s grabbing hands and demands of, “What did you get me?!” and snuck it into its hiding place, when an Awful Realization struck.

I think J. may already have what I got him.  Uh oh…

Never mind!  He’s under orders to appear absolutely thrilled in front of my in-laws and I will quietly exchange it later if it is in fact, as I fear, a double.

Another realization that struck me this past week, though not as awfully as the first, is that I am now in charge of J.’s birthday.  His last one we celebrated at his sister’s house complete with parents and four nieces and nephews (which I have now inherited) and it was definitely his parents’ show.  This year it’s my job.  Which meant a frantic scramble to call up Darling and my sister-in-law to coordinate a family get together.  Today I ordered the cake he wanted (thereby pushing Gio and Buddy’s presents to next paycheck’s shopping list.  I’m already behind!) and am I hoping haven’t forgotten anything else.

Also unlucky?  I’ve already run through my allotted Pandora minutes for the month.  Sigh.

Fashion, Humor, Life, Working Out

Those Are The Mightiest Calves I Ever Have Seen! …I Mean…

“Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but backwards and in high heels.”
-Faith Whittlesey

chris-dickerson-calves
Ew.

Thank goodness we’ve moved into colder weather, where my work wardrobe can do me some good!  However, it has been brought to my attention that looking nice at work can have some unforeseen consequences.  Apart from the expanding waistline (that comes from less exercise)…wearing some sort of heel everyday has apparently given my calves such a workout that they are getting bigger.  To the point that my nice boots are snug! 

A girl can’t win…

 

Family, Holidays, Humor, Shopping

Gifts That I Keep On Giving

“Advice is cheap, Ms. Molloy.  It’s the things that come gift wrapped that count!”
-Hello, Dolly!

Handmade be damned!  I buy holiday presents for people.  Reason the first: I am not in the least bit crafty, I prefer forming words to paper mache.  Reason the second: I like shopping way too much.

grinch
Too many presents!

Of course, the holidays get more and more expensive every year as a result, to say nothing of it being harder to come up with ideas.  My father, J. and Venice have birthdays this month, mere days apart.  In December, Fairy, Elle, and Buddy have birthdays all orbiting Christmas.  In addition to family and god-family this year, I now have in-laws to buy presents for!  Remember the panic I endured last year when I was only J.’s girlfriend?  Multiply that times siblings, nieces, nephews, and pets.  Gah!

Last year for J.’s birthday I got him tickets to an NBA game for his favorite team, in the lower half of the stadium.  Ergo, I was Girlfriend of the Year.  In retrospect, I completely shot myself in the foot because there is nowhere to go but down from there.  And even my Christmas presents last year were pretty good! 

How am I supposed to keep doing this for the next fifty to sixty years?!

Fabulous, Fashion, Fun, Humor, Shopping, Work

A Day In The Life (or, Retreat! Retreat!)

“To live content with small means; to seek elegance rather than luxury and refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy not respectable, and wealthy not rich…this is my symphony.”
-William Ellery Channing

A worthy, worthy goal, my loves, but how is a girl supposed to resist the allure of the fabulousness we endured during our secretaries retreat today?

How can a secretaries retreat be fabulous you ask?  I shall tell you.

image_room_double_luxury_1
Well, if we MUST...

First of all we went to the local ski town/get-a-way for many of the rich and famous.  We were treated to an incredible suite in an amazing five-diamond winning lodge-style hotel, because the guy who is head of security there used to work for our police department and likes us.  We were given the works!  Valet parking, personally escorted to our rooms, a charming young man sent up to light a fire for us, lunch at the five-star restaurant on the house, and the grand tour of the premises.  He pointed out the various celebrities homes on the neighboring mountain (many of which he’s run security on), walked us through where a certain un-named actress was recently married, took us through the rooms where a past president stayed, gave us several un-repeatable bits of gossip into the lives of some celebrities and dignitaries as he led us through the rooms they occupied, and also told us stories about the incredible lengths they go to in this place to preserve privacy

Sidenote – why oh WHY am I a secretary?!  Why didn’t I go into protocol, start in the government and military circles that revolve around themselves in England and work my way up through the fabulous hotels of London, doing the obligatory stint in the Queen’s service of course, and finishing up in a place where interesting people whirl in and out and ask you for nothing but to keep their secrets?  Whilst leaving five hundred dollar tips!  My only recourse at the point is to somehow break into the world of writing and become one of those interesting people with secrets, I suppose.

Back to our tale!  After being wined and dined, we spent two glorious hours attacking the local outlet stores that include everything from GAP to Coach!  I justified buying myself a few things by buying even more things for other people, knocking a solid three family members off my Christmas-shopping list in an hour.  Completely disregarding the fact that we are still paying off the four new tires currently cushioning my car.  Christmas is coming, and there will be no goose to get fat because C. will have pawned it in desperation.

funny-dog-pictures-jeeves-bone
Small Dog lives it up.

And believe it or not, we managed to have a lovely meeting in which frustrations were discussed, problems were solved, training was accomplished, and much needed venting got done.  It was glorious.

“Why don’t the guys ever go on retreats like this?” asked Wise as we pulled out our folders, took notes, and stretched our feet luxuriously towards the fire.
“Because they don’t know how to do things properly,” I retorted.  “Peasants.”

Food, Home, Humor, Life, Marriage

Seasoned

“No look, I’ll show you.” 
Pause. 
“Wow.  I was just about to lift up my shirt and then I thought, ‘No, there’s got to be a better way…'”
– Kay

 I love my husband.  I do.  But I am more convinced than ever that he married me purely for the entertainment.  Last night, we both collapsed in the door feeling generally beaten about by the world (him from mid-terms, me from work), and dove straight into pajamas.  I was freezing so, against my will, I grudgingly pulled on my only long sleeve pajama top: a gray one with the words, “You, Me, and the Mistletoe” emblazoned across it that’s been in storage for a year.  (I’m breaking one of my cardinal holiday rules: one at a time!)  However, feeling toasty I forgave myself my Thanksgiving-overlooking indiscretion and happily relaxed, allowing J. to eat macaroni and cheese to his heart’s content while I finished off leftovers…until after we had cleaned up and I snuggled up against him for a hug…he leaned into my neck and smelled me.

Not adorable “I love your perfume” smelling, or even “I’m just trying to annoy you by doing weird things” smelling.  Full on, “There’s something wrong here” smelling.

dash“What?” I demanded, pulling away.
“No!  Come back!” he yanked me back against him, leaning down to bury his nose in my shoulder.
“What on earth is wrong with you!”
“You smell funny.”  Deep inhale again.
“Hey!”
“No, I mean you smell…” he sucked another sniff down before declaring, “like seasoned salt, or spices.”  A pause.  “Why?”
“You’re just picking on me.”
“No I’m not, take of your shirt and smell.”
“Of all the stupid-”
“I’m serious!”

Not only did I get my shirt ridiculously caught on my elbow (and therefore stuck), I didn’t even need to get it over my head before the unmistakable whiff of Cajun seasonings hit me full in the face. 

The great question for me is not J.’s “Why?” …but “How?!”

Friends, Humor, Movies, Silly

Bite Me

Extemporized conversation with Margot post-Nosferatu viewing:

(Editor’s Note:  I stand by it.  Vampires ≠ sexy!)

C: I really liked the part when he comes into Lucy’s room and says, “Love me like you do your husband,” and she basically comes back with a quick, “Nope!” only classier and in German.  He actually looked confused that he wasn’t very persuasive!
M: Oh…I…I really thought that would work… I was really hoping you’d say ‘yes,’ this whole thing would be much less awkward.  Having just broken in your room and everything.
C:   I, um, don’t have a plan after this.  Ok…well look, I’ve stalked you all the way from Transylvania-“
M: Actually moved in next door, after almost killing your husband-
C: And wiping any memory of you he has. 
M: Did I mention I’m a harbringer of the Black Death?
C: And rats follow me everywhere in the countless millions.  I also seem to spark insanity in the masses.
M: And I also drink people’s blood.  Yes, suck them absolutely dry, poor devils.
C: ……….Why don’t you like me?

VampireNosferatu
Ok, last chance to become my undead girlfriend...wait! Where are you going?
Friends, Fun, Humor, Silly

Of Vampires

“Children of the night, SHUT UP!”
-Love at First Bite

silly_girls_vampire_tee_tshirt-p23523092877190415210c8_210
This is for Small Dog's friends on "Team Jacob." He's still NOT REAL, but from my limited knowledge he's a little less whiny.

I cannot escape them!  They’re every, everywhere!  Cute campus couples as Bella and Edward (my opinion of the literary drivel that is Twilight can be found here) and teachers/staff dressing the part.  The new stupid looking vampire kids movie the name of which I can’t recall, The Vampire Diaries on TV…even my weekly dose of Sherlock Holmes on PBS was a mystery about a supposed vampire this week!  Yes, I get that crushing on the undead is trendy, but honestly!  Way to beat a dead horse.

Now, I liked the Interview With the Vampire movie when I saw it, I was delightfully creeped out by Bram Stoker’s Dracula (I borrowed it from the library and it had such a chilling cover that I had to turn it face down and shove it under my bureau at night), and I am going to see Nosferatu with Margot tonight…but the obsession some people feel for vampires is bizarre.

How ''bout a date, baby? 'No?' But...Edward's a, uh, cousin of mine!
Hey, baby, how 'bout a date? No?! But...Edward's my, uh, cousin! Yeah, that's it!

Mostly I find it funny (from a historian’s viewpoint) that the sex-crazed, hauntingly beautiful, interestingly pale and tragic, romantic figures that most people associate with the term are only a product of the Victorians (actually…the above description fits those Victorians themselves pretty well too…).  Originally vampires were the spirits of suicide victims, witches, heretics, etc. and resembled blood drenched bloated corpses.  Sexy!

Humor, Stupid People

Law and Order

“Common sense is not so common.”
-Voltaire

Yes, it is around time for Halloween and (as you may recall) I’m all for costumes…

But coming on to campus dressed in an actual SWAT shirt wearing an actual bullet proof vest packing actual bullets and flares and two airsoft guns which look frighteningly like the real thing…

…Strikes me as a supremely foolish thing to do. 

officer
If you must dress as a policeman, try this. Inappropriate, yes. Illegal, no.

Oh, by the bye, this kid is a doctoral law student.  You think they would have covered impersonating a law officer, as well as public disturbance…because a lone man on a campus carrying weapons quite rightly incites fear.*  More personally if convicted he could be dismissed from the school and forfeit his credits/degrees.

I think working here has probably made me slightly more attune to the nuances of such choices and their effects…but I still think common sense would keep a person from carrying live ammunition onto a campus where firearms are prohibited.

Although, after the Elk, I suppose the last of the surprise and astonishment should have been knocked out of me.

*Lest we forget the over 50 victims of school shootings in the past two years in the U.S. alone

Humor, Snark, Work

The Lowly Secretary In Her Natual Habitat

“The reward for a job well done, is usually a harder job.”
-Lois McMaster Bujold

For all of my supervisors’ shifting and sorting in order to keep me steadily busy (which, by the way, is absolutely impossible with police work: you’re either swamped or drooling on your keyboard while the minutes laugh at you as they snail on by) I still managed to finish my jobs months ahead of schedule and can now apparently recommence drooling undisturbed. 

Obviously, I’m having another bout of feeling frustrated by my job.  They come and go.  Each attack gets less vitriolic and more resigned, but the feeling still boomerangs, and probably will continue doing so until J.’s done with school and we move, I finally toss off all restraints and throw myself into writing professionally (bankrupting and starving us both in the process), or until I succumb to the idea that resistance to my fate is futile (never!).

busy_person
I make this go away. You're welcome.

If ever I’m not outrageously busy, somebody wanders by and makes snarky comments about how they’re paying me and Hennessy to sit on our bums and do nothing.  Regardless of the fact that I do all of the department’s customer service, or whatever it’s referred to in police work, maintain all department records, do all the mindless projects they dump on my desk simply because they don’t want to do them, keep the office clean, maintain all of their schedules, have attended all the trainings and obtained all the certifications, skills, and accesses they’ve required of me, manage all our 150 student employees, work with courts, lawyers, and insurance companies constantly, and still do their bloody laundry three days a week!  I’ve also identified and fixed procedural problems of my own volition and been commended for it!

Click here to recieve your reward.
Click here to recieve your reward.

Obviously this deserves punishment, scorn, and snark from my co-workers/supervisors.

If I’m capable of keeping up my normal duties and still managed to clean, resort, restock, and reorganize our huge office supplies/police gear/self-defense class items/parking equipment storage closet in three days, rewrite the entire procedure manual in four, and set up Chief’s email contact sheets in ten minutes…shouldn’t that mean that I can go to the vending machines for a snack without someone getting in a snit?

I deeply apologize for being a fast and thorough worker.  I’m even considering stopping it.  Because apparently all it gets me is frustrated in the long-term, and lectured and punished in the short.