Category: Humor

Family, Holidays, Humor, Silly

8 Puppets Blaspheming

 “Twelve monkey mating,  ‘leven donkeys dancing, ten pygmies farming, nine socks a-swimming…FIVE GOLD RINGS!”
– Eddie Izzard

For some reason, our productions did not receive nearly as much acclaim. Can't imagine why...

As promised, here is one of our favorite and probably most quirky/embarassing family traditions.  Long ago, my mother made some hand puppets for a group Christmas project.  Nothing fancy, just felt oven mitt sorts of things.  We used them for years at Christmastime to act out the Nativity Story, without incident or indiscretion until one year, Dad had the brilliant idea to turn on the video recorder.

The footage of this historic event is long departed into the void of computer-crashing-moving-technical-kablooey, but mutual stored memory among the siblings suggests a potential fist-fight behind the stage (sofa) and much arguing and some sacrilegious name-calling.

In subsequent years our quiet family puppet show devolved from its auspicious starting point.  It didn’t take too long for it to hit the point of parody. 

The next year King Herod breathed like Darth Vadar (complete with asthma inhaler), and the Holy Virgin did lamaze breathing to calm her nerves while Saint Joseph (who was captain of the football team at Nazareth High) stumbled about flexing uselessly.  The cap and crown to our we-will-go-to-Hell-for-this performance was the angel Gabriel as played by Yoda as played by Dad.  “Annunciating I am!  Have a baby you willll…”  His voice cracked on the last word and has become holiday tradition ever since to impersonate Dad (as Yoda as Gabriel) choking.  Somehow, I misremember, the cow featured prominently leading Gio to exclaim, “It’s a holy cow!” which immediately became our production company name.

A subsequent year featured a lampooning of Monty Python: the taunting Frenchman as the inn-keeper, Mika as the Dreaded Black Beast of Augh, an improvised kick-line (performed by the intrepid puppeteers) and, naturally, the falling cow of catapult fame.

You're destroying cultural and literary icons, you barbarians!

Our most memorable foray into the dark, iredeemable depths of nerdiness was a Lord of the Rings spoof.  Our three wisemen (Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli) form the Fellowship of the King.  Galabriel annuciates.  The shepherds of Rohan ride sheep around energetically.  Mary, who looks wearily into the camera and whines and constantly about the terrible burden she is forced to carry alone, is saved when Joseph Gamgee (Gio) declares, “I can’t carry it for you, but I can carry YOU!” and sweeps the other puppet gallantly off.  Then there is the memorable presentation of the gifts: gold, myrrh, “and my axe!”  There were random interjections of Buddy’s dragon puppet (which does not feature in the usual cast, but he wanted to use it), Gio stole one of Snickers’ lines which nearly brought on an actors’ strike, and most of the outtakes feature us alternatively arguing with one another or dissolving into giggles while Dad vainly demands, “Quiet on the set!”

We are hopless, helpless dorks.

Humor, Life, School, Snark, University, Work

Thwarted

“I don’t need to compromise my principles because they don’t have the slightest bearing on what happens to me anyway.”
– Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes

Chief has squashed my plan of taking a class this coming semester to prep for grad school.  The reason given is that Wise (who is enrolled in the very program I’m after) has a lot more leeway to take classes since she doesn’t have a front desk position and work with the public as I do.  A decision that makes sense on paper, and which I can grudgingly understand…if it were not for the fact that several police officers and other supervisors for the department take classes very frequently, often for multiple semesters in a row (and shouldn’t police officers deal with the public just as much, if not more than me?).  AND if it were also not for the department history and manifesto I retyped and edited four days ago, containing an entire paragraph about how the department strongly encourages and accommodates the further education of its employees through university classes. 

Although I find the logic painfully baffling, I also understand that it’s an executive decision on the Chief’s part which, in all fairness, he did mull over for several days (before crushing it into tiny, tiny pieces).  And though I admit I wish I could throw my level-headed acceptance of this ruling out the window and throw a (mild) tantrum, that’s not really my style.

I prefer weaseling around the problem.  I’ve enrolled in some independent study courses and am looking into evening classes as well, which fall outside supervisor oversight.  It’s annoying to try to get into them at this late date, but I have at least three terms between now and when my application would be turned in so I have plenty of time to formulate a new plan of attack!

Small Dog is feeling, er...bulldogish.

I could switch departments (unlikely with the hiring freeze, but I won’t rule it out).  My French course, offered through independent study, could potentially count as my final language requirement and remove all obstacles.  I could say, “To Hades with it all!” and become a full-time student again (plunging us back into poverty, but only for a year or couple of semesters towards the end of J.s degree – very unlikely, but still possible depending on my level of desperation).  I could stage a coup and overthrow the school, take the president hostage, and demand he let me take my one single class (extremely unlikely). 

There are options, my darlings.

Drama, Humor, Life, Marriage, Shameful, Work

The Emotional Equivelent of “LA LA LA! I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”

“Why the HELL didn’t I continue with French?!”
“Don’t swear.”
“Why the CUSS didn’t I continue with French?”
“Well, you can take classes.”
“Yes but if I don’t do well, and I haven’t studied it for three years, it will affect my GPA which will affect my application.  CUSS CUSS CUSS!”
– C. and J.

We all have them, but for about a month or so I’ve been going through a right awful funk.  And although I wish I could say I’ve been keeping it under wraps, I’m afraid it’s been spilling over a bit.  I’ve gotten noticeably sharp with people, even friends, short-tempered at work, and bitter about small things that have just seemed to mount on top of each other.  It culminated last night in a meeting for J.’s new fraternity for accountants when I was exhausted and stressed.  I tried to be funny but only succeeded in being rude, and collapsed in a sobbing pile of guilt when we got home. 

Unfortunately, I’m a bottler: I keep things locked up inside until the inevitable explosion that tends to leave a wake of destruction.  And even though we’ve all been told time and time again that this is not a healthy way to live, so many of us keep doing it because it has some obvious immediate benefits.

Liar.

My problems are petty and selfish, but that doesn’t make them irrelevant or mean they don’t affect my life. 

– I’m in a state of constant frustration that I spent four years getting an education, but work in a job that has nothing to do with what I studied (the European Studies field is not exactly conducive to jobs in the Western United States).

– I don’t really like living where we do.

Humph!

– Truthfully, I had this plan post-graduation, which involved me moving back to England.  I am an ENTJ, I frame my life in these little plans and get frustrated when they don’t come to fruition.  It wouldn’t matter if common sense, good counsel, or God changed my plans, I’d still get annoyed/angry if things didn’t work out the way that I had intended.  (Which I absolutely think happened in my decision to get married and stay in the States, and which I still think is probably the best decision I’ve made for myself.  It’s just not what I thought was in the cards a year and a half ago; that’s what makes my little control-freak, inner Napoleon jump up and down howling, “Zees was not le plan!”)

– I miss being in school and recently came to the conclusion, after much deliberation, that I wanted to pursue grad school.  And seeing as I can take classes for free, a perk of working for a university, why not?  Problem A) my major, which I loved and would not hesitate to choose again, did not really prepare me for any of the graduate degrees offered here.  My emphasis was in history and they have removed the MA in History degree (an idiotic move if ever there was one!).
Problem B) the next best degree, and one I am really interested in due to the interdisciplinary nature of the program, requires more classes in French.  Which, if I want to get into the program beginning this coming fall, I’d need to complete in record time.  A troublesome goal if one works full-time.  Oh!  And I’d need to take the GRE in about a month.

Mostly, I feel stuck.  I can’t progress (at least immediately) in the way I want my education to go, we aren’t leaving this area (at least immediately) for a small eternity, and I can’t pursue my own interests (at least immediately) due to duty to my family. 

And I’m the most impatient person I know!

There are treatments.  Obviously I need to take better care of myself.  I don’t work out anymore [again] and I’ve noticed that I haven’t been eating enough, which would put anyone in a strop.  I also don’t have any pursuits outside of work right now, and that’s soul-numbing.  I’m committed to grad school, but will I kill myself trying to make it happen all at once (or at least before the March application deadline)?  Maybe I should make it a goal for next year and work more slowly and steadily towards it instead of trying to rush it.

Weigh in, friends.  Had a minor life crisis recently?  Plans get disrupted?  Get impatient with goals that are attainable, but seem so far off?

Fabulous, Humor, Shopping

A Lesson In Snobbery
 
“I’m a lady, dammit.”
– C.

Occasionally J. teases that I’m a snob, and I can’t really get offended by it because it’s sort of true.  For example… 

Let me explain the problem...c'est ne pas la mot juste. And your tenses are wrong. That's all.

I always prefer quality to quantity when it comes to buying things, I’d rather spend more on something that will last me longer than less on something that will fall apart or go out of fashion in the near future.  I’m a bit of a stickler for grammar (I spent a good hour last night proof-reading the group project J. and co. has been working on all term and it practically bled red ink by the time I was done.  The whole time I was muttering things like, “Double spaces between sentences, I don’t care what Twitter culture says!” and “Passive voice, be gone!”  Suddenly I have an insight into the power trip that can be editing, being a writer by comparison seems very tame).  

I think women should wear nice gloves in cold weather, and that fashion might change but style is eternal, so stock up on the classics.  Feminist though I may be, I think a man should be taught from a young age to open doors and pull out chairs, if for no other reason than it reflects well on his mother.  I, very snobbishly, turn up my nose at ostentatious (read: ugly) houses and think that people who buy things just for the sake of buying them and showing off are sad, sad individuals.    

I also think that people should adhere to dress codes, both those printed on invitations and those coming from conventional wisdom (I am especially irritated by people who show up to wedding receptions in jeans and will judge you for doing so).  Pearls always work, and unless something designed by Harry Winston is required for an extremely special occasion, simple diamond studs are all you need.  Less is more.  Politeness is important and anyone who says otherwise is just justifying their own bad behavior.  

I have this problem. I admit it.

This is not to say I don’t have lapses, some of them grievous, from this creed (see above quote).  But I maintain that they are eternal truths to be abided by.  I also have  a snobbish habit of calling people “peasants” when they’re doing something foolish, weird, or distasteful.  In my defense, I picked that up from my most lady-like friend Marie! 

So, knowing that I am a bit of a snob…what do you think my opinion of Walmart is?  To boil it down, any place capable of producing a website like this should be avoided at all costs.  However, situations do arise in which Walmart must be braved and one befell us last night.  

Whilst setting up J. and my collective Christmas present to ourselves (more on that later.  Suffice it to say, I am a very awesome wife), we both were struck with fits of paranoia: me for the physical safety of our fabulous presents, being a klutz with an awful propensity for knocking things over, and J. for the general safety of everything we own, as our deadbolt lock is a pretty pathetic lump of warped metal.  And so, seeing as the nearest home improvement store was closed and the next closest store was Walmart and it was nearly 10pm already, off we went for locks, screws, and nylon. 

...or at least your self-respect.

During our 20 minute sojourn one (full-grown) man let out a five second belch from the next aisle that reverberated throughout the framing and mounting section.  One university-age boy sauntered in wearing what I think was a nylon head-to-toe jumpsuit covered with a tree motif (which I would have assumed was for hunting if it were not for the vivid coloring – not hunter colors, by the way).  Another boy strolled past wearing tie-dye cut off short shorts and extremely bad facial hair.  I saw some spoiled fruit, one mullet, and one girl with pants drooping so low as to, er, let it all hang out.  

Yep, I’m a snob.  And I will not be going back to Walmart again for some time.

Food, Humor

I’ll Never Bake Again!

“Angst!  Angst!”
– C.

Yesterday after heading home an hour early from work (sick + tired + nausea + cramps + no lunch break + 2-3 hour long meeting = blech) I recovered enough to, or rather the drugs kicked in and I was able to, cook.  I put in one of my new movies and got to work marinating steak (to be used tonight) and then whipping up a spinach quiche…

…sort of.

See, I got all the cream cheese, egg, and spinach into the crust (which I bought at the store, not trusting myself – rightly it turns out – to make pastry) and popped it in the oven.  But then two minutes later, glancing through the recipe to see how long it should cook, I realized I’d forgotten the parmesan cheese!   Quick as you’d like, I dragged it out and mixed in the parmesan and tossed it back into the furnace. 

Then I realized that if I had forgotten the parmesan, I might have forgotten the cheddar as well…and I had.  Back to the oven, quick quick!  The crust was turning a lovely golden color by this time, and I couldn’t have been more ticked at it for looking yummy when I’d apparently left out half the ingredients. 

"Did you remember the onions, my dear?" "GAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" "Now, now, there's no need to fret."

And THEN, after I put it back in the oven, I banged my head (metaphorically) against the counter when I saw the green onions sitting in smug little rows on the other cutting board, taunting me with their not-in-the-quiche-ness. 

Finally I got everything mixed in (at various stages of baking) but THEN I forgot about it after I collapsed on the sofa in defeat.  All in all, the crust has come out a fearsome black…but the inside still tastes pretty good.

Books, Holidays, Humor, Shopping, Silly

After. Math.

“The Christmas season has come to mean the period that the public plays Santa Claus to the merchants.”
– John Andrew Holmes

Black Friday is not really something I participate in, I’ll occasionally venture out (closer to noon than midnight) but it’s no different for me than any other weekend shopping except the people are ruder and all have a look of unmasked panic flitting across their faces. 

But.  This year J. and I were tipped off early to Amazon.com’s sales.  BIG mistake!

I can quit any time I want!

– Five DVDs
-Eight books
– 80% of my inbox is shipping emails from Amazon
– Two packages received already
– One sore clicker finger
– Fourteen other books “Saved To Buy Later”
– Six squeals of excitement while clicking through site
– Nine heart-rending decision about what to buy and not buy
– Four times I’ve checked my shipping status since breakfast

Family, Holidays, Humor, Movies, Shopping, Work

How I Spent My Thanksgiving Holiday

 “Holidays – have no pity.”
– Eugenio Montale

Wednesday – I had work, J. didn’t have school.  Bitter.  I spent the afternoon making party favors for the department Christmas party and curling ribbon until my fingers were numb.

Thursday – Meet up with Fairy, Brando, Drill, Trixie, and others at that bastion of Americana, Chuck-a-Rama for cheap, easy food that we don’t have to clean up after.  Then back to godparents’ house for a rousing game of Rummikub and phone call from parents.

Friday – C. goes shopping (although NOT at 3am like the intrepid GS and GBIL…she waits until 10 and then hits the GAP and a couple unnamed stores for Christmas shopping).  Then she and J. group with everyone again to go to a movie.

Saturday – runs errands and finishes off the evening with The Football Game in which her team beats their hated rivals.  At some point during the celebrations, C. smacks her leg against the bleachers and obtains a nasty black and blue mark that she doesn’t notice until the next morning, so high is she from the euphoria.

Sunday – sleep in.

Small Dog does not enjoy going back to work after four days of indulgence.

Holidays, as nice as they are, have one horrible symptom: the reality check at the end.  Four days free of work means that all the industrious little habits one has get unceremoniously kicked out the window and waking up Monday morning is a chore.  I barely got in a shower before we had to dash out the door and didn’t have time to wash my hair.  Not the best way to kick off the busiest time of the year, at work and otherwise!

Family, Holidays, Humor, Marriage

Turkey Day

“Thanksgiving is, after all, a word of action.”
– W. J. Cameron

Small Dog's first married Thanksgiving. Aw...

My immediate family has always been rather insular, we live far away from my extended family and haven’t always had the best relationship with them anyway.  So holidays have mostly been just us and I’ve always liked them that way: smaller, inundated with our own bizarre traditions (I think I’ll discuss some of our more quirky holiday habits at length later), and just plain cozy. 

And then I married the youngest of five children (three others of whom are married with kids of their own) whose parents live nearby and who like to get everyone together on holidays. 

So yesterday when we had our first faux-Thanksgiving (another one with godfamily may or may not be forthcoming…they haven’t celebrated a holiday on its designated day for some years now, thanks to Drill’s work schedule.  Who knows?  Maybe we’ll just eat pie and go to a movie!) because Darling and Atticus are going out of town this week, it was quite the event!  Four kids, two babies, eight adults, three ovens, two dozen rolls (not enough!), four pounds of yams (barely enough), one turkey, approximately four million toys all over the kitchen floor, and one minor blizzard.

Do not stand in the way of hungry nieces and nephews.

Absolute madness!  In a fun way.  I met J.’s oldest brother and sister-in-law for the second time (first time was at the wedding) and tricked their baby into liking me.  My brother-in-law misunderstood instructions and dumped a bunch of boiled potatoes onto the counter instead of mashing them up and then took a picture of his baby’s new trick of grabbing onto things (I taught him!).  Unfortunately, baby was grabbing onto my necklace and the camera was perfectly angled down my shirt.  The kids had already eaten a bunch of the rolls before dinner even started and then spent a good chunk of the time crawling around under the table as we adults tucked into turkey.  Afterwards they disappeared upstairs for a while only to return shrieking and pasting post-it notes over everything and everyone in reach and one of the boys punched the other in the face.

Aunt C. is becoming acclimated.

Drama, Humor, Silly, Work

Another Tale From The Front Desk

 “You can do a lot if you’re properly trained.”
– Queen Elizabeth II

All police officers and dispatchers are required to complete a certain amount of training hours per year to keep their certification, and it is one of my jobs to keep track of those hours and turn the total into the state every year.  So, as a good little secretary does, every few months or so I pull out all the training information I have on everyone and reconcile the spreadsheet and database we keep them in.  Then I give that info to Lt. Citrus who in turn sends it out to all the officers…

…five minutes after that email goes out, my inbox is flooded with angry missives and my phone lights up with the rabid snarls from officers accusing that I have “forgotten to log their hours,” “obviously didn’t get their many emails,” or passive aggressive suggestions that perhaps I “just misplaced them, dear.” 

After three days of checking, double checking, data entry, and getting yelled at, Small Dog is not inclined to be friendly towards officers who try to blame email for their problems.

I take a certain amount of dark pleasure in showing them my stack of training reports that I collect and my email archives (which I started saving for months for this very purpose) to show that I have logged all the hours they’ve given me, obviously have gotten all of their emails (their emails just don’t mention training hours as much as missing laundry), and have certainly not misplaced anything.  Dear.

It’s all for naught!  Three months from now I’ll go through the whole reconciling process again and then have to reconcile myself to the wrath of the officers!

Fabulous, Family, Humor, Satisfaction, University

Ode to Indy

“Never, never, never give up.”
-Winston Churchill

When I graduated university, my parents flew over from England and managed to work my ceremony in with a lot of other traveling.  Amid the rejoicing (and I’m sure the feeling of, “Praise Jupiter, we’re rid of one!”) we had a small soiree at my godparents’ house to celebrate, and at said celebration I was given a fabulous present: my car.

This was a victory on three counts.  First of all, I had just got my U.S. driver license a couple months earlier.  Second, I had a car!  After four years of coordinating eating schedules with flatmates so we’d run out of food at the same time and have to go to the store together.  Bliss!  And finally because my parents had always sworn blind that the one thing they would never do for their kids is buy them a car.  I was such an impressive child that I bent the laws of parental rule (…or my parents really are that cool.  Probably the latter).

My car is not so new, not so shiny, but she is far prettier in my (biased) eyes than this one.

In any event, Mum and I put our heads together immediately to find an appropriate name for my new chariot.  Being classical studies/ history types, a number of unusal literary names were tried and dismissed as being too “foofey,” outré, inappropriate, or ridiculous to suit my old but perfectly serviceable and rugged little Honda CR-V.  Finally in a burst of inspiration, my eyes stretched wide and I breathed victoriously, “Indy!”
“Yeah!” mom echoed, “Perfect!”

Less of this...

To explain.  It is not, as many assume (and J. continues to imply despite my numerous efforts to stop him), a tribute to Indiana Jones.  No, no.  Rather it is the nickname for the ship HMS Indefatigable from Forrester’s “Hornblower” series.  Both Mum and all of us kids love the A&E mini-series, partly from a nerdy liking of the Napoleonic wars, but mostly (on the girls’s end) from a crush on yummy Ioann Gruffudd. 

...more of this.

Indefatigable, definition: unwearying, unremitting in labor or effort.  Perfect for my car which is a decade old and doesn’t do terribly well on highways, but never lets me down!

Indy has earned her title yet again recently after a series of near-disasters.  Last night I went straight from work to GS’s house.  Or rather that was the plan.  The reality included being stuck in traffic for over an hour, getting hopelessly lost, and ultimately getting rear-ended on an overpass.  Defeated (and still lost for a while) I slunk home.

And though I was in a bit of a strop, what of Indy you ask?  There was not a scratch on her (the guy who ran into me had a crumpled license plate, i noticed.  HAH!), and she made it home with just enough gas.  If I hadn’t just bought her new tires I would have now just for being so impressive!