Tag: Police

Humor, Stupid People October 29, 2009November 3, 2009

Law and Order

“Common sense is not so common.”
-Voltaire

Yes, it is around time for Halloween and (as you may recall) I’m all for costumes…

But coming on to campus dressed in an actual SWAT shirt wearing an actual bullet proof vest packing actual bullets and flares and two airsoft guns which look frighteningly like the real thing…

…Strikes me as a supremely foolish thing to do.

Oh, by the bye, this kid is a doctoral law student. You think they would have covered impersonating a law officer, as well as public disturbance…because a lone man on a campus carrying weapons quite rightly incites fear.* More personally if convicted he could be dismissed from the school and forfeit his credits/degrees.

I think working here has probably made me slightly more attune to the nuances of such choices and their effects…but I still think common sense would keep a person from carrying live ammunition onto a campus where firearms are prohibited.

Although, after the Elk, I suppose the last of the surprise and astonishment should have been knocked out of me.

*Lest we forget the over 50 victims of school shootings in the past two years in the U.S. alone

Humor, Stupid People, University, Weird, Work October 23, 2009October 23, 2009

Facebook: The End of Law Enforcement As We Know It

“Moron…”
-Lt. South

For the record, gentlemen, ladies do not find most of your “awesome” exploits funny in the least. Neither do the police. If you simply must annoyingly display your affection, stick to pulling our pigtails. Because finding an elk, recently deceased due to an unforeseen run in with a car, decapitating it, and leaving the head on a girl’s kitchen table (shades of The Godfather) does not inspire affection. In fact, it’s considered alarming and creepy.

Also, if you decide to engage in this sort of behavior, don’t post pictures of your exploits on Facebook for the police to find.

Moron.

Friends, Humor, Work October 2, 2009November 3, 2009

Here To Help

“Dispatch, from 81.”
“Go ahead, C.”
“Um…just checking to see if we were on the right channel. Er…thanks.”
WOOOOOOP!! (Police Car Siren)
“Hennessy!”
“Sorry!”
“What did you push?!”
“I don’t know!”
-C., Dispatch, and Hennessy

So, Hennessy and I got to play with the radio and sirens again today. As you can see from the above quote, it went over very well.

See, about three weeks ago, Lt. Citrus came to me and told me, “In a couple of weeks I’m going to give you an assignment to get some jackets done up for security at the games. New patches and such, I’ll let you know more about it later.”
And after that? Silence until last friday when he stomped up to my desk and barked, “Have you done anything with that project I gave you? I need those jackets done right now, what have you done?”
“You didn’t give me the go-ahead, or tell me exactly what you needed,” I said, confused.
“Yes I did!” he snapped. “This patch with this logo across the back. Fix it!”

So Hennessy and I drove to (and through!) the stadium to pick up over one hundred jackets, get them sorted out, and today had to go pick them up so they could be used in upcoming football games. With a variety of police equipment technical…incidents…along the way.

I believe the order was for...strapping? (Editor's Note: none of our officers even remotely resemble this guy)

However, we got to use the radio for some fun, which made it all better. Pulling up to the station, I called Dispatch again (in a much more composed manner).
“Dispatch from 81.”
“Go ahead.”
“We’ve got a rather large order here. Can you dispatch some strapping men to us for heavy lifting and slave labor? Over.”
Two minutes later, five or six chuckling officers put in an appearance, a couple of them flexing.

It made my day. Or it could be that I’m getting out early on a friday…yeah…that could be it too…

Humor, Stupid People, Work September 24, 2009November 4, 2009

Typical Thursday, Part II

(Transcript of actual conversation that took place over the phone, ten minutes after we were done with Angry Law Student)

Caller: Hi this is ______, and I have a question for you.
C: How can I help you?
Caller: I’m wondering what it would take to get a parking permit for a horse on campus.
C: …I’m going to need a bit of background info on that question, sir…
Caller: Well, we’re trying to recruit this guy for the swim team and he loves his horses. So I jokingly told him we could get him a parking permit so he could ride his horse to school, and he really seemed interested. So, can I get him a permit or what do I need to do?
C: …Sir, you can’t park a horse anywhere. It’s a living animal.
Caller: Can’t he just tie to a bikerack or something? All we need is the permit.
C: Sir, I can’t issue you a motor vehicle permit for a horse!
Caller: Oh really! I want you to check with your supervisor, right now!
C: Yes, sir.

(Puts caller on hold and calls Lt. Figaro. Meanwhile Hennessy and Officer Lampost are cracking up just hearing my end of the conversation)

C: Figaro, I have a gentleman on the phone who would like to park a horse on campus.
Figaro: I beg your pardon?
C: Just what I said. Please tell me the answer is no, so I can relay the message.
Figaro: Of course it’s no! We don’t have the place for it…who would clean up after it!
C: I’m glad that’s our priority here, but I’ll let him know.

"The 'neighs' have it?" Oh come now, C, you're not going to pull that pun, are you?

C: Sir, I spoke with the lieutenant, and the answer is most definitely no.
Caller: But why not?!
C: Because we don’t have an equestrian program here, which means we don’t have the facilities, equipment, tack, food, or pasturing for it.
Caller: Not even to a bikerack?
C: Tying it to a bikerack for hours at a time in the desert summer or the winter blizzards is not an option, sir.
Caller: But I’ve seen horses on campus before!
C: We bring a single pony onto campus one day a year for a demonstration in equine therapy for the physical therapy students, and you may have seen police on horseback for holiday parades or football games, but that isn’t with our department. We don’t have an equestrian police force.
Caller: So what am I supposed to tell our recruit?
C: I have no idea, sir.
Caller: No horse?
C: Absolutely no horse, sir.
Caller: Humph! Well thanks for nothing.

*click*

Drama, Humor, School, Stupid People, University, Work September 24, 2009November 3, 2009

Typical Thursday, Part I

“Angry people are not always wise.”
-Jane Austen

A law student came into the office today, demanding more parking for graduate students. With the new parking system, still not completely patched and just limping along, lots of students have been taking advantage of the absence of usual oversight by parking wherever they want: handicapped stalls, dean and administrator lots, etc. Which means that when (and if) this new system starts functioning properly, a whole lot of people are in for a nasty surprise. I forsee the university setting up a new scholarship fund out of the proceeds, but I digress.

We apologized for the inconvenience and said it should be corrected in a month, but that did no good. As Lt. Figaro explained the policy regarding each of her complaints, she kept changing her argument and problem until she was eventually asking for us to build new parking, or take parking away from other people to give to graduate students.
“We already have about one parking space per three grad students and special lots for you,” Figaro said, wearily, “as opposed to one in five for the rest of our students.”
“But we need more!”

“Ma’am,” I said, “we have thousands of students currently attending, plus several thousand more faculty, staff, administrative, service personnel, and contractors who come to this school everyday. Plus there is another university in the next city over. This area was never meant to accomodate nearly XXX thousand extra people, city planning hasn’t kept up with it in the past two generations. You’re asking us for space that we cannot give you, because it literally does not exist.”
“But I spent forty-five minutes circling that parking lot to find a space yesterday!”
“Well,” offered Figaro, “did you try parking at the basketball arena or football stadium and walking?”
She gasped in outrage, “All that way?!”

Drama, Fashion, Humor, Work September 15, 2009November 3, 2009

Fabulous

“Oh…WOW…the eyebrows…”
“Nothing about those things are ok…”
-Hildegarde and C.

No, your friendly neighborhood Small Dog hasn’t shuffled off this mortal coil…she only wishes she had.

In my quest for all knowledge about U.S. Law Enforcement, and deep and abiding passion for all things criminal (the first part was sarcastic…the second not as much), I am being subjected to…I mean fortunately able to attend training with Hennessy and Hildegarde. None of us are particularly thrilled because Hildegarde has to be “trained” to use a database she’s been using for years, and Hennessy and I have to go to learn how to use the system to run background checks on people. However, due to some things we learned this morning, Hennessy and I are worried that we aren’t going to legally be able to use this system to run the kind of background checks Chief and Sgt. M want us to. In fact such a use of this system seems to bring snarling FBI agents down like locusts.

However, in spite of my grumblings there are the odd perks of an all-day-three-day training meeting in the city. The first is obviously that I get out of the office for nearly a week, the second is that with travel time tacked on I’m getting all sorts of overtime, third is getting to wear jeans on the clock, and the last is the comedic value of the instructors!

I am not even close to joking. Can you imagine this a bit more Queen-ed up? That's our man!

Metro Marko, as he is apparently named (I overheard a conversation), and his wife are expecting their first kid any second now. However, and I jest not, the first time I clapped eyes on him I could have sworn he was a drag queen. It wasn’t the tightness of the clothes, the painstakingly coiffed hair, or even the facial features (though they are suspect). This man has eyebrows more finely plucked than my own, which lent him a Spock a la Nathan Lane in The Birdcage air.

And in continuing poor fashion choices news, our other instructor has the Jon and Kate + – ⅝ √ Ω ∞ 8 mom haircut. She’s trying to grow it out so she’s managed to make the reverse mullet look even worse. She screams everything, especially her jokes, and says the same thing several times in a row. Much to the class’ amusement!

All in all, the true downside of this class has been discovering that I’m nearly a month late in registering my car. Blast!

Drama, Humor, School, Stupid People, University, Work September 10, 2009November 3, 2009

The American School System Has Failed When…

“These are not spirit fingers. These are spirit fingers!”
-Bring It On (one of them. This franchise seems to be doing the Land Before Time thing…what number are we on now?)

A request for privileged parking came through to Red and the girls at parking (still muddling through a hopelessly ridiculous new system) written thus:
“I am a cheerleader and therefore require parking closer to campus. Shouldn’t I be able to park in [names area reserved for administrators and faculty]? It’s really important for me to be able to get to school easily.”

Diagnosis – left secondary education with tragically skewed self perception, grossly underdeveloped logic faculties, and gravitional-force-altering sense of self importance. Good job tired cliches and cliques.

There’s a whole website devoted to such mayhem, here it is for your viewing pleasure!

Drama, Humor, Life, Work August 20, 2009August 20, 2009

Office Worker: n. resident of Dante’s Ninth Circle of Hell

“Is it just me, or is this whole thing going to Hell in a hand basket?”
“Just wave your magic wand and make it all better.”
“How about a stapler? I have one of those and I think it packs more of a punch when it hits.”
-C. and Officer Lampost

One upon a time, the parking office, which is not controlled by the police department, had a novel idea. “Why don’t we,” they said to one another, “do away with this medieval notion of parking permits that you stick on your window or hang from your mirror and instead invest millions of dollars in a new digital license plate reader system that will simply take a picture of the plate, compare the info to a database, and automatically write tickets!”
“Brilliant!” said University Administration. “But hey, folks, we are in the middle of a recession. Is this a good idea?”
“Sure,” said the Parking Powers, “it will only cost XXX amount of money, require fewer man hours to run, and reduce costs all around.”
“How economical!” exclaimed the University, “Go for it!”

futility Six months later…the Office of IT had not even started writing the program, the bare bones equipment was costing three times more than projected, we had to hire even more people to keep the office running, supervisors were not listening to the traffic and parking clerks when they explained what they needed in the new system, no one had thought that perhaps students/faculty coming to this university might be coming from out of state/country and so the program would need a way to account for that, and days away from the new system going live, the office hadn’t even received a prototype of the program to run.

Ergo, this whole week the entire office has been overrun with techie-types (and everyone of them with the stereotypical thick glasses, receding hairlines, and nasally voices…it’s been weird) scampering about frantically trying to patch a program they didn’t know they had to write, written in a matter of a couple of weeks, and left with enough holes in it that it might legally qualify as a sieve.

Sorry, IT guys, e-card just aren't going to cut it...

The funny bit in this mess is how the IT guys seem to be trying to apologize for their blunders. The office has spent the week overrun with flowers, balloons, sugary treats, and take out meals. I would just like to have been a fly on the wall while they were working this out…
“Crap, guys, we’ve screwed it up royally and now we have an office full of women all barking mad to get this thing online and absolutely furious with us. Brainstorm, quick! Best way to make it up?”
“They’re women! Flowers and chocolate all the way, dude!”

I don’t even work for the parking division, but I would hazard a guess that as much as the girls are enjoying the perks of having a dozen erring husbands groveling for forgiveness…they might prefer the new system working instead.

stupidity_1170973245 — Can you exorcise this stuff? Fingers crossed!

And in continuing office news, after the Rising of the Secretaries (spearheaded by yours truly) and ample warning, I am wheeling out the guillotine! Today all unclaimed lockers and uniforms will be confiscated, gear will be redistributed to kids who are actually working, all paperwork will be filed and discrepancies will be punished. At noon we attack!

Small Dog Syndrome