Tag: Horses

Typical Thursday, Part II

(Transcript of actual conversation that took place over the phone, ten minutes after we were done with Angry Law Student)

Please oh please let me come!
Please oh please let me come!

Caller: Hi this is ______, and I have a question for you.
C: How can I help you?
Caller: I’m wondering what it would take to get a parking permit for a horse on campus.
C: …I’m going to need a bit of background info on that question, sir…
Caller: Well, we’re trying to recruit this guy for the swim team and he loves his horses.  So I jokingly told him we could get him a parking permit so he could ride his horse to school, and he really seemed interested.  So, can I get him a permit or what do I need to do?
C: …Sir, you can’t park a horse anywhere.  It’s a living animal.
Caller: Can’t he just tie to a bikerack or something?  All we need is the permit.
C: Sir, I can’t issue you a motor vehicle permit for a horse!
Caller: Oh really!  I want you to check with your supervisor, right now!
C: Yes, sir.

(Puts caller on hold and calls Lt. Figaro.  Meanwhile Hennessy and Officer Lampost are cracking up just hearing my end of the conversation)

C: Figaro, I have a gentleman on the phone who would like to park a horse on campus.
Figaro: I beg your pardon?
C: Just what I said.  Please tell me the answer is no, so I can relay the message.
Figaro:  Of course it’s no!  We don’t have the place for it…who would clean up after it!
C: I’m glad that’s our priority here, but I’ll let him know.

"The 'neighs' have it?"  Oh come now, C, you're not going to pull that pun, are you?
"The 'neighs' have it?" Oh come now, C, you're not going to pull that pun, are you?

C: Sir, I spoke with the lieutenant, and the answer is most definitely no.
Caller: But why not?!
C: Because we don’t have an equestrian program here, which means we don’t have the facilities, equipment, tack, food, or pasturing for it. 
Caller: Not even to a bikerack?
C: Tying it to a bikerack for hours at a time in the desert summer or the winter blizzards is not an option, sir.
Caller: But I’ve seen horses on campus before!
C: We bring a single pony onto campus one day a year for a demonstration in equine therapy for the physical therapy students, and you may have seen police on horseback for holiday parades or football games, but that isn’t with our department.  We don’t have an equestrian police force. 
Caller: So what am I supposed to tell our recruit?
C: I have no idea, sir.
Caller: No horse?
C: Absolutely no horse, sir.
Caller: Humph!  Well thanks for nothing.


Trojan Horse

“I can always tell which is the front end of a horse, but beyond that, my art is not above ordinary.”
-Mark Twain

A new horror!  I go to the gym everyday and there’s a girl who works the front counter there.  Since we see a lot of each other we’ve struck up a sort of friendship: I tell her the dramatic goings on of a police department, she tells me the ridiculous tales of a gym.  The other day she asked me how far off the wedding was and when I told her, “Next week,” she got a dark look on her face and said, “Stay away from horses.”

The last thing you will ever see!
The last thing you will ever see!

“Why?” I asked intrigued.
“My family keeps horses and I’ve ridden all my life.  So I was out riding a couple of weeks before my wedding and when I was taking off its tack when I was done it kicked me in the head.”
My jaw dropped.
“I was in a coma for three months,” she continued, “and had to do months of physical therapy when I woke up.  We got married after all that, though.”

Completely at a loss for what to say to that (“Crikey?”  “Good on ‘ya?” “Congratulations on being currently upright?”) I just mumbled, “Wow…”   She waved me off to the weight room cheerfully, “I’m sure that won’t happen to you!  See you tomorrow!”