Tag: Humor

Home, Life

Alive (and sort of kicking)

“Catch, then, O catch the transient hour; Improve each moment as it flies.”
– St. Jerome

Alright, piglets!  Recap of the past week and a half and a preview of coming attractions.  Picture Grace Kelly saying it looking slinky and fabulous in some serious 1950’s night gear, believe it or not it ties into recent events:

So as not to offend maiden aunts and pearl clutchers, here’s an alternate image.

I hurt my knee exercising and lazed away on the sofa for days afterward.  Immediately I gained forty-seven pounds (approximately) and since my gym classes are currently on break for the week, I am rediscovering exactly how bad I can be at self-motivation once a habit has been broken.  But you don’t judge me, do you minions?

My in-laws took me out for a birthday lunch last Saturday, which as usual I managed to complicate.  It was at a venue I’d never been to before on an area of road that has recently received a major overhaul and is a bit hard to navigate.  Nevertheless I followed the signs only to find the whole area (consisting of shops, open farms, gardens, museums, and other family friendly dittos), was overrun by a Scottish festival.  The nearest parking was along the road and a half hour’s walk to the main buildings.  I wended my way through many a kilted man wielding a broadsword shouting in horrendous fake-Scotch (mostly quoting Braveheart), only to discover I was in the wrong area and the bistro was actually located a couple of miles away in separate gardens – and, of course, I’d misplaced my mobile the day before.  Luckily a very helpful lady at the information center called up the bistro and I was able to enlist Atticus to come rescue me.  I didn’t live it down for the rest of the day, but frolicking with my nieces and nephews did much to lessen the smart of ridiculousness.

The smart returned when I found my mobile later that day.  In the trunk of my car.

The construction of the highway interfered again when I went to Margot’s bridal shower last night – and it took me over an hour to take what should have been a twenty minute trip.  Also, I was the only one who showed up with a Victoria’s Secret bag – almost everyone else brought kitchen gear – with the exception of Margot’s sister who also brought something silky and scandalous.  Thank goodness!  I don’t mind being a scandalous friend, but for heaven’s sake I had only barely met their mother!

J.’s last final is tomorrow and he’s coming home on Monday!  At which point I will have to relinquish the half of his closet I took over…drat.  On the other hand, I won’t have to do dishes anymore, huzzah!

Margot gets married this Friday, Flyboy gets married over the two weekends after that – two out of state parties in a row.  Note to self, get nails done at some point.

My landlord should be checking out my plumbing today, which would be much more exciting had we not first asked them to look at a few problems back in March.  In the meantime an empty bucket has been living under my bathroom sink to catch the leakage, and my patience is long dead.

There, you’re all caught up.  What have you been doing with yourselves, ducklings?

Humor, Linkstorm, Weekend

Friday Links XX (Stuff and Nonesense)

“Friday: The day after Thursday and before Saturday according to Rebecca Black. Also the most annoying day of the week now.”
― Aaron Peckham

Albeit bored.

Hello.  Nope, not dead.  But honestly, nothing happened this week at.  Nothing at all.  And today, I’m sorry to say, is no different.

Regardless, you’re my minions and I adore you.  I’ll try to get into some scrapes next week, just for you.  Here are your links in the meantime:

SPF is your friend, kittens, wear it.

Is Pintrest really as innovative as some people think?  Or is it just the latest manifestation of human beings’ desire to “consume without purchasing?”  Here’s an interesting post with equally interesting links from the National Trust Collections’ blog.

Too cool!  I had a g’duh moment talking to J. the other day.  There’s a noted Shakespeare festival halfway between us and Flyboy’s wedding so I mentioned maybe stopping off to see a show on the way back.  J. looked at me funny and returned, “Or we could just go to The Globe when we’re back in London next year.”  Sometimes I’m dismayed at myself, kittens.

Yet another product endorsement from C. Small Dog.  This is my new go-to cat eye creating liner for the summer (it stayed on through an hour of kickboxing and zumba each) and my lashes are growing longer.  While I can never hope to achieve Chip’s indecent-for-a-baby-boy flutterers, I’m closer.

Speaking of products, how neat are these destination based fragrances?  Which city sounds best to you?

Here’s an article on perfume bottles and marketing, too.  Lady minions, do you have a signature scent or do you change your fragrances like you change your nail polish?  I’m a Coco Mademoiselle girl myself, but I have one extra scent that Peregrine gave me for my birthday one year that only makes appearances during the hot days of summer.

Yep.

Fascinating documentary on obesity in the US.  I think HBO did a great job to portray the situation from socioeconomic, historical trend, ethnic, industry, and healthcare viewpoints and there’s a lot to learn and think about.

NYT have declared this the year of the fringe/bang (depending on your vernacular).  Weigh in.

Good grief, let’s just all dress in paper bags so no one’s happy!

I found a piece of knapped flint once and an arrowhead…yeah, not as cool…

Sheep of the week, in desperate need of a shearing.

Humor, Husband, Linkstorm, London, Weekend

Friday Links XIX

“For Children: You will need to know the difference between Friday and a fried egg. It’s quite a simple difference, but an important one. Friday comes at the end of the week, whereas a fried egg comes out of a chicken. Like most things, of course, it isn’t quite that simple. The fried egg isn’t properly a fried egg until it’s been put in a frying pan and fried. This is something you wouldn’t do to a Friday, of course, though you might do it on a Friday. You can also fry eggs on a Thursday, if you like, or on a cooker. It’s all rather complicated, but it makes a kind of sense if you think about it for a while.”
– Douglas Adams

Last week was no good, pumpkins, my hormones went all crazy and I ate copious amount of terribly bad for me food.  I’ve been trying to get back on track this week and it hasn’t been any fun.  Food/Exercise morality is hateful.

Salad?!

But then – then!  On Monday J. got a job offer in London!  And if you think I’m complaining about anything for weeks to come, you’re nuts.  Here are your links, kittens!  I’ll be spending the weekend celebrating my birthday (!), checking in on the Queen’s Jubilee, checking out a new exhibit at the Museum of Art (courtesy of the V&A, so you know I have to go), and being a bit lazy.  How about you?

I burst into hysterical giggles checking these out.

Too bizarre.

If you’re celebrating the Jubilee with a G&T and dread a watery cocktail bringing you down, or just want your lemonade to look extra fancy at the next neighborhood barbeque, I think these oversize ice cube trays are nifty!

Very scary and upsetting, not for the faint hearted.  (On a less somber and highly inappropriate note, I’m pretty sure this is how the zombie apocalypse starts…)

Marie’s style is preppy, Kiri’s is French country, Nora’s is pure mid-century American.  My decorating tastes (inherited directly and unadulterated from my mum) are hardwood floors in houses stuffed to the brim with antiques and treasures from world travels, interspersed with trendy art that can be altered to fit the times.  There is probably no place for this in my Someday House.  Which means I may have to undergo a complete style makeover to accommodate it.

I have seen these fabulous riffs on vintage floating around the internet for months and I had no idea a genius company was behind it.  I have presents for the girls covered for years off of this site!  I’m craving this one in particular – because I am pretty sure this phrase has crossed the lips of of myself and everyone I have every considered to be a true friend.

Tumblr of the week: for my fellow expats, travelers, gypsy souls, or generally lost friends.  And for those of you who just love to travel.

Old news, but new to me.  Technology is weird.

I suffer from pasta portion control.  Therefore, this thingy is fantastic.

More kitchen stuff!  I am not prepared to pay the money for these, but the tiny organizer in me thinks these would save a lot of space.

Scary!  Women: know your finances!  I’ll the the first to admit that J. does most of the financial research in our family (he’s an accountant after all), but without trying to sound like an idiot or helpless female, he takes time to explain financial concepts to me if I don’t understand them well.  I also try to educate myself about the economic state of the world, country, and my family.  He may be the financial wizard, but there isn’t a single financial decision made that we don’t talk about and come to an agreement on – from food budgets to student loans.  Lady minions – this is important!

Spring is nearly over, but I think we can all agree that these brings out the country gentry in all of us, right?

Recipe to try (and one of the cuter ex-pat blogs out there).

Here’s your weekly sheep, and good luck to you.

Humor, Law Enforcement, Work

Thursday Philosophy

“Look, you can’t do things like that! Now, I don’t know how I can explain this to you. But, it’s not only against the law, its wrong!”
– Arsenic and Old Lace

Dear World At Large,

Me again!  We haven’t chatted in a while, so I thought I’d do my usual pop in and deliver a few quiet words of advice.   This one’s heavy on both the philosophy and the rambling, but going to be a firm talking to nonetheless.

Some things cannot be undone. Most things, in fact.

We live in a world of autocorrect, delete buttons, editing, photoshop, spellcheck, you name it, all of which exist to give a comforting sense that errors and perceived mistakes or flaws can be done away with.  I know these are all technological examples and heavy on social media, but I think that anyone who believes these don’t inform our personal, unofficial philosophies is terribly self unaware.  We live in a society that seems to believe that things we don’t like can be made to go away – whether that’s removing something you once posted on Facebook, or deleting a text message – but I am here to tell you that this is a false sense of security.

Mistakes follow you, Dear World At Large, and even if you have gone through a legal, religious/spiritual/philosophical, or paperwork laden process to atone, make restitution, or accept punishment for your actions, this is not the same thing as unmaking them.  They cannot be unmade.  Stupid mistakes can – and will – follow you around for a long time.

So, as a recent example, if you’re a visiting university staff member responsible for a number of students and you make a series of poor decisions culminating in the arrest of you and several of those students, putting your job in jeopardy – this is not something that’s going to just vanish because you want it to.  Particularly after you’ve already appeared before a judge and plead guilty.  Yelling at your friend neighborhood secretary, demanding to speak various administrative officers, and trying to pressure people to make your arrest, court appearance, and sentencing all vanish will not work.  First of all, we can’t make such records and events disappear (at least not without some sort of political clout and obscene amounts of money, and even then a fairly obvious hole still gets left in the legal system).  Second of all, and probably more importantly, we won’t make them disappear.  See the quote at the beginning of this post.

The same is true for much less serious errors, Dear World At Large, but even small things can affect your ability to get a job, a date, housing, loans, recommendations, and even friends.  As for social media, everything you have ever said, done, linked to, or ranted about is cached away somewhere in the dark bowels of the internet.  On a more human note, unkind words you’ve spoken, silly errors in judgement, and countless day to day interactions are also stored away in the collective memory of your friends and associates.  Nothing is really lost.

Which is why you have to be so careful!  I’m not saying there isn’t room for mistakes in life (because good luck with that!) but I am saying that people need to step back and reflect more often on whether or not their actions are wise ones.  It won’t protect you from everything, but occasionally it may protect you from yourself.

Unless you ascribe to reincarnation, we don’t get do-overs.  We get do-betters.  These can be wonderful in and of themselves, much of the good in the world has come from them, but they are not always nice experiences.  You are responsible for all your actions; you can’t disavow them, you can’t be made immune from them, and there is no “Undo” button.  Be smart out there.

Yours with love (sincerely this time),
C.

Humor, Office, Secretary, Work

Are You There, God? It’s Me, C.

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”
― Albert Einstein

Minions?  Are you still reeling from that happiness bomb that J. dropped on us collectively?  Is your soul still singing with glee?  Are visions of crumpets and home dancing in your heads?  No…just me?   Well, thrills happen but ridiculousness is eternal.  I’ll update you on plans soon, but in the meantime, here’s a cheap laugh at my expense.

In my current fog (plus the fact that I’m a bit thrown off since I worked yesterday on the holiday and my coworkers and I are running on different mental timelines), I answered the phone today to a perky voice declaring, “Hi, I’m Jane Smith, calling from The Universe.”

I’m horrifyingly embarrassed to tell you this tale, but my brain didn’t compute this one very quickly
“The Universe.”  I repeated stupidly.
“Yes, I think I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for a while now.”
“Ah.”  Praise Odin my backup generators didn’t fail me.  “How can I help you?”
“Well we’re working on something big right now, and we’d like some police involvement.”
“Of course.”
“Could I set up a meeting with Lt. Citrus for next week for a brief interview?”

In the area there are multiple newspapers, some of them with laughably grandiose names: The World, The All The News That’s Fit to Print Times Gazette Post, and…The Universe.  I was not, in fact having an existential crisis.  I’m still beating my head on my desk at how long it took my brain to catch up to that.  Wonky holidays and happiness, kitten, make a potent combination!

I’m not proud of this one…
Humor, Linkstorm, Weekend

Friday Links XVIII (Minimal Effort)

“I want to start a band called “Friday Have Been Cancelled” and then hold open auditions every Friday. The sign will read, “Auditions For Friday Have Been Cancelled.” I sure hope nobody shows up because I certainly won’t be there.”
― Jarod Kintz

Today I have a wedding reception, I’ve been (surprisingly!) busy on a project all day, and had to run several errands for work.  And for some reason, I’ve been ridiculous all week and refused to go to bed a reasonable hour so I’m running on mostly sugar and hyperactivity right now.  But I’m way too tired to come up with something clever.  Here are your links, minions, “and therefore, frolic.”

Ladies of the past, being impressive.

I’m not sure what to think of this practice in Hong Kong.

The psychology and physiology behind yawning – it’s more complicated than you think.

Just in time for the Queen’s Jubilee (and who am I kidding, that party’s been going on for a while now), the Royal Archives have finished digitizing Queen Victoria’s journals and made them available.  She was a surprisingly good doodler.

Speaking of Good Queen Bess, here she is demonstrating the color wheel.  Nien sprechen sie Deutsch?  Enjoy anyway, Betty’s fabulous.

Finally answered: to conquer world!

Someday I will crank out a novel, and at that time I solemnly swear I will not be one of these writers.  Literary agents must have great stories, I should befriend one (for totally humorous and not at all selfish reasons, of course),

One of my assignments for Flyboy’s upcoming wedding was to find a quality barber shop so he could get a real gentleman’s shave.  And for some reason, I’m now mildly obsessed with the them, it’s an instant boost of class.  I think J. should check out this joint in London and report back.

This shop contains many items that might be prohibitively expensive, but still make me drool a bit.  The real gems are in the Apothecary and This N’ That sections.

J.?  I want one.  Not immediately, not today, but I want one to save and make pretty someday.  It will cost a fortune, but I want one.

The weekly sheep.

Humor

I’ve Arrived

“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
~ Dudley Moore

Shame and an odd sense of adulthood are warring within me, kittens.  Yesterday I received my first speeding ticket.  10 years ticket free and my perfect record now ruined, but now I feel like a normal driver.

The cop was quite nice, I told him I simply hadn’t been paying proper attention and he reduced it.  I also got the impression he was glad I didn’t burst into tears or hysterics.

Honesty is the best policy, ducklings.  You’d be surprised at how refreshing it is for some lines of work!

Family, Friends, Humor, Husband

In Other News

“I even made him eat healthy food.  Mostly.”
“Bless you.”
– Peregrine, C.

I was lazy all weekend, and I regret nothing.  Long phone calls with some of my the girls (although Scarlett still owes me one), biking, Thai food – bliss.

In the meantime, while I was being a loungey housecat, Peregrine took a long vacation to the UK to visit some friends in Oxford and frolic in her former home of Scotland.  Naturally she crashed on J.’s couch in London from and to the airport, which meant I got to Skype with two of my favorite people at the same time.  My brain nearly shorted out from glee.

My only quibble is that I was not there too!  This will be rectified in July.
Humor, Linkstorm, Weekend

Friday Links XVII

“It’s 4:58 on Friday afternoon. Do you know where your margarita is?”
― Amy Neftzger

Oh, PBS, talk dirty to me…

Friday is again upon us, minions, and praise Jupiter for it because this week has dragged at work!  Most of the staff seems to have taken at least two days off (lucky jerks) and whole hours go by without so much as phone call.  But that’s alright because this weekend I’m working on finalizing wedding travel plans for Flyboy’s nuptials, going to yoga, cleaning my flat (of which it is in dire need…), and I’m also planning a couple of marathon phone calls with the girls and J.  Sunday looks like a good day to ride Harley and read some books before settling in with a bowl of kettlecorn, switching off my phone, and devouring the last episode of Sherlock.

In a similar vein, tonight (wild hedonistic thing that I am) I’m planning on working out, doing laundry, and pretending I’m at the Met with Scarlett by watching an Opera on PBS.  Heck, I might even get some takeaway!  That’s just how I roll, ducklings.  What are your weekend plans?  Tell me in the comments, and enjoy the links!

Funny tumblr of the week, for all you nerds out there.  And let’s be honest, kittens, to paraphrase Lewis Caroll, we’re all nerds here!

How common is your birthday?  Do the math backwards and apparently we discover the winter holiday season is the time babies happen.  ‘Tis the season?

I have…opinions about this commercial.  Clever?  Perhaps.  But…  What do you guys thing?

These…pants?…offend me.  Minions found wearing them will be sacked.

SoupAddict (whose blog I love and stalk) just posted some lovely pictures of her blooming garden.  Mum and Dad apparently put in a garden at home recently too and are already enjoying the fruits (pun!) thereof.  I have a black thumb, although I’ve managed to keep my bamboo alive for years now, so a full garden is out for me.  But for my Someday House, I have a vision of growing herbs outside of my kitchen.  I think I could manage that.

Alright, I’m going to come out and say it: people like this make me despair at the human race.  I’m not sure when notoriety became the only thing worth seeking, when talent was eclipsed by self-branding, and idiots became so admired, but it needs to stop.  History shows that this is not a new phenomenon, but I contend it’s never been so bad in all of recorded human experience.

On a happier note, this kid is utterly adorable.

On the other hand: yes, you can.  I have met one, and I say that without the barest hint of sarcasm or hyperbole.  Scary, uncomfortable, and very sad.

It’s rainy today (for the first time in months, blasted American West) but for the past while it’s been sunny and hot.  Summer is here, and that means product testing time!  I’ve discovered a whole host of things that have made life easier.  This amazing product from Kielhs  currently tops the list.  I tried it because apparently Certain-Dri does not work forever (hi, chemical burns on my underarms!) and normal antiperspirants/ deodorants don’t work at all.  Summer is not kind to your friendly neighborhood Small Dog, she is a creature built for cooler climes, but such things help.

Sheep, even the weekly ones, are jerks.  One charged my little sister when we were hiking Hadrian’s Wall on holiday and it caused a bit of consternation at the time, though it makes for a good story now.