Category: Friends

Friends, Wedding February 20, 2009February 20, 2009

Somebody’s Poisoned the Waterhole!

“I wish guys got some sort of engagement ring. Here I’ve got this thing that says, ‘BACK OFF,’ and what’s he got? His integrity? Fah.”
-C.

Something’s in the water, that’s the only excuse. We have four, possibly five I’m not sure, upcoming marriages in my office alone and my fingers are crossed for Hennessy and her man (no he should not buy a big screen TV, he should buy her something much smaller and shinier).

Best of all, my friend Kays is engaged to her boy, congrats! Never thought that my roommate from freshman year and I would be sporting rocks at the same time, but it’s pretty fun. I think she’s either exceptionally brave or recently sustained a devastating amount of brain damage because her big day is in mid-May and she’s got a little over two and a half months to throw things together. Her family is all nearby so she’ll have plenty of help (which may or may not be a good thing, families in this area being a particularly “frenzied about weddings” breed and all very opinionated) and she’s going to be a beautiful bride. I’m so excited for her, even if I think she’s adorably nuts.

Caring too much about ridiculous stuff can produce the above effect. Avoid! No one wants to marry Bridezilla.

There is a dangerous side to well meaning friends I’ve discovered. Daae, who took over Hennessy’s position when she moved up, used to work for a wedding planner and occasionally asks about my wedding plans when she walks by my desk. And when I shrug helplessly she gets this big grin and starts giving me ideas. Dangerous, interesting, attractive ideas where previously I was happily apathetic. Ignorance is bliss. Besides, with so many other engaged people around me, no one’s going to want to talk about mywedding plans and the more I’d think about it the crazier my ideas would get and with no one to bounce them off of I’d go quietly mad. I’ll let my friends have the psychotic freakouts and just keep a supply of ice cream in the freezer at all times.

Friends, Humor, Work February 6, 2009November 3, 2009

Cheese With That Whine?

“Do you just hate happy people today or something?”
“Yes.”
“Well, knock it off.”
“This? Coming from you?”
“Exactly. Consider the source. If I’m saying it, you may have crossed a threshold.”
-C. and Marie

A few lessons gleaned from this week, a few frustrations, and a few observations:

For all you would-be moguls out there, may I offer a humble tip towards being a good boss: Listen to your secretaries. They are the people who are responsible for keeping your megalomaniac ambitions logged, organized, and proceeding according to schedule. Lt. Citrus and Lt. Figaro both laid a project each on me this week without warning, which while it more than quadrupled my workload wasn’t too bad. The instructions, on the other hand, were maddening.

Quoth Lt. Figaro, “So, I’d like you to update this directory of every employee in the department. We haven’t done it in three years or so and it’s entirely obsolete. Theeson was the last person to update it” [Theeson was replaced by Tink who was replaced by Wise who was replaced by me, just for a time frame reference] ” but no one else ever really used it except me, and since she quit I’ve done without it, but I’ve decided I’d like a new copy.”

I tried to tell him that 1) we were hiring and firing half a dozen people within the week so the list would be obsolete by Friday anyway and 2) that I kept an up-to-date roster on the department server already complete with names, call numbers, and personal and professional contact information. “Well, just make it for me then if no one else will use it,” he smiled and went back to his office. I tried not to cry and mentally cut back my lunch hour.

Lt. Citrus’ project was validly important to the university, but the instructions he gave me to do it all came in the wrong order, with outdated software, and logically confusing interjections of last minute ideas, corrections, or modifications. And since it involved the creating, labeling, stuffing, packaging and mailing of literally 100 packets, by the end of the second day I had papercut my fingertips to shreds.

It’s been a long, hard week and I’m intensely glad it’s Friday. And I want Tink back desperately, work without a good friend to grumble about assignments to is drudgery.

Friends, Humor, Shopping January 26, 2009January 26, 2009

Confessions

“I am ashamed of confessing I have nothing to confess.”
-Fanny Burney

If only that quote were true, unfortunately I need some serious absolution. Read on for a list of grievances:

1- I shouldn’t have, but I did! Amazon.com was having a sale of international DVDs, I was weak. On the upside I finally own Amelie and the Gerard Depardieu version of Cyrano de Bergerac. I wanted to get Paradise Now but I couldn’t bring myself to spend even more…a laudable decisions I immediately flouted by finding some of my favorite books on sale as well.

1a- Addendum to the above: obviously I didn’t have enough books already so I went to Barnes and Noble’s website and found them selling my absolute favorite novel (which is out of print and I lent out my copy a year ago to S. Bear. She lost it. I nearly wept.) so what was I supposed to do but order a new copy? Kays, let no one judge you. Ever.

2- The carnage didn’t stop there. Venice and I hit the mall where I found a red pencil skirt (Hello! Absolutely necessary to my happiness, right?) a couple shirts and a cardigan.

3- I also went food shopping which isn’t bad of itself, but according to the Core Performance workout/nutrition thingy J. and I are doing, one of my favorite things (triple cream French cheese in any form) is verboten. Mark Verstegen, I defy you! In fact, I’m snacking on some at work right now, take that.

Caption — Some people have strong feelings about this holiday...

4- I have never dated anyone during the drama-fest known as Valentine’s Day (alternatively called Single Awareness Day, Suicide Day, Loneliness Inc. Day, Best Day Ever, or Bribe Someone for Affection Day depending on one’s worldview. I find I don’t fall into any of these categories) so I’m at a bit of a loss. I usually got rid of boyfriends in time to avoid the hassle. I don’t do pink and shiny, the only stuffed animal in my life is my comrade-in-arms-since-birth Teddy, and I’m an absolute snob when it comes to chocolate (the by-product of living in Belgium and England). What does one get one’s boyfriend of almost a year for the holiday?

5- and finally, speaking of drama, I am once again addicted to Grey’s Anatomy. I really thought I had kicked this one…nope…

Friends January 20, 2009January 21, 2009

Rise and Scowl

“How are you feeling?”
“Like a military academy, bits of me keep on passing out.”
-The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

I, to grossly understate it, am not a morning person. I like to think I’m usually slyly sharp with a Katherine Hepburn-esque wit and sarcasm, but when I’m cranky I’m flat out vicious.

I'd support a movement to have the day start at 10am

Actually I don’t mind mornings as such, I just hate getting up. Or rather, being woken up before I’m good and ready to do so myself. During freshman year, Jenni and I had a friend who for some reason disdained to eat the cafeteria food graciously bestowed upon us (that was uttered with said biting sarcasm, by the way) and usually cooked her own breakfast. Also inexplicably, although more reasonably so, Jenni had what amounted to a fully stocked kitchen under her dorm room bed complete with mixing bowls, blender, and assorted spices. Our friend Sunny would raid this horde everyday to make herself breakfast, which I had no objection to. But at 6:00 in the morning, which I did.

Sunny is a naturally loud person at normal times but at that ungodly hour of the morning…let’s just say I found it a particular trial. After about a week of trying to swallow my frustration and try go back to sleep after pots had been clanged and crockery clattered, I couldn’t take it. Unfortunately the very next morning Sunny spaced and not only showed up earlier than usual, but accidentally flipped on the lights (at 5:30 in the bloody morning!) when she tiptoed into our dorm room and made such a ruckus under Jenni’s bedthat I erupted.
“Morning, C.,” she chirruped brightly, “Want some breakfast? I’m…um…uh…”
“Sunny?” I murmured darkly.
“Yeah?”
“Get. Out.”
She didn’t enter our dorm room again without my permission, daylight or not, for the rest of the school year. Apparently I bare an uncanny resemblance to a Fury at 5:30 in the morning.

exercise My latest bone to pick with mornings is my workout schedule. J. and I have started working out together, but on weight lifting days the only time we can seem to manage is early mornings, other times are just too crowded at the gym. Today was the first attempt at the new time. I HATE it. There were about three other girls, all with their respective boyfriends like me, who had to navigate the rows of testosterone soaked equipment with our dinky little 5 and 10 lbs weights while these Hulk-wannabes hefted my entire body weight in each arm for arm curls. Every once and a while some guy let out a roar that sounded suspiciously like he was giving birth, and most spent an inordinate amount of time checking themselves out in the mirrors. If I hadn’t been so cranky/clueless I’d have thought it was hilarious. Unfortunately nothing is funny that early, not even to me.

I’m sticking with it, hating something and giving it up aren’t necessarily mutually inclusive, but I have spent the day encased in emotional ice and venom. With aching muscles. Watch out, I bite.

Friends December 9, 2008December 9, 2008

Needles or Natural?

“It’s a completely natural, wonderful experience.”
(Eyebrow rises) “Really. Because my brother snapped my mother’s pelvis in half, and nothing about that experience sounds natural to me.”
– Red and C.

Tink has brought forth a firstborn son! Pardon the blasphemous pun, but it is Christmas. Seriously, though, Maybe Driver has shed the “maybe” and is now just Driver, the name apparently fit the face so his proud parents didn’t have to change it.

Did I mention that I'm very grateful to live in the modern age?

On a related note, Tink was apparently made to have babies! She wasn’t ill her entire pregnancy, never had bad skin or water retention (unless you count having to pee every five minutes), and her stomach was so small that even in the ninth month I could have sworn she was either lying about her time or that her foetus was bear hugging her spine to avoid notice. I got a text from her at 9pm on Saturday night announcing the blessed event had kicked off, and he was born at 1am Sunday morning after only four pushes. Vile. Simply vile. Also extremely unfair.

High five, Tink! You’re pretty much amazing!

Friends, Work December 3, 2008December 4, 2008

Dynamic Duo

“Figaro? It’s us. So, we’re trying to start the car. And we can’t.”
“Is this the blonde or the brunette?”
“Um, both?”
“Which one’s behind the wheel?”
“The brunette.”
“Sigh…”
-Tink and Lt. Figaro

Snippet of a phone conversation that actually took place when Tink and I had to go pick up uniforms from the laundry. Tink (the blonde) was riding shotgun since Maybe Driver, still swimming somewhere above her pelvis, gets in the way of her using a steering wheel. We’re both smart and resourceful…why was starting a car escaping us?

Turns out that this particular piece of equipment only turns on when the steering wheel is at a particular angle, after you’ve done the required dance through the cabalistic circle to conjure the car gods. No one told us! By the time we got back this had made it’s way through the office.

I had my revenge. Being 4’11” I have to move the seat as far up and forward as it will go (or else have an Indiana Jones moment and strap bricks to my shoes). Lt. Figaro, who is well over a hundred pounds heavier and more than a foot taller than me, called me moments after he left for the gym with an indignant growl of, “I am surrounded by tiny women! Took me ten minutes to fix my seat and mirrors!” Nyah nyah!

Friends, Home, Life December 2, 2008December 2, 2008

‘Tis the Season!

“So, I need a present for J.’s parents, one that hopefully says “Hi-thanks-for-tolerating-me-and-being-so-nice-when-I-occasionally-show-up-and-also-tactfully-disregarding-the-fact-that-I-make-out-with-your-son-on-a-fairly-regular-basis.” I went with assorted nuts and candy, what do you think?”
-C. in a dithering panic to TenFour

I loved spending Thanksgiving at my godparents house, Fairy is without doubt the best godmother in existence, but right now all of the rest, relaxation, and general zen-ness of my holiday is gone. As Fairy ran errands, mostly with me in tow, a powerful sense of urgency began creeping up and before I could stop it, it pounced. Holiday Hyperactivity.

Having trouble finding the perfect gift? — I'm ridiculously on top of things this year. Santa had better be watching!

Growing up my mother sort of fell into a vortex right around Halloween and didn’t resurface until Three Kings’ Day, panting with exhaustion. I never really understood why as a kid. Halloween = candy, Thanksgiving = pie, and Christmas = candy canes. ‘Nuff said. But as I got older and started to see how much work goes into putting the holidays together, I started to appreciate her work. And then I got involved and now I too start to quiver in excitement when it’s time to bake and brew and decorate. So much for my mother’s feminist example, we practically turn into elves come December 1. This year marks a milestone in that I mapped out what I wanted to get everyone, where to get it, and a timetable to get stuff in, taking into account paychecks, plane tickets to London, and sale dates. I’m disgusted with myself. But this is the first year that I actually have this sort of money and I love being able to do it.

Some people look adorable while plotting. I am not one of them! (Editor's note: Small Dog is in no way affiliated with a Grinchy attitude towards Christmas!)

Getting presents is weird for me, I don’t usually like it, but I love giving them. Venice and I already exchanged presents because we have to be two of the most impatient people on the planet. I’ve bought my godfamily’s prezzies, half of my siblings’, and a couple of friends. I bought J.’s parents their present too, harmless holiday treats. I didn’t want to get them something stupid and worthless that they’d probably hate but be required to keep until J. wises up and kicks me to the curb, so I went with something edible. But ironically I have no idea what to get my mother, my sister Peregrine, or J.. Arguably three of the most important people in my life. Thank goodness for the Ghost of Christmas Shopping Guidance that allowed for a few sparks of genius in finding Tink’s, Marie’s, and Kays’!

I think Venice and I should throw a holiday party, but there’s less than three weeks to throw something like that together. Plus I have to get shopping done. Then I’m probably going to want to cook some goodies since I won’t get home until Christmas Eve and will need sugar to propel me through the next three weeks. Good grief, do I even have wrapping paper?!

Vortex, ho!

Friends, Home November 20, 2008November 20, 2008

Ms. Sam Goes to Washington

“Thank gosh I get you back! I was worried that the new girl was going to be obnoxious or a creeper!”
“Well, I can be obnoxious and a creeper sometimes…”
“(Pause) Yeah, but in an adorable, happy sort of way.”
-C. and Belle

It’s the passing of an era: Samantha is moving back to Washington, leaving me to wonder who on earth I would have to share a bathroom with. Don’t get me wrong, my other flatmates are fine, but there is a deep spiritual bond between two women who share sink-space and the daily morning ritual of Putting on the Ritz. I was extremely lucky to stay in my flat after graduation as I didn’t have the money for a down payment somewhere else and an opening popped up last minute. Kiri abandoned me for Lace (the treacherous, ungrateful wretch! …gosh I miss them…) and moved across town and Belle moved back home for a while so I was thrilled to get Samantha as a flatmate.

But life, being a tricksy business, happens and Samantha is leaving me too to go home and work. My consolation prize is that Belle returns. She’s baaaack! In all her huge hair, hyper, effervescent glory. I’m just thrilled to live with someone I know and like, although I do worry about our bathroom because that girl has more bottles, accessories, perfume, and hair product (there might or might not be a mini ozone-hole following her around wherever she goes…) than anyone else I know.

This (makes sweeping motion to encompass face) doesn't just happen. Especially not with Belle. My bathroom will suffer.

I also wonder how she’ll mesh with Bunny and Violet, the other girls. They are quiet, semi-mean, sarcastic girls (I know, I know. Pot meet Kettle) and not much inclined towards…well, anything really. Least of all happiness. Cynical and dry I may be, but at least I have a sense of humor. I was talking to Violet about the flatmate switch and she said she didn’t know what to think of the newbie.
“Belle’s great,” I promised, “most girls like her annoy me, but she’s one of those people that no matter what your first impression is you can’t help but like. Know the type?”
Violet gave me a look. “No.”

I suppressed a shrug and went for a run after checking my phone one last time to see if any of my elusive interviewees for my latest article have decided to surface. I work for a university too, you know, I know how busy it can (not) be.

Friends, Life, Work November 6, 2008May 18, 2012

While You Were Glued to CNN (yeah, yeah, we were too…)

So, as you may have noticed, life goes on despite politics. This past week has been pretty eventful; Halloween happened, which means that the Christmas decorations, indifferent to the calendar, decency, and the existence of another holiday ‘twixt now and then, have exploded into view. The temperature has plummeted, people are plotting Christmas presents, and with the approaching holidays life gets exponentially weirder. Don’t ask me to explain this phenomenon, I can’t.

“(gasp) Christian Bale!”
“(gasp)…Batman…?”
-Angel and Margot upon seeing our delectable waiter

Every once in a while I’ll stumble into something truly fabulous by glorious accident. This week’s find was thanks to my friend Margot, indispensable to my happiness since Angel first introduced us. She suggested we meet for drinks at the trendy new restaurant and lounge that recently opened in our little college town’s “downtown,” Spark. A-mazing. It’s a little taste of Manhattan or L.A. for anyone trying to up the level of chic and trendy in their lives. Chef Viet Pham has created foods that aren’t just fun to eat, they’re fun to look at too! Don’t believe me? Try the cream of hazelnut soup made from slow-cooked apples,cinnamon tapioca pearls, hazelnut brittle, or another ice cream desert inspired by breakfast.

Much needed class and sass! We met up for late drinks and dove into their beverage menu with gusto. If I may offer a humble recommendation, try the Peartini: sugar and cinnamon crusted rim, and a pear “olive” in the glass. Happiness comes in liquid form, my friends! And yes, there is a Christian Bale look-alike waiter if the food isn’t blissful enough.

“Is this too awkward for our friendship?”
“Friends are for pinning on bunny tails, m’dear.”
-Tink and C.

Yes, Halloween! Our office decked out for the holiday with Civil War soldiers, pirate wenches, and others. Two personal favorites were TL who dressed all in pink and put a large “Hello my name is FLOYD” badge on her chest, and Tink (eight months pregnant) came as a knocked up bunny. I said she served as a warning to those wanting a career as Playboy Bunnies. You know, hazards of the job.

Also went to the obligatory Halloween party, lending out my Marie Antoinette Dress to my best friend Venice in favor of teaming up with J. to go as Bond and a Bond Girl. Venice takes the cake for her hairstyle, better believe she stuffed plastic bags up in that thing to get it to 18th century heights! We put enough hairspray in that thing to count as cement, it’s a miracle she ever got it out.

Shaken, not stirred. I was going for Vesper Lynd...not sure what I ended up with... — Shaken, not stirred. I was going for Vesper Lynd…not sure what I ended up with…

“I need some new uniform pants.”
“Did you lose yours?”
“No…one of my co-workers stole them…”
“Stole them.”
“Well, I lent them to her and then she vanished and no one knows what happened, and–”
“You need new pants. Got it. No questions asked.”
-Student Library Security Guard and C.

Working with police means that you deal with more weirdness daily per capita than most other jobs, but even so there are instances of the bizarre that leaves one scratching one’s head. Such as the above quoted incident. Also, we had a near death experience today.

Well, not really.

Okay, so no one was even hurt, but they could have been!

The facts were these…at 2:42 p.m. Officer Post leaped from his desk, gestured wildly at the door, and ran out giggling madly. Turns out that incompetent grounds people charged with the removal of problematic trees outside our office applied both physics and common sense poorly and managed to drop the thing right in front of our door. Narrowly avoiding glass, but still crushing twisting the metal railing. And you should see the people we get to arrest!

Friends January 4, 2008January 4, 2008

Grow a pair?

Sometimes, I can’t help but feel it would be far more relaxing to be a man in some ways. Men aren’t required to keep up inter-personal relationships, the duties of birthday reminders, holiday gifts, scheduling time with friends, and so forth, seem to fall to their wives, mothers, sisters, and secretaries. But us girls are required to drop everything and come running whenever someone hooks up, breaks up, moves in, moves out, get promoted, gets fired, or has some sort of scandalous adventure. And we are also required to be completely and utterly enthralled by each separate event: laugh, squeal, boo, condole, and bitch as necessary and with genuine enthusiasm. Let me tell you, if you have interesting friends as I am lucky enough to, you had better have one seriously big energy reserve!

Tonight, I have been called in on girlfriend duty! Belle has a new man in her life. Well, not so much as new as a recurring character who fades in and out. I haven’t even met the boy and I want to like him, but he said something to her which makes me question his manhood a bit. He and Belle have done this thing for a while where they flirt shamelessly through email, texting, and phone tag, but whenever it came to actually hanging out he would back out at the last minute. Belle (who gets props for sheer balls) actually called him on it.
“So, want to hang out sometime this week?” he asked. About the tenth time or so he’s said that particular phrase.
“Sure,” Belle says, “but I know it will never happen.”
“Huh?”
“NorCal, we always make plans and you always ditch. It’s never going to happen.”
–Moment of silence–
“Sorry I’ve been such a flake, the truth is you intimidated me.”

And presto! Instant date! By all accounts it went spectacularly well, hence the need for a late night girl session, wink wink.

Here’s the thing with me, though: I no longer buy into the whole “he’s just intimidated of her” mentality. I mean, I do think it exists and is pretty common, but I think the concept gets milked for far more than it’s worth. It’s almost become a Get Out of Jail Free card in relationships. If a man acts up or behaves badly towards a girl, all he has to say was that he was scared of or intimidated by her and suddenly his behavior, though perhaps not smiled upon, is at least justified.
– Go on a few dates, spend a lot of time with a guy for a month or so, suddenly he disapeares, never to be heard from again. Your girlfriends (called in for the round table council) all declare, “You’re too fabulous, he was just intimidated by you.” Which is no doubt the truth (because you ARE too fabulous, you minx) but in the end, it doesn’t make the guy any less of a prick.
– Guy says he loves spending time with you, but that he finds you too intimidating. This has two possible conclusions 1) he’s a pansy and you’re better off without, or 2) things just aren’t working out but he’s too coward to say so. Either way, there is a definite case of spinelessness here.

The list goes on and on, any sort of faux pas a guy can make has probably been justified by the “Intimidation Excuse” at some point, but I seriously think it’s an overused and overrated one.

There, rant over. But the way Belle’s eyes are sparkling, Norcal will probably be around for a while. Which means lots of late nights and mocktails. Yes, MOCKtails. And if you saw how wild we get on sugar, you’d understand why we must never, ever touch alcohol!

Small Dog Syndrome