Tag: Humor

Friday Links XXVIII

“I think we should change the amount of time in each day. Sunday thru Friday should be reduced from 24 hours down to ten minutes, and Saturday would become a 167-hour day. That way, when people ask me what I did all week I could truthfully respond, “I slept all week. But I got a hell of a lot done on Saturday.”
― Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They’re Over

Anticlimactic as it turned out.

Apart from Monday when a shrieking, disturbed man was running straight at me and I had a (surprisingly matter-of-fact), “Great, this is how I die,” moment, this week hasn’t been terribly exciting but for one fact: my family is in town!  I haven’t seen them since Christmas of last year so it’s quite a treat.  Last night J. and I took them to our favorite barbeque joint and then hung out at our place for a couple of hours.  Today they’re going for a hike in the mountains (while I bring home bacon, or whatever) and we’re going to a show this evening.  Tomorrow we’ve got a picnic and dinner at my godparents house.  Needless to say, I’m anxious for the work week to be over.  Here are your links, well beloved minions.  What will you darlings be up to this weekend?

Text speak: not as new as you’d think.

Homeless and abused to artist.  I’m not talking about a person.

The illusion is shattered.

So is a treasured part of my childhood.

Minions!  You are all required to make yourself a signature polish at once!

A six year old who knows her Greek mythology and takes stabs at the plots of great novels based on covers?  Clearly she and Stormaggedon are going to be friends.

Olympics, still happening.  Here’s a great moment from its history.

I am not a girl who squeals at spiders, I am a girl who rolls her eyes at her shrieking roommates, catches spiders, and releases them outside.  I caught snakes in the backyard and out at my family’s land routinely.  I loathe cockroaches but they do not produce fear in me so much as… murderous psychopathy.  But I don’t think I could eat this without at least a few moments hesitation.

No fear of heights either but more than a couple of these would make me dizzy.

Can I just say it?  Ryan Lochte does nothing for me.  Apparently he’s the second coming of Adonis to some, but I don’t get it.  Not least because whenever he opens his mouth (or his Twitter account) he seems less and less…shall we say, articulate?

As our summer blockbusters wind down and the Very Serious Films that could contend for Oscars begin to show up on the radar, here’s Vulture’s list of the 100 Most Valuable Stars, just in case you were wondering.

Take that, poachers!

Honestly, doesn’t that thing go in a safe deposit box or something?  How do you misplace one!

Memory, All Alone In the Moonlight…

“Every man’s memory is his private literature.”
~Aldous Huxley

Yesterday was a weird day in the office.  Months will go by without incident and then, suddenly, after a series of unfortunate events, a person runs out the doors screaming and hotly pursued by various officers.  It happens.

After the fireworks show yesterday, everyone who watched it go down was asked to submit a witness statement and as I composed mine, I was a bit disconcerted to realize that piecing together events in their proper order (not an hour after they originally happened) was difficult!  I spent nearly a full minute trying to remember if I called someone on the phone or went back to their office to talk to them in person.  I had a great general view of what had happened and could probably tell several good stories from it, but when it came to putting down just the facts, in strict chronological order, every possible detail that I could remember included – I struggled.

An acquaintance told me a story along the same lines a couple weekends ago, about how one of her cousins bore a hatred for a another cousin from childhood.  Cousin number three flat out refused to have anything to do with cousin number two until confronted about it one day in their late teens or early twenties when an explanation was demanded.  Cousin three said that she hated cousin two because when they were very small, two had locked three in a closet.  After a moment of stunned silence, cousin two exploded, “My sister locked both of us in the closet, you idiot!  I was trapped in there with you!”

A near twenty year hatred based on a false memory.  Three remembered the terror of being locked in the dark, and remembered that two had been there, but time (and possible trauma, I suppose) had warped her from co-victim to perpetrator.

The process of trying to tell a story and struggling so much with it had got me thinking: what exactly is floating around in my head that’s either or gross misrepresentation or a flat out lie?

My family, though close and pretty impressive, have had our share of issues to muddle through, several of which hit their peak during my early childhood.  As a result I carried a lot of bad memories into adolescence (where everything is hormonally magnified anyway), but as an adult and in a healthier place personally, my grip on those bad memories has lessened and my good ones are more evenly mixed in.  I’m not sure if this is the result of reality reasserting itself, or if the hard times don’t define me so much anymore and thus are less critical to my sense of self and so have been shoved onto a back burner somewhere.  Maybe both.

Or maybe I just don’t remember things very well.  I honestly don’t think of my childhood too much, unless someone brings up the topic and even then I find I’m embarrassed at how little I can recall.  I have to concentrate hard to pull up things I haven’t thought of in years, and even favorite memories are surprisingly full of holes.  This bodes not well for my twilight years, darlings…

In any case, I now have a renewed respect for my officer coworkers who have to pour through untold numbers of these usually sloppy, often badly spelled, and (as I can now probably personally vouch) less than reliable witness statements.  People’s memory banks are messy places to work!

Friday Links XXVII

“Friday: The day after Thursday and before Saturday according to Rebecca Black. Also the most annoying day of the week now.”
― Aaron Peckham, Urban Dictionary: Fularious Street Slang Defined

Our Summer of London is drawing to a close, kittens.  “Why, C.,” I hear you exclaim, “’tis but the the first days of August!  Surely summer is not over yet, why would you say so?”  Because stores around here are putting up Halloween decor, that’s bloody why.  If I see anything for Christmas up before Labor Day, I solemnly vow to give the shop owner thereof a sharp reprimand.

Me, come Sunday evening.

Anyway, it’s been another slowish week but here are your links, only a few today.  Our weekend will be spent feverishly cleaning as my parents and two siblings are coming into town soon and all attempts at grown up-ery must be made.  No one’s fooled, but at least the kitchen counters will be gleaming.  Pity J., minions, a world of stressed out crazy is about to be unleashed on him.

To all expectant mothers ready to pop, or women who have yet to spawn (to various friends and relations’ annoyance), I give you this glorious site.  Mind the URL.

Could you go years without buying anything new?

Such an interesting project!  Hat tip to Lauren from Little Farmhouse in the Big City.

Perspective.  An uncomfortable one.

A desperate need of perspective.

What Should We Call Me goes to France, darlings, et j’adore!

The Olympics continue, spoilers notwithstanding.  Given your height/weight, what event would you most likely compete in, compared to other athletes?  Apparently, I’m a weightlifter (5’1”, 120 lbs, who knew?).

My godmother tells a story that always convulses me.  Driving around the city one day with one of her children when they were young, the youngster pointed out of the window and declared, “Look, mommy, a princess!”  Fairy looked an beheld not a Disney impersonator but a man in full drag.  “That’s not a princess, honey, that’s a queen,” she answered.  I’ve only had one friend who participated in drag, but I still think it’s interesting how wigs, makeup, and constricting garments can turn turn someone into another persona entirely.  To that end, here are some intriguing portraits.

Treasure; A Philosphy

“There’s all the difference in the world between treasure and money.”
– Roderick Townley, The Great Good Thing

My favorite of the concepts my family raised us with is the idea of treasure.  I used it in a post title the other day cavalierly and only later realized that how unique and loaded a word it is to me.  The initial definition would be almost identical to a dictionary’s, if I’m honest, but there’s a rich history behind that word’s use in my family.

I don’t know exactly how or when this word entered clan lexicon in the capacity we use it, but to our tribe it has a very specific yet not easily explained translation.  It’s complicated because to us, treasure can be anything you value.  Anything at all.  Often it’s associated with travel or adventure, something picked up in an exotic locale, but it can just as easily be something bland that still manages to inspire the bearer to see the extraordinary.

Throughout my childhood the term applied equally to a dried seahorse purchased on a Venetian canal, a handful of pretty pebbles, the wooden dinosaur skeleton models my father would purchase and then assemble with me after returning from long trips, a Turkish wedding belt woven from goat fur that (as I recall, which to be fair could be a totally warped memory) was given to me by a shop owner in Turkey for no reason at all, a particularly straight stick (useful for walking, poking, and play fighting in the backyard), a piece of partially knapped flint discarded by some ancient people and found by me in a dried up riverbed hunting on a Texas ranch that belonged to a friend of my dad’s, the small sweater my mother made for my teddy bear when her fur began rubbing off from too much love, some coins that became obsolete when the Euro was adopted, and so on. Treasure was everywhere growing up.

There were and are some rules.  It can’t be kitsch, or stuff for stuff’s sake – it has to be meaningful and important for more than just taking up shelf space.  A little statuette of Michelangelo’s David sold in a tourist trap in Italy is memorabilia; a reproduction of Botticelli’s Birth of Venus bought from a slightly seedy looking street salesman literally off of a dusty Florentine cobblestone way is treasure.

It doesn’t have to be impulse, you can have an idea of what you’re looking for when you go on the hunt.  When I went to Milan for the first time I knew I wanted to get a pair of shoes.  Since it’s one of the great fashion capitals, it seemed appropriate.  I still have them years later, and I also have a pair of flats I got in Paris as well.  There’s nothing like walking around in something you bought on the Champs-Élysée when you’re having a bad day.

Treasure doesn’t have to be for you.  Some of my most valued finds are things that I had no intention of keeping for myself.  There is something unimaginably thrilling about finding the perfect gift for something, looking at an obscure object and knowing another person so well that you can see what its value would be in their eyes.  I sent my high school mentor, a Middle Ages buff, a medieval coin found in a small English shop.  I recently discovered a pullover for a friend that will make the most hilarious Christmas present – more I cannot say, she may be reading!  Treasure is not so selfish as to be exclusive to oneself.

Freshman year of university when my family was living in Belgium, I returned to school with boxes of hand crafted and personally selected chocolates for my friends from some of Brussels’ finest chocolatiers.  One of my friends was from Hershey, Pennsylvania and gave me a giant Hershey Kiss in exchange.  On this recent trip to London I found a small booth in Borough Market selling small bottles of truffle oil so I paid   £7 for a small bit of extra deliciousness the next time I feel like impressing someone in the kitchen.  I also came back with several boxes of Twinings tea (unattainable where we live), and a chic blazer.  Treasure doesn’t have to be permanent.

My ideas of treasure have evolved somewhat since my secret box (originally a gift from Morocco from my father and treasure itself) hid the things I valued away – key from the grandfather I’ve barely known my whole life, a bookmark given to me by my mother, a cheap necklace.  Now my tastes run more like my parents and I look for things that remind me of places I’ve been or memories I want to protect.  We’re not and have never really been a picture taking family, we collect our memories in stories instead and hang the reminders of our adventures on walls.  Prints, Balinese baskets artfully arranged, wooden screens from the Orient used as wall decor, bowls purchased in the Levant, a couple of items inherited from ancestors.

But writing this and thinking back, I think I’ve figured out why the concept of treasure was (and continues to be) so important to me.  My parents love interesting things and they’ve passed the love of them on to the four of us.  Our house is crammed to bursting with the Asian antiques my mother gathers that remind her of her childhood in Japan, the rugs my father collected on his many trips to the Middle East, the more colorful the better (there’s a Tibetan prayer rug that’s over a century old that graces our floor and always leaves me half Indian Jones “It belongs in a museum!” baffled, and half shamefully proud that we walk over it everyday).  And I think because things have value to them, not in the vulgar way possessions do to some people, they recognized and shared the value we kids found in much less impressive things.

There is wisdom, and I think greatness, in parents who will look at an excited child’s fistful of rocks and breathe a solemn pronouncement that they are worth just as much as the carpet that used to make up a wall in a Kazakh’s tent.  My mother’s exclamations over bird feathers then are just as excited as ones over antique shop finds now, and my father still smiles the same smile that crinkles his eyes only slightly more these days when one of us opens our hands at him to show our latest token and he says in a slow and important voice, “Ah!  Treasure!”

The value of value is, ultimately I think, one of the most important lessons they’ve taught me.

Friday Links XXVI: Olympics Editions (sort of)

“Go where we may, rest where we will,
Eternal London haunts us still.”
― Thomas Moore

I never got around to telling you about our last two days in London, kittens, partly because one of those days was spent cleaning the house J. lived in and the other (which was a fantastic morning at the Portobello Road Market) I failed utterly to take pictures of.  Between the vintage shops, the paper goods, and the ancient Roman and Egyptian antiquities, I did a lot of fantasy shopping in my head.  J. indulged me with a swing by a favorite bookshop, before we hopped on some buses (certain tube stations being closed for maintenance) and rode around the city for a while.  We had one last swing through Covent Garden to check out the markets and street performers, indulge in J. in a pair of Paul Smith shoes to replace two pairs that took a beating this winter, and grab me a truly fantastic blazer from Zara (I love sale season in Europe!).

The Olympics kick off officially today, so I can at least catch a few glimpses of London skyline here and there on the telly.  In the meantime, here are your links, minions and let me know what fun things you’re doing for the weekend.

Tumblr find of the week: remember those “choose your own adventure” novels?  Well, it wasn’t inevitable that you’d always make wise decisions.

Made any mistakes lately?  I have.  Nothing major, but I tend to beat myself up over them just the same – but it could always be worse.

Oh good grief.  Can’t we all just agree you’ve gone mainstream and violated your own ideals already?

What?  You’re in the Louvre too?!

The real Olympics are kicking off today and I’m missing London so here’s a bit of Brit love for your home.  A phone, a mat, something a bit more personal.

Also, the real Olympics aren’t always glamorous.

And as for Brit labels, we’ve been dropping some serious coin on J. these days, getting his work wardrobe finished up and making sure he’s ready to look the part of a City man.  So, it’s absolutely my turn, right, minions?

Creepy, Victorians.  Just creepy.

It really does take a village.  It shocks me how quickly people forget (or fail to actually learn) that they are usually the product of a lot of other people’s goodwill, success, or work.

Clean energy technology development: pretty nifty!

The weekly sheep returns in smug, cute glory.

Treasure: Silly Old Bear

“When you see someone putting on his Big Boots, you can be pretty sure that an Adventure is going to happen.”
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

J. and I have been married for three years now and according to an increasing number of people, we’re supposed to start having kids.  Preferably we’re supposed to already have one and  be ready to pop out another.

This casual attitude towards our personal choices, from a few close friends and relations but mostly perfect strangers, gives me more angst and headaches than I can successfully convey, but that’s another post entirely.  Needless to say, it gets me riled up.  These talks, whether instigated by friends, family, or total strangers, leave me feeling very misunderstood, very talked-down-to, and very angry.  J.’s aware of this and luckily he and I are on the same page when it come to the timing of such things.

So you can imagine the heights reached by my left eyebrow when glancing through all the treasure to be found in Cecil Court, J. suddenly froze, pointed to a shop’s (Marchpane) displayed wares and declared, “We need that for Stormageddon’s room.”

Stormaggedon being the nickname we use when discussing our future child.*

“Did I miss a very critical conversation?” I demanded.
“Look,” he insisted excitedly.
I looked, and beheld some original, hand colored prints from the 1926 first edition of Winnie-the-Pooh.

This tale only makes sense if you understand that J. loves Winnie-the-Pooh.  It was his favorite character as a child, his favorite movies, you name it.  My six foot, broad shouldered, grown man, all-American husband loves Pooh.  And here were original prints from £15 a piece.

We bought three.

Stormageddon may be years off yet, but he is going to have a fabulous nursery when he shows up.  Courtesy of his father.

*Fellow Whovians know whyAnd how he’ll look at the world.

London Gems: Cecil Court

“Thank God!  Cecil Court remains Cecil Court…”
– Graham Greene

Literally just around the corner from the Leicester Square tube station is a short street connecting St. Martin’s Lane and Charing Cross Road that’s devoid of traffic and lined on either side with shops that haven’t had a facelift in over a hundred years.  This is Cecil Court and it’s a print lover’s paradise.

Banknotes, antique books, maps, prints from books and magazines, movie and theatre posters, and even a couple of specialty collectors’ shops for models or antiques.  You can find massive Early Modern folios or tiny penny post stamps and all well priced.

The shops themselves, while mostly Victorian in the front, have been around for several centuries.  One owner talked with us a bit about her space – apparently Mozart lived (and had his hair cut) in it as a boy while lodging with a barber who sold tickets for the young prodigy’s concerts out of his shop.  The Foyles brothers had their first book shop here before moving to their current and most recent location in the early 20th century.  T.S. Elliot lived in a flat above the shops in the Court at one point, and William Hogarth’s mother died in one of them as well.

J. originally caught sight of the Court while wandering around and knew that I’d love it, and so insisted we visit when I was in town.  Naturally enough we went back a couple of times looking for treasure,  especially antique maps because I love them and plan on having a wall in our someday house decorated with one from every place we have lived.  Maybe another one with every place we visit.  We didn’t find any that we loved in our price range, but we did come away with treasure, which I’ll tell you about tomorrow.

If you want a small slice of London intelligentsia, unique history, that’s crammed to bursting with interesting things, and a quiet place to rest from the bustle of Leicester Square, stop by Cecil Court.  There are plenty of places to eat around it, it’s incredibly easy to get to, and you may just come away with something priceless.

Cecil Court in a cloud burst. I had a minor heart attack thinking of all those magnificent paper wares in the wet, but clearly the shop keepers are savvy about their work because anything on display outside is wrapped in plastic and perfectly safe. Whew!

* Photo mine.

London Gems: Jermyn Street

“I saw someone peeing in Jermyn Street the other day.  I thought, is this the end of civilization as we know it?  Or is it simply someone peeing in Jermyn Street?”
– Alan Bennett

Halfway between Piccadilly Circus and Green Park tube stations runs a fascinating road.  Jermyn Street is traditionally known as for its mens’ shops, specializing in tailoring, outfitting, and grooming London gentlemen for a couple hundred years now, as well as Britain’s oldest cheese shop, and Beretta, gunmakers since the 16th century.  But I’m in a girly mood, kittens, so I’m going to tell you a couple of my girliest indulgence to be found along this London road.

Fortnum and Mason started as an upscale Enlightenment grocery store and went on supplying basic home goods and luxuries to the present day.  Queen Victoria ordered food from it, it supplied troops during the Napoleonic wars, and claims the honor of being the first place in Britain to stock canned beans.  Today its ground floor stocks gourmet teas, coffees, biscuits, liquors, candies, and other taste sensations, all of which make excellent presents (I bought some unusual jams for the girls) for decent prices.  The upper floors, though are the real treats, stocking everything from nice kitchenware and home goods, china and hampers, ladies cosmetics, children’s’ traditional toys, and a truly fantastic men’s shop – which may have given J. some fearful ideas for future birthdays and anniversaries.  The Piccadilly store also has a lovely tea shop that is a great place to go for a treat, as well as four other restaurants to feed you at any time of day.

Floris is a perfumery that has been at this address since the 18th century.  Mary Shelley, Beau Brummell,Winston Churchill, and James Bond (the fictional character, he wore No 89) have all been customers and the shop preserves a lot of old fashioned shopping customs.  For example, it used to be considered vulgar to hand money to customers so to this day if you get change, a shop attendant will pass it to you on a velvet pad.  This place is, understandably, more expensive but worth it if you want a lovely present, or just want to treat yourself.  Many of their concoctions are centuries old, I bought my little sister her birthday present here, a fragrance originally crafted for Queen Victoria on the occasion of her marriage, and was re-released this year in honor of Elizabeth II’s jubilee.  There’s also a men’s fragrance originally developed for a Russian count that’s still sold today!  If you’re really up to dropping some cash, you can have a custom scent created for you – which, I’m not going to lie, I’d love to do some day.

So, if you’re in the mood for a touch of high end shopping, check out Jermyn Street, kittens.

London’s Hidden Gems: Cheese

“Cheese – milk’s leap towards immortality.”
– Clifton Paul Fadiman

One of the places I showed J. was Neal’s Yard in Covent Garden, a hidden street only a short walk from his usual stomping ground but that he’d never heard of.  London is stuffed with places like this, it’s probably why I love it so much.  Neal’s Yard used to be just an old, unused area behind some buildings on Neal Street and Monmouth Street.  In the 1970’s Nicholas Saunders opened a series of businesses that soon attracted other shops and venues.  Today you can find homeopathic snuggled up alongside major brands, boutiques and pop up shops, and tons of character in every last one of them.

Walking into the yard proper is fun because the brick walls and windows are all painted bright colors, there are quirky shops specializing in everything from astrology to frozen yogurt, and you get the idea that you’ve walked into a big, confetti colored secret.  J. took a look around and declared, “You lead me into wardrobes,” which may be one of the cutest compliments ever uttered, as far as I’m concerned.

The point of our visit was that I wanted to glance through the Neal’s Yard Dairy, one of the best cheese shops in London and one of the places that has such a fun ambiance that you want to kidnap tourists from the normal places they’re herded into and show them an off-the-beaten-path good time.

Again, like most shops, it’s tiny but crammed to the brim with good stuff.  There are massive rounds of cheese stored along every wall, and a staff eager to slice off samples of their wares.

J. and I tried a few samples for the fun of it.  If ever you have sinus problems, let me recommend the Stinking Bishop – it’s about as potent as wasabi!

Each cheese is labeled by name, and more uniquely, the farm it was made at.  No processed stuff here, if you please!  This is an artisan’s shop, stocked by independent and family farms from all over Europe.  We got half a round of Tunworth, a Hampshire soft cheese which is (a staff member informed me) often referred to as an English Camembert.  It is delicious with gala apples.

It’s a fun treat place if you’re throwing a party and need a cheese platter, if you’re in the mood to experiment with gourmet grilled cheese sandwiches, or if you just want to snag something to treat yourself with an alternate to sugar.

Neal’s Yard, minions.  Check it out.

*All photos mine.

Never Take History Seriously

“Why, ” said the Dodo, “the best way to explain it is to do it.”
– Lewis Carroll

I have a deep love of British museum placards, they often go for funny.  Once, in the North, my family went to a museum about Roman Britain along Hadrian’s Wall.  There was a skull on showcase there that once belonged to a Celt who had been decapitated by the Roman garrison.  The placard read something to the effect “remains of one of the revolting northern tribes.”  To this day I haven’t figured out if that was meant to be a political or personal description.