Humor, Work May 14, 2009May 14, 2009

Come With Me If You Want To Live

“I’d be very well advised to have you revoked.”
“Revoked?”
“Yeah. K-I-L-L-E-D. Revoked.”
-Douglas Adams

I wish I could be this terrifying. I suspect I would find it useful.

One of my office duties is the hiring and firing of all our students employees (of which there are legion) and all the requisite paperwork that goes along with it, a process that is casually referred to as “termination.” I hate the word “termination,” it makes me feel as though, rather than firing these kids, I’ve quietly disposed of them for having outlived their usefulness to the department (side note, my official title is Criminal Secretary, which I always thought made me sound like Don Corleone’s personal assistant so maybe terminating people is fitting, but I digress). No matter how you slice it, whenever I’m given a packet and told to terminate someone I feel like a bad person.

Another problem I have with “terminating” people are the supervisors who tell me whom to terminate in the first place. Probably my biggest beefs with the sergeants over campus, library, and museum security is the fact that none of them are able to get that paperwork to me on time. We’re not talking a day or two late, here, I’m talking months and/or years! In the last two days I’ve processed the paperwork for about a dozen individuals who’ve graduated, transferred, moved, flunked out, or whatever in 2007 and no one informed our department! My inbox couldn’t even support the total paper weight! I don’t suppose I can quietly dispose of my superiors, now can I? “Hasta la vista, baby!”

Humor, Snark, Work May 13, 2009

Stupid People In Large Groups

“To summarize the summary of the summary, people are a problem.”
-Douglas Adams

Kiri used to have this up as her desktop background. I used to think it was funny. I now consider it a sad truth.

I have again been smacked in the head with the realization that while in terms of skill and efficiency I am constantly getting better at my job, I may not be mentally cut out for it for one very important reason: I dislike silly, annoying, bad-decision-making people. But what sort of people do you think we deal with at a police station, especially one on a university campus?! Pranksters anxious to go down in campus legend, freshman drunk on the feeling of being away from home for the first time, crazy drivers, anxious students, stalkers, druggies, thieves, and occasionally the seriously out of touch. And I mean seriously dangerously out of touch. Basically, the sort of people that make me go quietly mad and bang my head the wall of futility that encompasses the entire human race (especially on a friday afternoon). Dealing with these characters day in and day out is exhausting, even my hyperactive personality can’t sustain the level of intense vexation these individuals deserve!

Occasionally, though, when I’ve had a very trying day and that French Bakery is looking even more tempting than usual, there are moments of delight. I got home from the gym the other night, absolutely dreading some of the stuff I had to do that evening, only to find J. doing the dishes and wiping down the kitchen. He then helped me put together invitations for almost all of his friends before sending me to bed early. Pure Bliss.

Home, Humor, Shopping May 12, 2009May 12, 2009

Home Sweet Home

“Location, location, location!”
-William Dillard

Why My Flat is Such a Find:
1) I am a mere four blocks away from the mall with all its many, many stores filled with shoes just panting to be bought and worn.
2) I am also a mere four blocks from the most tempting bakery owned and operated by an adorable French couple who make the world’s best (aka, worst for you) food. It’s a physical challenge not to buy pain au chocolate for my breakfast every day, I drive by with fingers clutched desperately around the steering wheel every morning.
3) I live two doors down from my best friend with whom adventures to some of the above locations provide the majority of my happiness.

Why My Flat is in a Dangerous, Dangerous Spot:
1) I am a mere four blocks away from the mall with all its many, many stores filled with shoes just panting to be bought and worn.
2) I am also a mere four blocks from the most tempting bakery owned and operated by an adorable French couple who make the world’s best (aka, worst for you) food. It’s a physical challenge not to buy pain au chocolate for my breakfast every day, I drive by with fingers clutched desperately around the steering wheel every morning.
3) I live two doors down from my best friend with whom adventures to some of the above locations provide the majority of my happiness.

Clearly an example of a mind-mangling irony!

Humor, Shameful, Work May 5, 2009May 5, 2009

Get A Grip…

“‘You could always try relaxing.’
Relaxing! She was way too hyper!”
-Marian Keyes

Long ago I discovered that I work best when I frame my life projects and goals as battles to be won (yes, I am Napolean reincarnated). Thus my life is tiny parade of tiny crusades that I participate in valiantly and no one really cares about but me. Case in point: blackheads. Hate ’em! Loathe em! I have a mission, nay, a calling to eradicate those nasty little buggers and a whole arsenal at my disposal including cleansers, extractors, a new toy – Clean ‘n Clear Blackhead Eraser – recommended by Venice and seconded by me, and Biore Pore Strips, aka God’s Gift to Noses. Want to seriously gross yourself out? Slap one of those babies on and see how much gunk it pulls out of your face!

Of course, this mentality has side effects. Since I’m in a state of perpetual warfare with blackheads I often make the mistake of thinking other people are too. So when I see people merrily prancing through their lives, seemingly indifferent to the noxious body waste pooling in their pores, I just want to attack them with salic acid. The crusader aiming a sword stroke at the Turk and demanding, “Convert, heathen!” while they stare back in confused disdain, “What exactly is your problem?”

Occasionally my battles are of a more productive variety. I’ve written several times of my Battle of the Bulge, even though I’ll be the first to admit that since buying a dress the ferocity of my attacks have put a serious dent in enemy flanks (plus my own flanks, I might add smugly). I’ve also campaigned against landlords, laundry piles of epic proportions, work projects, more recently wedding planning, mountains during hiking trips, treadmills, and shoes that think I won’t be able to break them in (HA!).

I am aware that this is a rather exhausting way to live life. For example, the university does this health reward program which gives participants $25 per lifestyle even they chose to participate in. This month it’s a goal to walk a certain amount every day. Not a problem, I though originally, I can easily meet that quota during my gym time. But then I looked online today…and some guy (with an unfortunately chosen Lord of the Rings nickname, I think he’s trying to be one of the characters) had already logged ten times what I had. Just counting at the gym, was I?! I THINK NOT! I dashed over to the university health center and got myself one of their sad, cheap little pedometers and have been annoying people with it’s rattling sound ever since! Competitive? Me?

Friends, Humor, Wedding, Working Out May 4, 2009

T-Minus Two Months

“Whenever a woman asks me ‘What’s the best way to lose weight?’ I tell her, ‘Get engaged.'”
-David Zinczenko

Nothing like a form hugging (breath constricting) gown to make a girl commit!

Yes, folks, my caloric intake is down and my amount of time at the gym is up. My sleep is heavy and my morning yogurt is “light.” My waistline is in and my muscles are out (in a sleek, feminine sort of way). Barring any mental breakdown and the metric ton of brownies that I would medically require to get over it, roll on July 1!

In other wedding news, Catriona helped me get started on invitations and announcements last saturday, so my stress level in that department has bottomed out, bless her! We threw on Some Like it Hot, I addressed (my handwriting is still awful) and she stuffed envelopes and stamped. With the list much shorter now, life seems so much more bearable.

And in weddings other than my own, good grief! It seems like I get an invitation to a reception, shower, or hen night every day! J. and I went to Marie’s sister’s reception last week, his best friend is getting married this weekend, Kays is getting married the weekend after that, and I get a brief reprive the week after that (unless you count my final dress fitting-which will hopefully be angst free as long as those brownies aren’t required!).

Friends, Humor, Wedding April 29, 2009April 29, 2009

Dude, Where’s My Pants?

“We’re going for the law of probability here: if we take enough pictures then one of them has to turn out!”
(Later)
“Good grief! If he’s not looking stoned then I’m looking like a gargoyle!”
-C

So, after being engaged for months and getting married in just two, J. and I finally took engagement pictures to send out with our announcements. What a migraine! First I had to figure out what to wear (a war in and of itself). This required a mad dash through the mall, trying on and discarding a number of dresses, falling in love with a fabulous white linen one, dropping way too much on it, getting it home, lovingly pulling it out the next day to admire it and being seized by a horrible rush of, “I’ll look like a Stepford Wife!” before finally being calmed down by well meaning friends.

Then we actually took the pictures. After a day of perfect weather, by the time we got to our shooting site there were threatening clouds, of course, and an atmosphere of dust that had blown in from the desert. Didn’t matter, we manned up and smiled bravely while Kays (darling and patient girl that she was) clicked merrily away, delighting mostly in the pictures in which we looked particularly ghoulish. Kays and I then decamped to her house for selection and editing (J. went to Five Guys with the boys. Men).

After everything, the editing was the adventure. By 11:30 pm Kays and I were giggling hysterically as we scrolled through indiscernible blobs, improbable facial contortions, and the occasional good shot (I can count the photos of myself that I’ve liked over the years on one hand, I think I must look very different in my head than I do in real life… ). She, being the photoshop whiz that she is, tweaked a few things like brightening colors, and fixing my hair when I had a fit of narcissistic angst.

Then, just when we were about to pack up for the night, something caught my eye. We’d just spent half an hour on this one picture but something…something was wrong. What was it? My hair was flowing and my hips were at an angle that didn’t make them look huge, J. was annoyingly handsome and smiling, the colors were vibrant…WAIT A SECOND! I looked closer at J.’s trousers and nearly choked. Somehow, by trying to make the colors richer, we had turned his trousers into a gaping pants-shaped black hole! You couldn’t see any pockets, pleats, belt, or anything, it was just a black splotch where light went to die. AND we hadn’t saved the version of the photo we had worked on to fix everything else. We stared in dismay at the screen at the pre-edited photo and the creepy post-production, until I blurted in almost-midnight-and-exhausted panic, “Can’t we just crop in the trousers from the original picture?”
“I’m not sure if I can…” but Kays tried.

Eh voila! The Black Hole is no more, you can’t even tell that it was cropped. Of course we still have to make a final decision and for all I know we won’t even choose that one…but midnight drama with an old friend is worth it! Plus, if we decide today, I can order the prints and get started on announcements finally!

Humor, Shopping, Wedding April 27, 2009

Topping It Off

“Do NOT cut with something sharp!!”
-Label on veil box… (C. puts down knife a little shakily)

368-july-13-19-2008-decisions-decisions The wedding is now just 2 months off and not only is my stress level starting to rise, I’m also acquiring a small pile of rather fabulous stuff in the back corner of my closet! I’ve got the jewelry I’m planning on wearing, lingerie (courtesy of some bad influence friends), my amazing shoes, and my veil just arrived today. The veil was a major hangup (of all the things to stress about…I’m embarrassed for me), I went back and forth between a veil, a headband with side detailing, a headband with an extra small veil, flowers, brooches, nothing…FINALLY I found something I liked (that wasn’t fantastically out of my price range!) and ordered it. It’s a very petite birdcage style veil, very chic and haute couture without even coming close to breaking the bank. My mother once told me she raised me on champagne tastes with a soda pop budget, she was right. Unfortunately for her, this long-suffering woman has had to listen to me agonize over what I was putting on top of my head for weeks now, so I bet she’s as glad to have the issue resolved as I am!

Books, Humor, Shopping April 23, 2009

Addict Takes Another Hit

“What did you find?”
“Treasure!”
-Aims and C.

In addition to other things, it’s also Graduation Week here on campus. Having done the cap and gown thing last August, you’d think this wouldn’t mean much for me. Au contraire. It also means that the university bookstore is having a sale and that it’s payday tomorrow. A rather lethal combination! I spent my entire lunch break wandering around the store looking for deals and even managed to show remarkable restraint. My arms were full of nearly a dozen books at one point that I was covetously hording but I managed to get a grip and narrow it down to a very sensible three. The Histories by Herodotus, because even though I worship at the shrine of the Father of History, I’ve been content to read this gem in my mother’s classical library on visits home. No more! In the same vein I got a copy (finally) of Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales. The last one I don’t like to admit but I will, Little Women. It was my go-to-feel-good-book when I was younger so I grabbed it for old times sake (and it was less expensive than either the Writings of John Donne or the T.S. Elliot anthology I wanted). All for under $20!

I’m honestly trying really hard to read more modern literature and expand my interests, but I keep going back to older classics. I think I just have to accept my status as a book nerd.

Life April 22, 2009April 22, 2009

Thanks Savitri!

“No way!”
-C

harp_1_lg Thank goodness Savitri and I read the same blogs otherwise I’d never have known that I won a giveaway contest! My prize? A harp performance to be given at any event I’d like! My wedding gets classier all the time (entirely by luck)!

Drama, Humor, Satisfaction April 21, 2009

Ode to the Huddled Masses

“What is that ungodly smell?”
“Fear!”
-Get Smart

This appeared above the door for my Classical Literature final freshamn year. — This appeared above the door for my Classical Literature final freshman year. Priceless.

I can always tell when finals week hits this campus: the odor of doom and futility gets a little more pungent, the faces get more harried, and it is impossible to navigate one’s way through the library as it is swarmed with knuckle-gnawing freshman. However, from the glorious vantage point of one who does not have to suffer through exams, papers, and finals projects, I’ve discovered that the nom de usage of this time of the term I and other used as students (“Hell Week”) isn’t really appropriate. If we were to be accurate, I think it would be Freak Week.

Cruel perhaps, but still apt. For example, Hennessy and I were walking down a corridor yesterday on an assignment, when we came suddenly upon a man carrying a pot of rice down the hallway. No explanation, just clutching it and looking worried. The theatre and dance people are scrambling around with drag queen worthy layers of makeup on their faces and their arms full of costumes (when they aren’t actually wearing them). Also, basic hygiene has become optional for many: I have seen (and smelled) a number of the unwashed masses as they scramble past and sleep in hallways.

This comes from nothing resembling a high horse. My alarm clock broke the day of my first final of freshman year, luckily I woke up anyway and made record time sprinting from my dorm to my test. Then once I misread a French exam schedule and showed up on the wrong day. And of course I had the computer crash right in the middle of a stellar ten page paper on medieval philosophy. I also had my share of forgone showers and undone makeup (and temporary eating disorders stemming from actually forgetting to eat for days on end, and the inability to let go of my pens following an exam from severe cramp, and…)

All in all, Hell Week/Freak Week/Whatever You Want To Call It looks much better from the outside!

Small Dog Syndrome