Category: Stupid People

Know-Nothing. Party.

C.’s Quick Translation for Online Oppinuendo on Health Care

You liberal/conservative idiot! :   I respectfully disagree with you.

Don’t you have a brain?! :   I respectfully disagree with you.

The Republicans/Democrats are out of touch with the American people!  Down with them!  Drag them into the streets! :   Rep-R/Rep-D voted against my personal opinion! 

Obama is the Antichrist! :  I’m conservative.

Obama is brave to take this problem on! :   I’m liberal.

Stop making asinine comments! :   I have weighed and measured such information as I have found, and I now find myself on the other side of the aisle from you.

You socialist nazi! :   I respectfully disagree with you.

You conservative nazi! :   I respectfully disagree with you.

This is a choice between good and evil! :   This is a choice between political ideologies, about which I feel very strongly.

It’s unconstitutional! :   It personally offends my sensibilities.

I can’t even begin to tackle your logical fallacies! :   I refuse to attempt to see things from your liberal/conservative point of view and prefer to argue.

As a future doctor I don’t want to have the government dictate the terms of my work (requirements, treatment standards, paycheck, etc.) to me! :   I much prefer to dictate the terms of my work  (requirements, treatment standards, paycheck, etc.) to my patients myself.

Go ****/$$$$/@@@@/%%%%  yourself! :   I’m afraid we just can’t see eye to eye on this. 

The End Times are coming! :   I am seriously displeased with the turn of events.

I’m moving to Canada! : I am not actually moving to Canada despite ranting to the contrary for some time. 


There, now you find yourself able to navigate the intricacies of Facebook, comment threads, and forum mudslinging.  Take a few calm breaths to recharge and think of some withering profanities, and when you feel ready, charge back into the fray.  Discussion doesn’t seem to be the name of the day, so feel free to bandy tired clichés back and forth, quote the pundits/talking heads in lieu of actual original thought, and mistake insults/gloating for a solution.  Carry on!

Because I Got High

“A cigarette is a pipe with a fire at one end, and a fool at the other.”
– Unknown

And in continuing odd phone call news…

“Hello, I have a problem.  I’m a landlady for a condo rented by students and some of them are reporting that one of them has a…hoooo-cah…?  I think that has something to do with drugs and I don’t know what to do.  I called the university’s housing department and they refered me to the city police, but they said they couldn’t help me.”
“Did they tell you why, ma’am?”
“Well, my tenants said he was smoking tobacco and the police said that that’s all right!”
“Er, yes, ma’am.  If they are violating your landlord/tenant agreement though, as long as you uphold your end of it in the time you give him to remove himself from your property, you will be able to evict him.”
“But the university forbids drugs!”
“Yes, ma’am, but tobacco is legal as long as you are of age.  The university does have certain behavioral requirements of all its’ attendees but that is not the same thing as someone breaking a state or federal law.  The university may take action against him, you may take action against him as his landlord, but though he’s forming a bad and unhealthy habit, he isn’t doing anything criminal.”
“But he has a…hooo-cah!  And I don’t even know what that is!”
“It’s a sort Middle Eastern pipe that uses water-“
“I’m sure he’s using it for heroin or something!”
“I doubt that, ma’am.”
“But what is it?”

WHO are you?

This is the only cultural reference I could come up with that she recognized:

Note: I never knew I knew so much about hookahs!  As a non smoker/drinker or druggie of any kind, the only hookah’s I’ve ever come across were on a family trip to Turkey, decor in some Middle Eastern restaraunts…and children’s films.

A Slice of J.

“I love being married.  It’s so great to find that one person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
– Rita Rudner

The other day, J. came to my office earlier than usual and so he went to the break room to study for a while before my lunch break.  A bunch of the student officers congregate there between shifts or to eat so there was a group of them there at the time.

Helper, a notoriously unobservant young man, was among them. 

Helper is an interesting kid.  He spent several months trying to flirt with me, mostly by slinking up to my desk, lurking behind me for a while, and then informing me of what I was doing quite suddenly.
“You’re reading CNN.”
“Where’d you come from?!  Um…yes.  I am.”
The weirdest thing he did was hover silently one day while I went online to my bank account to pay my credit card bill.
“You use [name of bank]?” he drawled.
I jumped, as I’d had no idea he was there, and demanded why the hell he was looking!
“No reason.  Is that your email too?”
I shut my windows and pointedly asked him if he was on duty.
“Heh, yeah,” he gave me a ‘I-get-it-we’ll-talk-later’ look and meandered off.

This was two months after I’d gotten engaged and had this nice rock sitting pretty on my left hand that was supposed to protect me from the over-amorous attentions of clueless men. 

It never registered.  It wasn’t until a couple months after that he must have figured out I was getting married in the near future because he came to me while I was reconciling a report, lurked behind me for a couple minutes, and finally muttered, “So, you’re engaged.”
“For about five months, yes.”
“I see.”  He sat looking at me for a few more seconds before sighing and murmuring, “I won’t bother you anymore.”

He wandered off while I sat with my jaw slack, wondering where he had pulled this supposed relationship out of.  I don’t think he’s spoken to me since, though I have caught him glaring furtively before he whisks himself around a corner.   And once I overheard him once complaining to a co-worker that I had flirted with him, and the ensuing guffaws.
“Are you kidding?  She’s married, and she was dating the guy before she ever worked here.  Besides, she thinks you’re creepy.”

The reason for this back story?  Well, there J. was sitting in the break room for quite a while before Helper realized he had no idea who J. was and enquired.
“I’m J., C.’s husband.”
“C.?” Helper asked nonchalantly, “Who’s that?”
“You know,” Lexie said, “she works at the front desk.  Dark hair, green eyes, pretty?”
“Short?” offered J.

I still much prefer him to Helper.

Law and Order

“Common sense is not so common.”

Yes, it is around time for Halloween and (as you may recall) I’m all for costumes

But coming on to campus dressed in an actual SWAT shirt wearing an actual bullet proof vest packing actual bullets and flares and two airsoft guns which look frighteningly like the real thing…

…Strikes me as a supremely foolish thing to do. 

If you must dress as a policeman, try this. Inappropriate, yes. Illegal, no.

Oh, by the bye, this kid is a doctoral law student.  You think they would have covered impersonating a law officer, as well as public disturbance…because a lone man on a campus carrying weapons quite rightly incites fear.*  More personally if convicted he could be dismissed from the school and forfeit his credits/degrees.

I think working here has probably made me slightly more attune to the nuances of such choices and their effects…but I still think common sense would keep a person from carrying live ammunition onto a campus where firearms are prohibited.

Although, after the Elk, I suppose the last of the surprise and astonishment should have been knocked out of me.

*Lest we forget the over 50 victims of school shootings in the past two years in the U.S. alone

Facebook: The End of Law Enforcement As We Know It

-Lt. South

Accessory to creepiness.
Accessory to creepiness.

For the record, gentlemen, ladies do not find most of your “awesome” exploits funny in the least.  Neither do the police.  If you simply must annoyingly display your affection, stick to pulling our pigtails.  Because finding an elk, recently deceased due to an unforeseen run in with a car, decapitating it, and leaving the head on a girl’s kitchen table (shades of The Godfather) does not inspire affection.  In fact, it’s considered alarming and creepy.

Also, if you decide to engage in this sort of behavior, don’t post pictures of your exploits on Facebook for the police to find.


Typical Thursday, Part II

(Transcript of actual conversation that took place over the phone, ten minutes after we were done with Angry Law Student)

Please oh please let me come!
Please oh please let me come!

Caller: Hi this is ______, and I have a question for you.
C: How can I help you?
Caller: I’m wondering what it would take to get a parking permit for a horse on campus.
C: …I’m going to need a bit of background info on that question, sir…
Caller: Well, we’re trying to recruit this guy for the swim team and he loves his horses.  So I jokingly told him we could get him a parking permit so he could ride his horse to school, and he really seemed interested.  So, can I get him a permit or what do I need to do?
C: …Sir, you can’t park a horse anywhere.  It’s a living animal.
Caller: Can’t he just tie to a bikerack or something?  All we need is the permit.
C: Sir, I can’t issue you a motor vehicle permit for a horse!
Caller: Oh really!  I want you to check with your supervisor, right now!
C: Yes, sir.

(Puts caller on hold and calls Lt. Figaro.  Meanwhile Hennessy and Officer Lampost are cracking up just hearing my end of the conversation)

C: Figaro, I have a gentleman on the phone who would like to park a horse on campus.
Figaro: I beg your pardon?
C: Just what I said.  Please tell me the answer is no, so I can relay the message.
Figaro:  Of course it’s no!  We don’t have the place for it…who would clean up after it!
C: I’m glad that’s our priority here, but I’ll let him know.

"The 'neighs' have it?"  Oh come now, C, you're not going to pull that pun, are you?
"The 'neighs' have it?" Oh come now, C, you're not going to pull that pun, are you?

C: Sir, I spoke with the lieutenant, and the answer is most definitely no.
Caller: But why not?!
C: Because we don’t have an equestrian program here, which means we don’t have the facilities, equipment, tack, food, or pasturing for it. 
Caller: Not even to a bikerack?
C: Tying it to a bikerack for hours at a time in the desert summer or the winter blizzards is not an option, sir.
Caller: But I’ve seen horses on campus before!
C: We bring a single pony onto campus one day a year for a demonstration in equine therapy for the physical therapy students, and you may have seen police on horseback for holiday parades or football games, but that isn’t with our department.  We don’t have an equestrian police force. 
Caller: So what am I supposed to tell our recruit?
C: I have no idea, sir.
Caller: No horse?
C: Absolutely no horse, sir.
Caller: Humph!  Well thanks for nothing.


Typical Thursday, Part I

 “Angry people are not always wise.”
-Jane Austen

A law student came into the office today, demanding more parking for graduate students.  With the new parking system, still not completely patched and just limping along, lots of students have been taking advantage of the absence of usual oversight by parking wherever they want: handicapped stalls, dean and administrator lots, etc.  Which means that when (and if) this new system starts functioning properly, a whole lot of people are in for a nasty surprise.  I forsee the university setting up a new scholarship fund out of the proceeds, but I digress.

We apologized for the inconvenience and said it should be corrected in a month, but that did no good.  As Lt. Figaro explained the policy regarding each of her complaints, she kept changing her argument and problem until she was eventually asking for us to build new parking, or take parking away from other people to give to graduate students.
“We already have about one parking space per three grad students and special lots for you,” Figaro said, wearily, “as opposed to one in five for the rest of our students.”
“But we need more!”

“Ma’am,” I said, “we have thousands of students currently attending, plus several thousand more faculty, staff, administrative, service personnel, and contractors who come to this school everyday.  Plus there is another university in the next city over.  This area was never meant to accomodate nearly XXX thousand extra people, city planning hasn’t kept up with it in the past two generations.  You’re asking us for space that we cannot give you, because it literally does not exist.”
“But I spent forty-five minutes circling that parking lot to find a space yesterday!”
“Well,” offered Figaro, “did you try parking at the basketball arena or football stadium and walking?”
She gasped in outrage, “All that way?!”

The American School System Has Failed When…

“These are not spirit fingers.  These are spirit fingers!”
-Bring It On (one of them.  This franchise seems to be doing the Land Before Time thing…what number are we on now?)

Go TEAM!  (Not our school, PS)
Go TEAM! (Not our school, PS)

A request for privileged parking came through to Red and the girls at parking (still muddling through a hopelessly ridiculous new system) written thus:
“I am a cheerleader and therefore require parking closer to campus.  Shouldn’t I be able to park in [names area reserved for administrators and faculty]?  It’s really important for me to be able to get to school easily.”

Diagnosis – left secondary education with tragically skewed self perception, grossly underdeveloped logic faculties, and gravitional-force-altering sense of self importance.  Good job tired cliches and cliques.

There’s a whole website devoted to such mayhem, here it is for your viewing pleasure!