Category: Office

Humor, Office, University

It’s Alive!

“The trouble with troubleshooting is that trouble shoots back.”
– Unknown

So, while documenting records in our database, I must have tapped some keys in just the right order to summon the devil.  Or something.  Because this popped up in that scary font only techie types use:

This version requires a [something or other thing that I don’t understand] directory to store your alias files.  Shall I create it for you?  Y/N

At a loss, I type “N” and assumed it would all go away.  The response…

Very well.  I won’t create it.

But you may run into difficulties later.

Die, evil computer program, die!  Help, my computer has become self aware!

I wouldn't do that, C.
Drama, Family, Humor, Money, Office, University, Work

Wealth And Consequence

“Not for all the money in the world would I let any children of mine develop into Pendletons!”
– Jean Webster, Daddy-Long-Legs

Dear un-named child of an extremely generous university alumni: I am very grateful for your father’s contributions and service.  I am sure that the whole school thanks him for his patronage.  You, on the other hand, are not your father and are not entitled to his privileges.  He has given us a lifetime of service and hard work, you have give us a series of debilitating migraines because of your rude, unbelievable behavior.  I do not care how much money another person has donated, you are an insufferable ass and no amount of money will make you less responsible for your actions.

Wealth doth not a gentleman make.

I got home yesterday absolutely burning with rage after dealing with this boy. 
“If,” I snarled at J., “we ever become as successful as we hope, we are donating everything to PBS and cancer research.  I’ll be damned before I see any of our family act like that!  The things I wish I could have said!”
“You don’t have to take apart every jerk that you deal with you know.”
“But I want to.  It would make the world a better place!”

If I be waspish best beware my sting!

I come from some WASP stock myself, but if I ever behaved the way this kid does, my parents would gleefully disown me!

Fabulous, Fashion, History, Humor, Office

A Head Short

“I came up with direct marketing.  Well, someone else already had, but I came up with it independently.”
– Mad Men (Pete Campbell)

“I love your necklace!” said a patron to me today. “Did you get the idea from Ugly Betty?”
“Er, no,” I answered, having never watched the show.  “Anne Boleyn.”
“Oh.  Who’s that?”

Sigh.  Stupid history degree.  Nobody has a clue what I’m talking about half the time.

Fun, Humor, Office, Weird

Freudian Slip

“Demosthenes overcame and rendered more distinct his inarticulate and stammering pronunciation by speaking with pebbles in his mouth.”
– Plutarch 

Our supplier’s secretary would have done well to copy the ancient orator.  Quoth her voicemail message: 

Pictured: a testicle handcuff key

 

“Hey this is [name] with [supplier], just calling to let you know your testicle handcuff keys are ready to ship, please let me know when you’d like me to proceed.” 

Susie called Wise, Hennessy, and I all in to consult and figure out what on earth she was talking about (amidst some mock horror, “Susie!  What did you order?”) but we finally managed to deduce she meant tactical handcuffs.  Which isn’t nearly as intriguing.

Humor, Office, Silly, Stupid People, University, Work

Because I Got High

“A cigarette is a pipe with a fire at one end, and a fool at the other.”
– Unknown

And in continuing odd phone call news…

“Hello, I have a problem.  I’m a landlady for a condo rented by students and some of them are reporting that one of them has a…hoooo-cah…?  I think that has something to do with drugs and I don’t know what to do.  I called the university’s housing department and they refered me to the city police, but they said they couldn’t help me.”
“Did they tell you why, ma’am?”
“Well, my tenants said he was smoking tobacco and the police said that that’s all right!”
“Er, yes, ma’am.  If they are violating your landlord/tenant agreement though, as long as you uphold your end of it in the time you give him to remove himself from your property, you will be able to evict him.”
“But the university forbids drugs!”
“Yes, ma’am, but tobacco is legal as long as you are of age.  The university does have certain behavioral requirements of all its’ attendees but that is not the same thing as someone breaking a state or federal law.  The university may take action against him, you may take action against him as his landlord, but though he’s forming a bad and unhealthy habit, he isn’t doing anything criminal.”
“But he has a…hooo-cah!  And I don’t even know what that is!”
“It’s a sort Middle Eastern pipe that uses water-“
“I’m sure he’s using it for heroin or something!”
“I doubt that, ma’am.”
“But what is it?”

WHO are you?

This is the only cultural reference I could come up with that she recognized:

 
 
Note: I never knew I knew so much about hookahs!  As a non smoker/drinker or druggie of any kind, the only hookah’s I’ve ever come across were on a family trip to Turkey, decor in some Middle Eastern restaraunts…and children’s films.
Humor, Life, Office, Work

Chivalry is Dead

 “Always be nice to secretaries.  They are the real gatekeepers in the world.”
– Anthony J. D’Angelo 

Not an hour into work and with stacks of paperwork already piled high on our desks, both the copier and shredder broke causing a swell of panic on the secretaries’ part.  Wise, Susie, and I dove into action.  After the right combination of kicking, bashing, praying, and human sacrifice was accomplished the copier shuddered, whirred, and started working again and we moved our attention to the shredder.  Then my phone rang and there was a grouchy state attorney on the line, and Amanda was dragged off to do a record expungement leaving Susie to wrestle with the machinery. 

In sauntered Lt. Figaro (late as usual) and he meandered up to Susie and started talking. 

I imagine that if the officers ever did take the initiative to fix their own problems, the secretaries' reaction to the resulting chaos would look something like this.

While I looked up records for the attorney I watched her stick her arm and fingers into the mechanisms to fix a blockage while he told the story of an African student he knew (which is really inspirational, don’t get me wrong).  As she dragged the whole thing away from the wall to poke around the electrical hookups he led into the differences of education in multiple countries, which turned naturally to American politics.  When she dragged the bag of shredded paper out of its compartment (which was nearly as big as she is and threatened to spill out everywhere) he reached his crescendo:
“And that is just what the terrorists want!  They want to make us feel inferior and inadequate!  We can’t let the terrorists win!” 

At which point the attorney let me go and I was able to scurry back in time to keep the mess from tipping over and shove the whole contraption back into place. 

“Good job, girls,” Figaro said and went back to his office to take a nap or something.

Humor, Office, Stupid People, Weird

A Slice of J.

“I love being married.  It’s so great to find that one person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
– Rita Rudner

The other day, J. came to my office earlier than usual and so he went to the break room to study for a while before my lunch break.  A bunch of the student officers congregate there between shifts or to eat so there was a group of them there at the time.

Helper, a notoriously unobservant young man, was among them. 

Helper is an interesting kid.  He spent several months trying to flirt with me, mostly by slinking up to my desk, lurking behind me for a while, and then informing me of what I was doing quite suddenly.
“You’re reading CNN.”
“Where’d you come from?!  Um…yes.  I am.”
The weirdest thing he did was hover silently one day while I went online to my bank account to pay my credit card bill.
“You use [name of bank]?” he drawled.
I jumped, as I’d had no idea he was there, and demanded why the hell he was looking!
“No reason.  Is that your email too?”
I shut my windows and pointedly asked him if he was on duty.
“Heh, yeah,” he gave me a ‘I-get-it-we’ll-talk-later’ look and meandered off.

This was two months after I’d gotten engaged and had this nice rock sitting pretty on my left hand that was supposed to protect me from the over-amorous attentions of clueless men. 

It never registered.  It wasn’t until a couple months after that he must have figured out I was getting married in the near future because he came to me while I was reconciling a report, lurked behind me for a couple minutes, and finally muttered, “So, you’re engaged.”
“For about five months, yes.”
“I see.”  He sat looking at me for a few more seconds before sighing and murmuring, “I won’t bother you anymore.”

He wandered off while I sat with my jaw slack, wondering where he had pulled this supposed relationship out of.  I don’t think he’s spoken to me since, though I have caught him glaring furtively before he whisks himself around a corner.   And once I overheard him once complaining to a co-worker that I had flirted with him, and the ensuing guffaws.
“Are you kidding?  She’s married, and she was dating the guy before she ever worked here.  Besides, she thinks you’re creepy.”

The reason for this back story?  Well, there J. was sitting in the break room for quite a while before Helper realized he had no idea who J. was and enquired.
“I’m J., C.’s husband.”
“C.?” Helper asked nonchalantly, “Who’s that?”
“You know,” Lexie said, “she works at the front desk.  Dark hair, green eyes, pretty?”
“Short?” offered J.

I still much prefer him to Helper.