Category: Humor

Humor, Travel

Getting Around

“A passport, as I’m sure you know, is a document that one shows to government officials whenever one reaches a border between two countries, so that the official can learn who you are, where you were born, and how you look when photographed unflatteringly.”
― Lemony Snicket

My theme song is whatever the opposite of “Don’t Get Around Much Anymore is,” as long as it doesn’t make me sound like a tart.

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That photo is not even all of my passports, I’ve got another one filed away at my parents house. And, like unto my notary paperwork, I have to trudge them around with me for the rest of my life. (At least with my notarial stuff my heirs have to trudge it around for all of theirs as well before finally disposing of it.) Why, you ask? Because my passports literally contain my life – and I’m not just talking about sentimental value.

If you want to live a highly traveled life, expect to run smack into paperwork managed by highly precise bureaucracies who will want to know (with justification) why you want into their country and what other countries you’ve finagled your way into. I’ve lived in or traveled to well over 20 countries in my life, that’s a long list. And when you plan on moving to a country you have to be able to supply that whole list to the dour faced border guards who patrol the perimeters. I love my passports and all the stamps in them, I’ve been some seriously cool places and I plan on going to many more – but heavens they do make paperwork more complicated when reporting your life story!

And I find it a bit funny/ridiculous that between two people J. and I have seven passports when I know dozen of people who don’t have single one. My life has been incredibly packed full and fun, but looking at the stack of blue books reminds me that it hasn’t ever been normal. Good.

Humor

Finally Summer

“And so with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on the trees, just as things grow in fast movies, I had that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer.”
― F. Scott Fitzgerald

Working from a kitchen table or library desk doesn’t spark feelings of summer. I blame fluorescent lighting and too early mornings.

But today J. and I spent the morning in the mountains cheering on my sister-in-law’s extended family in a Memorial Day 5k and 1 mile race event to honor lost family members. Her family (including all five kids) were running in memory of their grandparents and cousin who passed away in a car accident last year. The turnout was great, although we were kept on the sidelines – J. has a busted foot, and I wimped out on training properly. I’m afraid I hate running, though I need to get over it because it will be by far the cheapest health option in the near future.

J. and I then just spent some time driving around the mountains through the farming towns with old settlers houses and rolling alpine fields filled with livestock before ending up in a local resort town, wandering down the main street and grabbing food – a hefty chili cheeseburger for him and a tasty Veggie Benedict for me.

We spent almost the whole day out in the sun (sunglasses and sunscreen included, of course) in shorts and tee shirts. It was glorious, it was summery, and I neglected to take a single picture. If ever I’m asked to prove a number of things (from my daily activities to my marital state) based on photographic evidence alone, I may not be able to do so.

Humor

Shakespeare to Adams. We’re a Cultured Lot.

“In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”
-Douglas Adams

Happy towel day, fellow nerds. J. and I are currently scheming about some electronic purchases for our move. We have agreed that if an iPad ever wanders into our midst, it will be immediately inscribed with the words, “Don’t Panic.”

Why yes, I DO own the original radio series as well.
Why yes, I DO own the original radio series as well.
Humor, Linkstorm, Weekend

Friday Links

I forced myself to put on real pants to avoid slothfulness as I’m doing a bit of work in the morning, and everybody knows pajama pants are the world’s greatest killer of productivity.
– C.

Terribly busy, sorry. Freelance projects to finish, dinner this evening with Angel and her husband who are back from South Korea and Hawaii, and I’ve got a fit in a shower at some point. Nothing but glamor happening over here, kittens. How are you weekends looking?

GOLDFISH CRACKERS. Sorry…did I just reveal an addiction?

Yes to love, yes to life, yes to staying in more! I’m just over a week away from 27…and I endorse this message.

In the dear dead PD days gone by, I became familiar with creepers. Or did I?

English is a language comprised entirely of exceptions rather than rules.

Nope.

Two please. Also, can we hear it for the girls? A couple of weeks ago a girl who invented an app to hide TV spoilers on Twitter and now this.

I love English, I love its history and the rule exceptions, and just how it sounds. But I am 100% in favor of introducing some of these – “grief bacon” in particular – for precision’s sake.

Love these houses, almost taken straight from Homer’s account of Penelope and Odysseus’ bed.

Ladies swag. Regency/Victorian/Edwardian style.

Humor

Crosswords and Shakespeare. Sexy.

“Shakespeare – the nearest thing in incarnation to the eye of God.”
– Laurence Olivier

I’m giddy, minions. J. was put in touch with the specific guy who will be handling our immigration paperwork from the business end, to whom we’ve sent copies of our documents to get the ball rolling, and I wrangled the benefits company who managed my 401k and retirement today. Money will soon be coming our way – and thence straight into savings and student loan payments. I also managed to renew my drivers license through the most painless DMV experience of my life yesterday morning, did a ton of research on our travel arrangements, and booked my flight to Virginia. All in between freelance projects.

Incidentally, apart from giddy, I’m also tired.

So J. and I are doing the New York Times crossword, waiting for this to finish loading (…and we’re back to giddy). We’re feeling alternately too old for our ages, and smug and pretentious, but don’t worry. Kettlecorn and sweatpants will put us back in a humble frame of mind straight away. Besides, it’s impossible to be pretentious while watching Shakespeare (at least if you’re doing it correctly). You’re too busy becoming one with all humanity, and we are foible ridden lot.

How are your Tuesday evenings going?

I am irrationally excited about this.
I am irrationally excited about this.
Family, Humor

Now is the summer of our upheaval…

“In preparing for battle I have always found that plans are useless, but planning is indispensable.”
― Dwight D. Eisenhower

So, Mum got accepted to a classical language program (yay, Mum!) and will be gone for 8 weeks. She’s asked me to stop in and mind things a bit for a few weeks so that Dad can get to work, Buddy can get to the dentist, and Snickers can get to swim practice. And also that this fate may be avoided, which I think we can all agree is a worthy cause.

This is perfect! I get to spend time with my siblings and parents (once Mum’s back) before I skip the country, play with my dog, see all the girls on the East Coast, and boss people about professionally – what is not to like!

And just like that, my summer in the woods is back on! This has been the most roller coaster year…

Also we booked a bunch of plane tickets yesterday and today. Things are happening.

Humor, Linkstorm, Weekend

Friday Links (Fancy Dress Party Edition)

A determined soul will do more with a rusty monkey wrench than a loafer will accomplish with all the tools in a machine shop.
– Robert Hughes

Boy golly. I just got thrown another wrench, ducklings. Although this is largely a good wrench it is still necessary to recalibrate some plans – which is rather turning out to be my constant state of existence these days. Details about this good wrench to follow pending some scheduling and finalization. My we’ve gotten secretive here at Small Dog Headquarters!

Anyway, I’m editing more website copy and banging out a last minute press release and then reveling in a marathon phone call with Marie. Tomorrow Margot is throwing herself a going away party with dinner and drinks at a favorite restaurant and then going to see what Peregrine called “THE STUPID FLAPPER MOVIE, YAY!” Long pearl necklaces and dark makeup encouraged.

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This hotel. “I want to go to there.” American hotels make a big song and dance about their continental breakfasts – usually consisting of stale donuts, separated juices, and crumbly cereal. A real continental breakfast (on the actual European continent) is a magnificent thing by contrast. I can’t wait to have one again.

I may not be a fashion maven, but I am a beauty junkie. Okay, fine, I’m strictly speaking a skin care junkie. But if it came down to choosing between good clothes and flawless skin, I’d take the latter every single time. And a tube of really good red lipstick.

First Richard III and now this, all archeologists should probably report to British car parks immediately, quite possibly just in Leicester. (And of course I get Douglas Adams stuck in my head for the rest of the day. “The car park! What are you doing in the car park?” “Parking cars, what else, dumb dumb?”)

Here’s a tribute to one of the masters of stop motion animation. Which, since it produced Wallace and Gromit (among other great wonders) I will hear not a word against. That plus Jason and the Argonauts is another childhood favorite that everyone needs to see.

Know your insult.

Margot’s throwing a 20’s themed going away bash tomorrow: dinner, drinks, and The Great Gatsby. Tiffany designed several pieces of jewelry for the film and apparently there was an intense amount of security on set. Lots of it isn’t my favorite, but I admit that Daisy’s diamond headband is so unbelievably over the top that I kind of love it.

People. People! Like any other app or site it’s a tool. I don’t have Pinterest angst, but I can see how people can get it by forgetting that it’s a tool and thinking it’s a competition. (Which can sum up a lot of life and cultural problems, frankly.)

How cool.

Humor, Life

Commiseration

“I’m out for more clients. Which makes me sound like a hooker. Great.”
“Nothing wrong with the world’s oldest profession!  My assignments often include solicitation letters, so…”
– C. and Beth ponder the virtue of their pens

We did family photos with J.’s clan a while back and we just got the proofs. A few thoughts:

The camera does add 10 lbs, even after you’ve lost 20.

I am white as a ghost and probably should learn something about bronzer for future photo ops

Makeup in general NOT heavy enough.

For the first time in photos I feel like I look my age, as opposed to 5-10 years younger, I can’t tell if I’m a fan of that or not.

My sisters-in-law are gorgeous and gorgeously photogenic.

I believe sincerely in eye cream.

Holy cow. I’m short. I mean, duh, but seriously. My 11 year old niece is nose high! Heels next time, I think.

Humor

By All Means, Let Us Observe Tradition

“What do you want?”
“Just coffee. Black – like my soul.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

I scribble this to you, kittens, from a largely empty Starbucks after dropping J. off at work and limping towards an extra sugary hot chocolate to make my early wake up time worth it. I have become one of those coffee house freelancers… how quickly we sink to cliche! It’s vaguely depressing. But then again, that may just be the Monday talking.

Family, Humor

Mothers’ Day

An ounce of mother is worth a pound of clergy.
-Spanish Proverb

My mother, as has been established, is certifiably awesome.

Some of my favorite memories with her have been the day trips we took together, when I finally got out of the twerpy teenager phase and could really appreciate them. When we lived in Belgium she and I went down to Versailles together overnight, just the two of us, just because. We also wandered through Antwerp, Ghent, and Brugges. In the UK we did Cambridge regularly. It was great fun and I didn’t appreciate them close to enough at the time.

But I’m going to make darn sure I do the same with my spawn. Those hours or days, just the two of us that she carved out just to be with me, we’re just extended “I Love Yous” with hyper impressive scenery.

Maman à Versailles.
Maman à Versailles.

So, just in case I didn’t say it enough then, I love you back, Mum.