Category: Humor

Books, Humor, School

“This is no mere hanger-on in hero’s armor…”

“Ironically we were studing the scarlet letter. Isn’t it always the way? The book you read in class always seem to have strong connection with whatever angsty adolescence trauma is going on. Exept for Huckleberry Finn, ’cause I don’t know any teenage boy who ran away with big hulking black guy.”
(later)
“Did you hear than Brandon ran away from home?  Yeah, totally.  He left his parents a note that said, ‘I’m gay, *******!’ and then he skipped town with some big hulking black guy.”
“…My apologies to Mark Twain.”
– Easy A

Mum called last night because she’s going to throw Beowulf into the mix for her class on Western Civilization this term and needed to know the pronunciations for some of the names, as she’s more at home with Greek and Latin.

And I knew the answers.   ‘Cause I’m a nerd.

Foundation of an unlikely friendship.

My knowledge of Beowulf was what initially won over the seemingly alarming and crusty high school teacher who went on to become my mentor and good friend to this day.  I’d read it for the first time in 8th grade and fell in love with Early English literature, so I knew whereof I spoke when I confronted him (trembling) about a test question that I was sure I’d got right.  He turned a baleful eye on me before apparently deciding not to disembowel me, and decided that if I could show him the reason for my answer in the text, he’d give me the points.  I could and he did.

And as it turned out, for a special few students who showed a genuine love to literature and history, he had heart of butter.  And once he loved you, he loved you.  I was one of the few who could misbehave at all in his class, and my mates didn’t even mind me being a teacher’s pet because I alone could persuade him to postpone tests when more study time was needed.  We debated vigorously across four classes for two years.  He wrote me glowing recommendations when I was applying to universities.  I still send him Christmas presents, he sent me the most lovely card and note for my wedding, and we exchange lengthy emails every couple of months.

All because of Beowulf.

See, kids, those required readings pay off eventually.

Humor, Law Enforcement, Work

Body of Proof

“This is what fellows always run up against in the detective novels–What to Do With the Body. They manage the murder part of it all right, and then stub their toes on the body problem.”
-P.G. Woodhoues

The other day, Susie was taking a break and walked around the office when she came up short at the copy machine station and froze with a sort of irritated sound.
“C., is this yours?”
In her hands was a photo of a particularly grisly murder scene that our department investigated some years back.  After even just three years working here, and murder hardly a typical event, this is utterly unfazing to me.  Even less so for Susie who has a good decade on me.  We’re excellent people to have around in emergencies.
“Ah,” I squinted at it,  “no.  Definitely not.  And it absolutely should not be laying around.”

See, apart from being inappropriate and gory, it’s rather a huge records protection issue to leave sensitive stuff like that just hanging out on a work table.
“Do you know the case?”
I did, from my adventure in the media lab last year.
“Would you mind – ” she thrust it at me with a wave to indicate my general responsibility and returned to her regular, less gruesome duties.

Of course, this sort of surreptitiousness (unusual in our gossipy office) aroused considerable interest on the part of some of the student employees as I went from department to department with the large photos pressed tightly to my body trying to keep them from seeing as they begged, cajoled, and outright tried to bribe me for a peek.  Eventually Lt. Citrus claimed them.  He had no idea how they got where they did – which seeing as it’s Halloween season, doesn’t inspire confidence as to whether or not our campus is located on an ancient burial ground filled with restless spirits.

There are days, ducklings, where the weirdness of my job is thrown into sharp relief.  Most of the time it’s notarization, stolen bikes or backpacks, or basic receptionist work.  Every once and a while, I’m skulking murder documents around the office like MI5.

Weirdest thing that’s happened to you at work recently, kittens?

Humor

An End-Week Linkstorm, For Your Pleasure

“The internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.”
– Dave Barry

You know you want to click...

Pumpkins, I wish I could muster some humor and snark for you this Friday morn, but alas the well is dry. I live just off a major road in our humble university town and the Powers That Be, with their usual clear-sighted wisdom, have decided to start tearing up it and the other main road at the same time.  Just before the snows set in and the construction will have to be halted for winter anyway and we’ll be stuck with fewer lanes and more traffic until April.  We’ve some towering geniuses on the city council, let me tell you.

A byproduct of this is that the several of the stores on the main roads are no longer easily accessible by the semi trucks needing to make deliveries and so the behemoths have taken to using the smaller streets to load and unload.  Like the one I live on.  All night long. Very loudly.

Thus, I didn’t sleep well and despite it being Friday and payday, I’m in a foul, sleep deprived mood.  So!  In the absence of real effort, from around the internets, the Small Dog team cherry picks the topics you need to know about.  Or at least the pictures of cats that are bound to make you LOL, srsly, OMG, etc.

The byline says this will make you giggle or cry.  I fall on the latter end.

*Snort.

Neat paper art.

Like unto PBS, my love for NPR runs deep (although I did used to mock my dad horribly for listening to some of the programs).  By far my favorite program is This American Life – here’s one of their recent episodes I particularly liked: Gossip.  Act II’s short story is quite good.

In case you hadn’t heard, today is the day of the rescheduled End of the World.  In May I bought cupcakes to commemorate our office’s imminent demise.  I’m thinking of doing it again.

Dear Rick Santorum: Quoi?!  Let’s talk about the danger of lack of contraception, shall we?  And the rest of the “logic” is equally head scratching, I assure you.

Last political jab, I promise.  “Due diligence,” eh?  It’s a miracle to me why some people are actually given any attention at all.

Dinner tonight.

Little letters.

Just what I like to see.  Tasteful displays of wealth.

Oh look, I managed some snark after all.  What other stories need to be shared with the Minion Coterie?  To the comments!

Health, Humor, Working Out

Sanctuary!

“Didn’t…didn’t you used to have that on the other side?”
– Young Frankenstein

I was an excellent dancer my whole life, but two years of marriage to a man who Does Not Dance has turned my once innate sense of rhythm into a sort of  limping flail.  My toes may be perfectly pointed but my African dance arm circles do lack some finesse, my samba steps may be lightening quick but my “hip hop” (note the sarcastic airquotes) could use some work.  But what I now lack in technicality I make up for in enthusiasm.

Riding a wave of said enthusiasm last night, I decided, “Margot’s in California for the weekend, I’ve nothing else to do tonight and two exercise classes in a row won’t kill me.”

Boredom produces frightening effects in me, kittens.  It was brutal.  But it wasn’t until halfway through class number two that I realized that I was probably doing something personally embarrassing – beyond the obvious movement of my bum in improbable directions.  Then the girl behind me tipped me off, she was staring at my back and every time my gyrations turned me about I got a quick glimpse of her puzzled face.  I pieced it together during the cool down period.  My workout top had a hood, but when putting it on, apparently the hood had gotten turned inside out and stuck on inside my shirt.  Creating a sort of hunch.  That moved about as I did.  Enthusiastically.

"What hump?"
Humor

See C. Run

“Projects?!  I will give you projects!’
– C.

I’ve been home about a month, and it’s two months until J. and I meet up for Christmas at my parents.  In the past month, in an effort to fill up some of the free time I’ve found myself with, here’s what I’ve taken up:

In my case, boredom.

Exercise classes: working for a university means I’ve an overabundence of such resources.  Zumba (Latin dance based cardio) three times a week, yoga at least twice.  It’s quite funny to watch a bunch of uncoordinated people like me jumping around while an instructor bellows, “Put your hips into it!”  There’s on particularly secure young man, freshman I think, who joins in and shakes it with the best of a room full of women – hats off to you, sir!  Although apparently my previous ballet expirience makes my yoga teacher want to weep.  “Why are you pointing your foot?!  You are supposed to sink into the earth like a tree, at one with the universe, not contort yourself into an unnatural shape!”  Naff off, lady, after 15 years I’ve still got a perfect bevel to my foot!

Pintrest: I’ve heard from everybody and their dog that it’s an addictive site.  They were terribly, horribly right.  This perusing of good ideas has led to an increase in –

Cooking: I’ve stocked the freezer with frozen chicken tetrazzini, made homemade chicken broth, endless amounts of soups (all necessary for chilly Fall weather) to freeze or enjoy now, perfected my already pretty good chocolate chip cookies, and started to plan my campaign of holiday baking.

Shopping: but only minimally.  We’ve car payments, rent, utilities, and now loan payments and I, my darlings, am being good.  I had to replace a couple pairs of shoes that were well and truly past their sell by date, got two knit dresses that go marvelously with boots and leggings for work and play, and had an indulgence purchase of two pashminas (for the price of one!).  Because I live in them from September to April, and because I found one in an incredible emerald green that simply needed to live around my neck.

Organizing writing projects: after a strict talking to by Scarlett to do so.

Reading: I have a reservation list a mile long at two of my libraries (university and local).  But please, add suggestions to it.  Vigorously.  I read terribly fast.

Documentaries: I quite liked Ken Burns’ newest offering, Prohibition.  Fun fact, Mum and Dad met at a discotheque called The Prohibition.  Which is entirely unrelated, but I still find it funny.

Finding a bridesmaid dress: Sadie and Pieter are tying the knot two months from tomorrow!  I’m ridiculously excited and happy for them, but still haven’t found le frock juste for the occasion.  Bridesmaids dresses can be just as tricky as the  Big Dress itself sometimes…

End results: I’ve lost, no joke, 9 pounds in three weeks, despite all of the food I can’t seem to stop making.  I live at the library in the evenings – when I’m not talking to J..  I’m getting excited for the holidays, though disgusted with all of the Christmas decorations that are cropping up everywhere.  I categorically refuse to play my Christmas music until the day after Thanksgiving, although I can admit that I’m occasionally tempted to…

What projects have you taken up recently, kittens?

Friends, Home, Humor

Room. Mate.

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What!  You too? I thought I was the only one.”
– C.S. Lewis

Actual photo of the elusive Margot in the wild...

Kittens, I have failed.  I told you all long ago that I had exciting news regarding the unfailingly awesome Margot…and then neglected utterly to tell you want it is.  Here it is: she moved in with me!

With J. off in London and me with this two bedroom flat all by my lonesome, and she with this horrid student apartment she was splitting with five other people, and a probable job starting in February that would make it hard to sell her housing contract (since she would have to move out of the country)… we figured she should just take up residence at chez Small Dog.  And lucky me, she said yes.

Margot is a busy girl holding down multiple jobs including teaching, tutoring, volunteering, and applying for yet more jobs.  She’s taught all over the Pacific (mostly in New Zealand), she also grew up partly in Japan as the daughter of a US Air Force officer, she is sister to Pinto (now living and teaching herself in Germany with her husband), and Margot is planning on an educational administrative job in South America next year – unless a cooler offer presents itself.  Yeah, if she weren’t my friend, she’d make me sick too.

In the interest of getting to know someone who will most likely feature at Small Dog Humor and Snark Inc., here’s a brief interview:

So, your computer dies spectacularly sending your life’s work into the screaming void.  Reaction?
Weeping.

Favorite flowers, just so your admirers know what to send  (as we at Small Dog Social Commentating are awash in such things)?
I like stargazer lilies, red roses and (new discovery) baby’s breath.  But it has to be all baby’s breath.  Mix any of these and you die.

You are a box of pudding just waiting to be made, what flavor are you?
I am sugar free chocolate pudding.

The one author you would deny your students forever if you got the chance?  As a taste issue, you understand, no banned books here.
Ooh…Stephanie Meyer’s too cliche, there’s got to be someone I hate more… I’m going to say Glenn Beck?

You have to wear one outfit for the rest of you life, make it good!
Black slacks, white frilly button up, black blazer, scarf, red lipstick.  Oh!  And fake big rimmed glasses and stilettos.  I’ll look like I’m going to a very corporate funeral.  “He was a good man…of business…”

Care to say hello to the minions?
You people are fabulous.  Carry on.

Humor, Husband

Me, Myself, and Jane Austen

“Mr. Knightley, in fact, was one of the few people who could see faults in Emma Woodhouse, and the only one who ever told her of them.”
– Jane Austen

In the new version of Emma , Mr. Knightley notices that she is having a bit of a down day and says, “If you were to ask me, I would say that you were in need of a project.”  Which of course, interfering busybody she is, she does.  And if ever J. was in the house while I was watching it, he would chuckle a bit under his breath and refuse to explain why.

I didn’t get it until talking on the computer with him on Saturday about how life without him is rather dull.
“I’m running out of ideas.  I’ve made and frozen two batches of chicken tetrazzini, turned the chicken carcass into homemade broth, cleaned the whole house, did laundry, reorganized the kitchen and my closet, mended a pair of trousers, and am considering baking cookies.”
And suddenly, with the same rumbling, cute chuckle, “You are in need of a project, love.”

Har har.

Anyone need to be married off?  I have a lot of free time on my hands.

Keep still, I'm bored.
Humor

It’s Beginning to Look A Lot Like…?

“A lot of people like snow.  I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner

You guys, it snowed!  Yesterday!  October 6th!  Alright, so it melted the second it hit the ground and lasted less than 10 minutes, but still – snow!

Western weather is the most ludicrously schizophrenic thing you’ve ever seen.  It barely turned into Fall, I watched a leaf fall a mere four days ago while walking to my car, and all of a sudden the mountains look like a pastry chef dusted them with confectioners sugar.

I turned on the heat for the first time when I got home from work, only for an hour to warm things up a bit.  Last night it was far too cold to sleep with the window open like I’ve been doing for a couple of weeks now – certainly without a nice warm husband to cuddle up against.  I’ve got the beginnings of a cold tickling the back of my throat.  My stomach is campaigning vigorously for steaming hot stews and soups.  The signs are all here, but how did we skip Fall and go straight into Winter?

Western weather being what it is, though, I expect Fall to come back at any moment, clutching its chest and panting, “So sorry, everyone, just popped round to the store for a minute, what did I miss?”

Also, and far more enraging, guess what I saw at the grocery store yesterday?  Christmas decorations!  Honestly, people, it’s early October, we haven’t even had Halloween yet!  Let’s all calm down, shall we?