Tag: Humor

Humor, Linkstorm, Weekend

Friday Links LVII

“And then a throb hits you on the left side of the head so hard that your head bobs to the right…There’s no way that came from inside your head, you think. That’s no metaphysical crisis. God just punched you in the face.”
― Andrew Levy, A Brain Wider Than the Sky: A Migraine Diary

Minions, well beloved minions – I wish I had something clever to say, but alas.  After a productive if long day, I headed to the gym last night and about halfway through a zumba class a migraine descended.  I went straight home and to bed, but woke up still feeling like an axe had split my skull so everything was a bit wibbly today.

On a brighter note, J. perked me up with tickets to a really great exhibit in the city this evening and we went to a favorite restaurant as well.  There is nothing that museums, food, and drugs don’t fix.  This weekend I have MP projects, house projects, career projects – so many projects!  Gearing up for a move and trying to get a few professional irons in the fire; it goes from exciting to daunting (sometimes in the space of seconds).  What projects do the minion coterie have going currently?  Share in the comments and here are your links:

What a development!

I for one choose death.

A poem about bullying was turned into a short film by dozens of animators working in different styles.  The result is beautiful, and horrible at once.

Missed connections adds from across the country totaled up for data.  I always loved reading these on the free newspapers you can pick up on the tube in London, most of them were horrifically bad.  What’s the most common venue in your state?

Can you imagine finding one of these?  Just lying around?!

A fascinating (and sad) photo project.  The stories in those cases…

This, I imagine smells…dreadful.

Today is International Women’s Day, and this month is the centennial of a march of suffragettes on Washington DC.  Sidenote, I learned in school but had forgotten that Mississippi didn’t ratify the 19th amendment until 1984 – what gives?!

This NPR segment is well worth the listening, because it will totally knock you for a loop!  Summertime just sounds WRONG that way.

Separating the weekly sheep from the goats.

Family, Humor

Good Girls Don’t

“There are no good girls gone wrong – just bad girls found out.”
― Mae West

A lady. A hardcore, don't mess, step off lady.
Ladylike and bad A are not mutually exclusive.

Last Thursday I got to attend a storytelling event featuring one of my personal feminist and academic heroines.  I even got to meet her after the show and had to stop the litany of fangirling going on in my head as I went up to shake her hand, “Don’t say anything stupid, don’t freak out, smile don’t drool, stop grinning like a hyena…”  After I thanked her for the work she’s doing in multiple mediums, she gave me a hug and I went away skipping.

But next to meeting this woman, the coolest moment was when audience members were invited to contribute a story of their own on the evening’s them: Good Girls Don’t.  I’d always wanted to try it so I volunteered as available, and to my surprise I was picked.  Here’s a brief riff on the story I told.  The story at the event was a lot less polished, but it’s still worth the retelling.  (Sorry in advance, Mum, but it’s my favorite story of you ever.)

My mother has a good life, I think, but parts of it could have made a Lifetime Original Movie.  She’s overcome abuse, depression, and family issues to come out on the other side with three degrees, four kids, world travel, and a survivors mindset hidden behind a beautiful house, antiques, and academia.  My mother believes in being strong minded, independent, and educated – but in addition to this, she believed in being a lady.

Ladies aren’t rough, they are firm but polite.  They speak well and keep their elbows off the table.  They sit up straight.  They converse intelligently but in measured tones.  Above all they are not crass: bad or rude language was not permitted in our house.  We could ask any questions we wanted, all the kids were given a lot of independence, and we were given a lot of intellectual leeway in some ways, but we could not swear.  This got to be difficult for me as I got older because frankly I love a good “damn!” and think some words, while perhaps less than savory, are absolutely the appropriate words to use in some situations.  But not for Mum.  Ladies don’t use coarse language and heaven help me if I did in her presence.

I think, and this is just speculation on my part, that being ladylike was so important to my mother because she’s overcome a lot and coming out of it with the moral high ground was important to her.  Behaving properly and speaking well are markers of success, intelligence, and sophistication – my mother earned all those descriptions and it was important to her that her children acquire them as well.  To become ladies in the case of her daughters, and gentlemen in the case of her sons.

But I was there the day my mom broke.

When we were living on that tiny island in the Pacific, my father had achieved considerable rank in his career and with that came some perks.  We had designated parking spaces, respectful nods, and my mother was able to be a part of organizations with some prestige in the community, even rising to become the president of one.  One day she had to run some errands and pulling into a parking lot towards her designated spot, she accidentally cut someone off.

It was a man, who promptly lost it.  He started banging on his steering wheel, screaming obscenities that we couldn’t hear and culminated with lifting one hand and flipping my mother off.

And my mother, in her nice suit and pearls around her neck, sitting in her minivan with four children, with a lifetime of hard knocks behind her just looked at the guy.  Years later I’d still give anything to know what went through her head because I never saw what was coming.  I have no idea why this was the moment that snapped her, but apparently the time had come.  Her jaw tightened for a moment, she raised both her hands…and returned the gesture.  Double barreled.

All four kids stared at her.  The man, his jaw hanging open and his face draining of color as he recognized the markings on our car that indicated my father’s rank, faded in the rear view mirror as my mother turned into her designated parking.  And my mother, composure restored, shut off the car calmly in her spot before turning around in her seat to look at us.  “Never do that, children,” she said in precise, correct tones.  “It’s rude.”

Mum thinks that this “might not have been her best mothering moment,” though I disagree.  All four of us kids still speak of that day in hushed tones, it was that earth shattering and awesome.  Without a doubt, even at the height of our teenage angst and parent despising, every last one of us respected Mum for this out-of-character act.  She somehow became more human, less image conscious, taller, braver, and far more imposing in that moment than we had ever given her credit for.  In spite of what we knew she’d gone through in her life, there were suddenly sides to our mother we realized we didn’t know, and we knew that wherever they were hiding, we didn’t want to mess.

Well behaved women might not get angry, fight back, or use bad language… but then again they might and it’s okay, no one is going to revoke your pearls.  In fact, some people might even grudgingly admire you.  Good girls don’t raise both fists to the skies, but I learned in one spectacular moment that sometimes…just occasionally Ladies do.

Humor, Linkstorm, Weekend

Friday Links LVI

It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold: when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade.
~ Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

It is worth noting that our landlords are nothing like this.
It is worth noting that our landlords are nothing like this.

Hectic week – our landlord transferred our building’s management out from underneath us.  We found out with three days in which to figure out whom to pay rent to.  That’s been fun.  We might at least get a functional kitchen light out of it since our old managers, while very nice, were terrible at actually managing.  I tried storytelling in public for the first time, and it was a blast – post on it coming!  Worked on the MP.  Training replacement at work – angst inducing, but onward, ever onward.

This weekend I plan on continuing the battle against the blahs with some late winter sunshine, editing a manuscript of a friend as she preps it for querying (go Catriona!), and more MP work.  Here are your links, kittens:

Award for best news story title of the week goes to…

People.  Inherently decent.

Technological progress, for all that smartphones are still a brave new world to me, I never long to go back to these times.  Although I might have been one of those sly ladies who just sat and listened to the lines all day for dirt.

Ugh.  (h/t Caitlin Kelly)

How do you date the oral storytelling tradition?  Pretty cleverly.

Brew yourself a custom perfume – brilliant!  I’ve been wearing the same scent for a decade now…and I’m actually feeling like it’s time to turn over old loyalties and find something new.  I feel treacherous just typing that!  Lady minions, do you have a perfume family you prefer?

Norwegians splitting hairs over splitting logs.

Very important for you young, budding cryptozoogists.

I now long to live in a Spite House – emotional architecture!

The weekly sheep is very happy to see you!

Humor, Work

Resignation to Reinvigorated

“I can imagine no more comfortable frame of mind for the conduct of life than a humorous resignation.”
– W. Somerset Maugham

Picture: a man with a good reason to feel unequal to his tasks and tired. Not pictured: me, grumbling about going to the gym. (via)
Picture: a man with a good reason to feel unequal to his tasks and tired. Not pictured: me, grumbling about going to the gym. (via)

The Pope’s resigning today (something with only semi-historical precedent that makes medieval history buffs like me giddy with the newness and compels us to dive into dry tomes for more information).  I’ve decided today to resign something as well… the month of February.  Retire it.  Let is sink slowly into a life of contemplation and ring in the new month with pomp.

February was rough this year.  The usual blah-ness of winter combined with a lot of stress at work, mixed with a bad case in particular, a dash of unpleasant surprise with our landlords, and just a soupcon of perpetual grumpiness meant that I spent Februrary cranky.  Some years I get a touch of Seasonal Affective Disorder and I think I came down with it in January and February.  What’s more I allowed myself to become discouraged and glum, which is a hard cycle to break when it’s freezing cold and dark outside.

No more!  I’m diving into Mad March Hare-ness with abandon!

Tonight I have a ticket to hear an academic and personal hero speak.  I have a new game plan for some personal projects that aren’t paying out just yet, but I already feel much better about.  I’m shuffling off some the easy selfishness I’ve fallen into and helping out some friends.  I’m not eating ice cream for dinner.  Progress already, I feel.

Speak up minions, what’s a good way to counteract discouragement and the winter blues?

Humor, Work

Working It

“Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.”
— J.M. Barrie

via
via

I’m putting together some pieces about what I’ve learned from some of the less typical aspects of my current job as it winds to a close, but it struck me that as I’m gearing up for a new job (hopefully a career) in the near future, I’m already getting some insights into the brave new world of post-university employment.

Working on the Mysterious Project in particular (still secret, details coming soon) has been eyeopening.  It’s been a crash course from an insider on the nitty gritty details of an industry I hope to work in some day in some capacity.  It’s absolutely invaluable, frankly a lot of fun, and if I could do it full time I would in a heart beat…but it’s also giving me a view into how a lot of the world works and the findings have been surprising.

My day job can be roughly described as being the “exclusive personal assistant” to forty separate people, in addition to day to day operations for the department.  I’m constantly juggling priorities, assignments, and shifting duties.  The job I have now is not the job I was hired four years ago to do in a lot of ways.  But in spite of almost constant upheaval (between big cases and department crises), every email is answered and every phone message is returned.  It’s not even an option for me not to.

Working on the MP means constant phone calls and emails – and I have been shocked at how few are responded to.  My prior internships and jobs (NATO, and International Student Services, even research assistant!) all required quick turn around time and explicit acknowledgement of messages.  I didn’t realize that some professions didn’t have that same expectation!  It’s aggravating in the extreme to hear, “Oh yeah, I got that a month ago but I haven’t got around to it yet,” when I’m holding myself to a policy of same day (preferably same hour) response time.

The day job also requires pretty concrete time frames.  “C., I need this done by X day to be ready for Y court date.”  On it.  “C., this project takes priority over everything else until it’s done.”  Understood.  “This isn’t a big deal, but could you tell me when you could have it done by?”  “I will have this to you by end of day/week.”

I was assured an answer to a question last Friday for the MP.  Nearly one week later, nada.  They’ve now assured me I’ll probably hear something this week, but I’m not confident at all they’ll do so without more follow up from me.

Work on the other side of the police department counter is going to be alright.  More than alright, I’m really looking forward to it, but it’s been odd to see a completely different work paradigm from the one I’ve used and functioned in since I was 16.  It’s never convenient to realize that there are other operating systems out in the universe, it means you have to play catch up.  Luckily, I’m more than ready for the challenge!

Fashion, Humor

Let’s Play Dress Up

“You don’t make pictures for Oscars.”
– Martin Scorsese

I’m going to say it, I was blown away by how little I was blown away this year.  Once again, I was surprised to see how many of the presenters were better frocked than than the stars up for awards, quelle horreur!  As we speak stylists and assistants are cringing and bracing themselves for the Louboutins to come sailing at them.  Too many of the gowns were relatively colorless, and frankly more than a few people had major fit and styling issues – which means we have so much to talk about.  Grab your junk food of choice and tell me what you thought of the frocks!

The Good

JenniferLawrenceChristianDiorGoodNicoleKidmanLWrenScottGood
Jennifer Lawrence in Dior
Nicole Kidman in L’Wren Scott

Darkness and light!  The Dior was early in a long list of white, pale, blush, nude, and pastel dresses, but I think this was by far the best.  The fabric pattern give it some texture, and she looks as tall as an Amazon.  I personally loved the backwards necklace, very Old Hollywood.  Kidman brought some much needed va va voom to an otherwise fairly tame RC.

AmandaSeyfriedMcQueenGoodJessicaChastainArmaniGood
Amanda Seyfried in Alexander McQueen
Jessica Chastain in Armani

The pale frocks just keep rolling on.  The McQeen was actually a lovely lavender and the only issue I have with her is that her makeup matched the gown too much.  Chastain makes the cut because she frankly struggles on the RC (her baby blue boob monstrosity at the Golden Globes anyone?), and while I don’t love the color on her per se, I do love the color.  Hair and jewels are flawless.

CharlizeTheronDiorGoodNaomiWattsArmaniGood
Charlize Theron in Dior
Naomi Watts in Armani

“I’m sorry, did those other ladies forget to bring the drama?” I imagine Theron said to Watts as they stepped from their limos.  “That’s just fine, darling, because we’re here,” Watts said with a fabulous shoulder toss that nearly decapitated a wayward assistant.  Let’s just all be grateful that finally Dior came through because we all remember the assault in dress form Theron sported a couple years ago, finally la Dior juste!

FanBingbingMarchesaGoodJenniferAnnistonMaisonValentinoGood
Fan Bing Bing in Marchesa
Jennifer Aniston in Maison Valentino

Oh thank heavens, this thing was filmed after the invention of technicolor!  I have a couple of quibbles about the fit, but Fan Bing Bing is a glorious creature who wear things that mere mortals can’t – her chinoiserie inspired Cannes dress was magnificent, and she looks equally stunning her.  The styling is really lovely.  As for Aniston, I hated her hair but that deep red gown was really gorgeous.

The Meh

AmyAdamsOscardelaRentaMehSamantahBarksMaisonValentionGood
Amy Adams in Oscar de la Renta
Samantha Barks in Maison Valentino

Oh look…another pale gown…goody…  I foresee this being a debate dress: I don’t hate it but I don’t think it’s anything special at all.  Barks’ gown really is beautiful, and you can seldom go wrong with a good black gown…but it just seems a bit too (dare I say) dressed down?  I want it in my closet, but I don’t think I want it on the Academy Awards RC.

AdeleBurberryMehSandraBullockElieSaabBad
Adele in Jenny Packham
Sandra Bullock

Adele has a specific aesthetic that she seldom deviates from, with good reason, but I don’t think this is one of its best incarnations.  Sandra is wearing a vertical mullet, business on the top…what exactly is happening on the bottom?

AnneHathawayPradaMeh
Anne Hathaway in Prada

Anyone else surprised?  I was surprised.  She’s worn much better in her endless appearances running up to this shindig and her styling has been much better than this.  The detailing of the back, which you can’t see here unfortunately, bag and jewels are lustworthy but let’s run through the list of grievances: first of all another blush tone, second the hair just is not looking its best, and worst of all that seaming.  Anne Hathaway’s chest will be the Angelina Jolie’s leg of 2013, I fear.  As I understand, it already has a twitter account.

The Bad

ReeseWitherspoonLouisVuittonMehHelenHuntinH&MBad
Reese Witherspoon in Louis Vuitton
Helen Hunt in H&M USA

I’ve got the blues, minions.  I hate the side panels in the Vuitton, with a fiery passion.  And Helen…H&M belongs in the mall not on the RC.  Period.  The jewels are lovely but she looks badly fitted and rumpled.

OctaviaSpencerTadashiShojiBadKristenStewartreemAcraBad

Octavia Spencer in Tadashi Shoji
Kristen Stewart in Reem Acra

And now I’ve got the nudes – which isn’t nearly as fun as it sounds.  Octavia Spencer has a history and relationship with this house, but I think it they let her down a bit here.  Her gown last year was gorgeous, but frankly I’m getting mother of the bride now.  Doilies should never make it past the front door.  And I have a sneaking suspicion that there is a waterfall of tulle down Stewart’s backside, which I decidedly disapprove of.

JenniferHudsonRobertoCavalliBad
Jennifer Hudson in Roberto Cavalli

Hudson – NO.  Whoever did you hair needs to drummed out of the guild immediately.  I can see nothing else until that is fixed!

And the Ugly

JaneFondaMaisonValentinoBadSallyFieldMaisonValentionBad

Jane Fonda in MaisonValentino
Sally Field in Maison Valentino.

You two clearly have some commiserating to do do over how your stylists should be sacked.  We’ll leave you to it.  Valentino committed more than a few atrocities this year, in my opinion, and no amount of Samantha Barks can redeem these.

MelissaMcCarthyDavidMeisterBad
Melissa McCarthy in David Meister

Kill it with fire!  I think gray is an undervalued color and actually makes her skin and hair color look great, but the fit is really not good, she needed something much more tailored to her figure.  And, darling, your hair stylist has a grudge against you.

My Personal Favorite:

StacyKeiblerNaeemKhanbest
Stacy Kiebler in Naeem Khan

That is some fabulous art deco going on and I approve mightily.

Humor, Linkstorm, Weekend

Friday Links LV

“On Friday night, I was reading my new book, but my brain got tired, so I decided to watch some television instead.”
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

And, contrary to the general spirit of someecards.com, I mean it sincerely!
And, contrary to the general spirit of someecards.com, I mean it sincerely!

A week where you have to work over a holiday is never the best, especially when it’s a particularly sad case.  But rejoice, minions, because Sunday is that special night where we curl up in pajama pants, eat snack food, and get judgey about sartorial choices: the Small Dog Annual Oscar’s Gown Rundown (fifth installment now…yikes) rides again!   Will legs pop out of their sockets and get their own Twitter accounts?  What trends will cause the most hand wringing/adulation?  Will Peregrine ever forgive me for hating on Louis Vuitton last year?  Tune in!

I need these bookmarks.

I got lazy, compassionate, loyal, and witty.  (Sometimes, I try to be, damn straight and hopefully.)

Much needed I feel.  Margot always uses a certain symbol in her online interactions when she’s being sarcastic to avoid misunderstandings, which seems to help.

You couldn’t pry my emerald engagement ring from my finger if you tried, but I think that any of these would make stunning wedding rings.  Eclectic but somehow classic, I feel, and gorgeous!

Shoots like this undoubtedly give me unrealistic expectations of future London living, but it’s pretty all the same.  I also follow her blog [Aspiring Kennedy] and she’s got excellent travel tips and adventure tales.

But for the height (laughably unattainable) I was born in the wrong decade…

Hilary Mantel, author of Wolf Hall and Bring Up the Bodies, both of which I highly recommend takes on the sanctity and vulgarity of royal bodies our our fascination with them.

Cats – walking across keyboards before there were keyboards.  I find this utterly charming.

Harrowing!

Hilarious!  (Hat tip Caitlin Jacobs.)

Interesting perspective on how Americans lean politically and why.

Minions are expected to report for judging (others, of course, we’d never judge you, dears) on Sunday night.  Here’s some homework in the meantime.

The (semi, at this point) weekly sheep.

 
Humor, Work

Things I’ve Learned in the Men’s Room

“One cannot spend one’s entire life running into bathrooms when danger calls!”
― Reif Larsen, The Selected Works of T.S. Spivet

imagesAs my time here at Noneofyourbusiness University PD winds down, I’ve got to thinking about what I’ve learned working here.  Sure my typing is faster than it’s ever been and I can set up last minute blood drives, but there are a lot of little things you pick up at a job that have nothing to do with your day to day responsibilities.  Here are some unexpected lessons I’ve learned dropping off and picking up laundry – which involves a lot of time in the men’s restroom.

  1. Knock first.  Some surprises aren’t pleasant.
  2. People take you largely at your own estimation.  I flat out frightened more than a few boys who wandered in and found me unexpectedly found me hanging gear on lockers, believe me I never thought it would become part of my job description either, but I learned that simply acting like you know what you’re doing is a great deterrent to questions and complaints.  I hope one day to test this theory by simply walking into a high security facility.
  3. Things are only strange until they become routine.  These days absolutely no one is surprised to see me going about my job in the bathroom, and the guys are all pretty laid back about it.  Life’s curveballs turn into your new reality pretty quickly, might as well learn to roll with the punches.  (And mix metaphors as necessary.)
  4. Dogsbody work is rough, and the people who do it should be appreciated.  I routinely lug 30+ lbs. of clothing around, the hangers have cut my hands, doors have slammed on me, and people (in misguided attempts to be funny) have neglected to hold doors when I’ve asked, in spite of the fact that I’m performing a service for them.  I hate it.  Which now means when I see somebody struggling with a hard task, the moral thing to do is lend a hand if I can.
  5. People will blame you for their own errors, like telling the Chief that you are responsible for their lost pants when they have been hanging in his home locker for weeks (I might take that anger to my grave).  It’s a fact of life.  Remember how grouchy it made you and try to make sure you’re never guilty of the same behavior.
  6. Find the humor.  It make be a thankless chore, but there’s nothing like the look on a seasoned, grizzled man’s face when you skip merrily out of the men’s room with a chipper, “Good morning!” to make it a little less onerous.
Humor, Life

Things You Might Not Know About Me

“I am not convinced that one ever knows quite enough to come down with a full condemnation.”
– Julian Fellowes, Snobs

Who Are You
via

I’ve had a surprising amount of recent encounters with people that ended with, “I didn’t think you’d be into that,” or some such variation (although for heaven’s sake, nothing sinister or scandalous!).  Even friends and coworkers with whom I’ve spent cumulative years in close proximity.  And it got me thinking about how readily all of us form ideas about even our close friends and how even lifelong mates can surprise us.  So here’s a few facts to add some nuance:

I really like science fiction.  Don’t let the pearls fool you.  I admit I’m not entirely up on the canon or all the great authors, but I genuinely enjoy the genre – for the same reason, as it happens, that I enjoy history.  Human nature and the human condition interest me.  History shows me that humanity has behaved in roughly the same way stretching back millennia, scifi shows me that as far as we can project we’ll be behaving the same ways millennia in the future.  Far from discouraging I find that a pleasant thought since I tend to view mankind as a sort of tenacious struggle, always upward.

My first recorded professional ambition was to be the first person to see a giant squid in the wild.

I have terrible handwriting.  I have boxes of notebooks kept through middle and high school, piles of scribbles and sketches, and my desk at work is a well organized but tightly packed mass of agendas, notes, and schedules – all handwritten.  I still prefer a small leather bound planner to an electronic calendar.  I write by hand all the time, and yet for all the practice my penmanship is dreadful.

I prefer salty and savory to sweet almost uniformly.

One of my personal disappointments is that I have a great relationship with my siblings but I don’t know them extremely well.  I moved out when my sister was six and she turns sixteen this year, and for the better part of those ten years we’ve lived on separate continent or on the opposite sides of one.  That’s ten years of inside jokes and stories that I simply am not privy to and only catch up on during holidays.

I know I have vivid dreams because I catch glimpses of them when I wake up, but I almost never can remember them.

Some girls have the knack for always looking finished and put together.  I always feel seconds away from terminal dishevelment and somehow no amount of effort seems to tame the flyaways.  I pretend not to care but I’m really self conscious about it and covet the easy polish of some women.

I love reading new books but my secret love is to reread favorites over and over again.  J. teases me about how I’ll read some novels a dozen times a year, but there are a select few I never get sick of.

I am a religious person often deeply at odds with my faith.  It’s sometimes a rough balancing act, but I think it makes me a more thoughtful person and more deliberate about life.  Which is what I think healthy religion is supposed to do, frankly, so in spite of the vexations, I’m okay with the struggle.

So, that’s me.  Minions roll call to the front, please, and tell me something about you that I probably don’t know.

Humor, PBS

We Are Not Amused (Downton Spoilers)

I have always believed that writing advertisements is the second most profitable form of writing.  The first, of course, is ransom notes…”
– Philip Dusenberry

PBS is delightfully clever in so many ways, but clearly no one ever sat them down and explained ransom during the training for those interminable fund drives:  you don’t kill the hostages first and THEN ask for money, dears.

Seriously?
Seriously?