Tag: Humor

Humor, Office, Work

Correction! Very, Very Dinted!

“Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery.”
– Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson

For the love of chocolate, kittens! Yesterday there was a lovely covering of white muffling everything. Today there is a sprawling death trap of white, hell bent on destroying your elders and devouring your young! J. had to dig out our car this morning and I was over half an hour late because we could only move at a crawl through unploughed streets. Wise was an hour late. Lots of people still haven’t showed up, several probably just won’t. Cars are getting stuck all over the place.

In spite of the weather we are throwing Wise’s baby shower today, but if it keeps coming down, I wouldn’t be surprised if the administration orders people home early.

The practical upshot in this mess is that trying to climb in the car from the wrong side, carrying Christmas presents and baby shower gifts, using my heels as ice picks for traction, and J. having to drop me off in the middle of a parking lot to wade through a foot of snow and slush…means that I finally got up the gumption to buy a decent pair of boots.

Holidays, Humor, Work

The Snow Lay…Not Dinted

“Where the snow lay round about, deep and crisp and even…”
– Good King Wenceslas

Dumplings!

That horrid cold is 99.5% vanquished, my Christmas shopping is 99.5% done, and I chopped off…ha!  Only about half of my hair.  I was feeling a change somewhat in advance of the new year so off it went, from mid-back to above my shoulders.

And so, I’m back at work and twiddling my thumbs because campus is vacant and covered in a soft, undisturbed cover of white (which is growing thicker by the hour).  There is very little do at work…and so much to do at home!  I could finish wrapping presents, be baking something, be working out to counteract all said baking.  I could be wrapped up in a blanket sipping tea and watching Christmas movies.  Yikes…on that note, I could do some of the laundry I’ve been avoiding all week…

Humor, Work

A Plague On You!

“First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.”
– Steve Martin

Small Dog is sick as a...nah. Bad pun.

I’ve been feeling under the weather for a few days now, kittens, but I was determined to not take any time off until the new year and so just tried to tough it out.  However at work today, all the girls up front, Hennessy, and Susie all said I looked a right mess, just like the plague victim I was desperately pretending not to be.  Round about lunchtime, I threw in the towel.

So I’m at home, with the chills, a very sore throat, and a massive headache.  Ick.

Holidays, Humor, Movies

Now Available On – VHS?

“Yes!   I bought it!  And I’m not sorry!”
– C.

There are two Christmas films that were highly important to my childhood that have yet to be made into DVDs, and look likely never to be.  They are too old, too somewhat obscure.  Luckily at this festive time of year, as I scour the internet to find presents I invariably trip over treasures.

Most of the performances I’ve seen of The Nutcracker have been fairly typical: by area companies of mediocre to good skill, highly traditional, etc.  I’d have to throw you over to Scarlett for an in depth critique of the various productions and recommendations (living as she does in New York).  But my family has an old VHS sitting quietly on a shelf, taken down but once a year so it lasts longer.  This VHS is Nutcracker, the Motion Picture, and it is my definitive adaptation.  It gets played from time to time on PBS, but that’s not nearly enough for me.

What’s not to love?  Maurice Sendak provided production design!  Patricia Barker danced the role of Clara!  It’s a stunner of a film and required holiday viewing chez Small Dog.  If and when this is finally moved to DVD format, I’ll be the first in line, but in the meantime I found a killer deal for a nearly new copy on amazon.com and practically sprained my fingers in my frenzy to order it.  Everyone should own it, in my opinion, but in the meantime if you’re feeling festive and cheap, you can watch it on Hulu.

My other, more obscure little guilty pleasure is an old live action version of Beatrix Potter’s The Tailor of Gloucester (which I personally believe is one of best Christmas stories).  It stars Ian Holm as the tailor, with Thora Hird as the Mayor’s housekeeper, and even a young (gangly, awkward, with no hint of his future attractiveness) Jude Law.  This is so rare it will run you up to $80 or more…unless you haunt eBay the way I did!  I scored it for $2, and except for some shelfwear on the box, the tape is fine.

There’s no hope of this ever being made into a DVD, it was a made-for-TV production back in the 80’s.  For lack of another term, it was made cheaply.  It’s for young children.  It’s old.  And it’s completely charming and necessary for my household.

Disclaimer: yes I know magic machines exist that can convert VHS to DVDs and there is a very important reason why I haven’t employed them: I’m lazy.  Plus, recall what happened last time I used one?

Home, Humor

Presenting My Lord and Lady…Beepington?

“Beep beep!
– Roadrunner

My Lord and Lady Stompington are long gone, but the creaky floors above us remain.  Our newer neighbors, whom we have never actually met have their own quirks (including loud, ahem, conjugal activity.  And even more inexplicably, always vacuuming directly after said activity.  We still haven’t figured that one out) but by and large we prefer them to the clay-footed, bowling ball dropping, riverdancing jerks who went before.  But yesterday they almost lost their Small Dog Family stamp of approval.

While J. worked on finals, projects, etc. yesterday, I was busy being a phenomenal wife.  I cleaned the whole flat and did two loads of laundry… and nearly went completely round the twist before noon.

Hi!

Because the smoke alarm in the flat above us apparently needed its battery changed, it beeped precisely every thirty seconds.  All day long.  For the first hour or so I tried vainly to locate it, pressing my ears to the walls and moving incrementally about the apartment with me head cocked to the ceiling.  The second hour I paced in circles fuming and pondered angrily as to why the neighbors didn’t shut the blasted thing off.  The third hour I lay on the couch, waiting to switch out laundry loads, and glared upwards.  It didn’t shut off until nearly 9pm at night.  You may imagine my wrecked mental state at the time.

Humor, Work

Annnnd They’re Back

“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
~Dudley Moore

I really should know better…It’s like the “Q Word,” no sooner do I relate the dullness of the season to you, then a report scuttles across my desk.

At our last home football game, we had police officers from four departments, the county sheriff’s department, and all of our student employees to direct traffic, conduct security checks, etc.  This is pretty much standard operating procedure, and certainly nothing new.  All of our kids are highly trained to do all of these jobs and have been doing so for some years now.

However on this day one gentleman, deciding he was going to drive against traffic and in the opposite direction a student officer was directing him, squealed out of a lot.  He endangered dozens of pedestrians, made a dangerous nuisance of himself, and when the student got in front of him to stop him, he hesitated, and then hit him with his car.  One of our full time police officers saw this happen and dashed over to help, ordering the driver out of the car.  At which point he purposefully hit her with the car, severely damaging her knees!

Luckily for us, the entire incident was caught on the camera of a highway patrolman.  As I understand it, there are both surgeries and charges pending.  The icing on the cake, his reasoning!

Lt. Rhoades, “He said our kid wasn’t a police officer and therefore couldn’t tell him what to do and was in his way.”
Me with a slow blink, “So hit him.  With a car.”
Lt. Rhoades, “Apparently.”
“Me, “And what, exactly, then was his reason for hitting an actual police officer?”
Lt. Rhoades, “That doesn’t seem to have been worked out yet.”

Be ye therefore comforted, minions, people are back to behaving like themselves again!

Humor, University, Work

Stress and Other Fractures

“The pain of the mind is worse than the pain of the body.”
– Publius Syrus (a chap who clearly didn’t know me)

You may have noticed, my gingerbread darlings, that I’ve not shared any good work stories with you of late.  There is a reason for that.

At this festive time of year on a university campus, the population is so collectively panicked about exams, projects, end of term presentations, and juggling the upcoming holiday that they are too harried to commit crimes.  Ergo, life at the police department is fairly mundane.  Wait until the week of Christmas itself when Hennessy and I will likely be the only ones here…you may be hearing from me hourly to alleviate boredom.

However, you will be happy to know that even though the human race is letting you down by not acting like its usual silly self, your faithful Small Dog still plugging away for your entertainment.  While work is full of  disappointingly well behaved people, I am as klutzy as ever.

J. has been staying up until 3 every morning finishing those crisis inducing assignments we just discussed and I haven’t been feeling well so last night we grabbed some takeaway dinner.  Charged with guarding this precious bundle I stooped to swing myself into the car…and promptly saw stars as my head collided with doorway.

McQueen shoes: made to cause C. to drool. And die. Horribly.

In my defense, high heels throw me off; I always wear very high ones to counteract my, ah, non-height, and I don’t always calculate things like car doors (or stairs, or how much further I have to fall after tripping, etc.) very well.  Yes, even after nearly a decade wearing them, shut up.  All told, I have a dirty great whacking lump on my head this morning and a bit of a headache.

I do it for you, my loves.

Humor

A Break From Our Regularly Scheduled Christmas Programing:
“Dresses, I find, are impractical in social situations, but I enjoy wearing them a great deal on stage. “
– Brian Molko

My darling ladies dancing/lords a-leaping: please someone explain how my clothes are defying physics and gravity today!

I’m wearing a pretty knit dress with tights and boots, an outfit I’ve worn dozens and dozens of times.  And as things often do in such ensembles, various items of clothing are doing a bit of shifting.  Normally this is manageable, but please.  Please explain why suddenly my tights are struggling to stay up while my slip has maneuvered its way up to my rib cage.  Twice.  It’s a miracle I haven’t endangered my job or offended some little old lady beyond repair with a major wardrobe malfunction!

Really, C.! You're just embarassing yourself.
Holidays, Humor

St. Nicholas Day

“Tradition!”
– Fiddler on the Roof

I have utterly failed!  I completely spaced buy goodies to put in J. and my shoes this morning…

What sort of pathetic excuse for an international am I?!

Anyone else out there celebrate St. Nicholas Day?  Or have any fun traditions for Advent?  Growing up we always put up the family tree on the first Monday in December and left it up until Epiphany.  J.’s family always goes to the zoo on Christmas Eve, this will be my first year tagging along.  Your turn, my little French hens, share!

Try not to imagine this guy dropping down your chimney, eh?
Holidays, Humor, Music

Sing, Choirs of Angels!

“Christmas is more than a time of carols, cards and candy; it is a season of dedication and decision.”
– William Arthur Ward

If you were to open my Christmas Music folder in iTunes, a quick scroll downward would tell you something else about my holiday tastes: apart from being a “purist” I’m also a traditionalist.

You won’t find Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, Let it Snow, or White Christmas.

What you will find is The Cambridge Singers, Hereford Cathedral Choir, and a smattering of various monastery choirs.

You will hear Good King Wenceslas, The Cherry Tree Carol, Adeste Fideles, quite a bit of Handel, Angels We Have Heard on High, Quem Pastores Laudevere, and my very favorite The Sussex Carol.

Mum and used to sing Fum Fum Fum, while baking Christmas treats.  The whole clan, if in a silly mood, could try the Hallelujah Chorus, blissfully murdering time and tune.

Like so many other good things, though, even Christmas songs can’t be taken too seriously.  Because, traditionalist I may be, but dour faced pillar of tradition I am not!