Category: Humor

Friends, Humor, Shopping, Working Out September 28, 2009September 28, 2009

The Quickest Weight Loss Trick Ever

“Come on, you heifer! What does not kill us makes us hotter!”
-Legally Blonde, The Musical

3316_picture_of_a_wornout_woman_on_a_treadmill After two months out of commission, I am back at the gym with Venice. And I mean it this time. Why? Because Ven has imposed the mother of all weight loss incentives: no shopping until we hit our target weights.

This means no new cardies, boots, hats, tights, trousers, jackets, NOTHING. And Fall is upon us, THE season for the best and cutest of clothes. You want to see a pair of wannabe recessionistas whip it into shape? Dangle their credit cards in front of them while they huff and puff on a treadmill.

Humor, Stupid People, Work September 24, 2009November 4, 2009

Typical Thursday, Part II

(Transcript of actual conversation that took place over the phone, ten minutes after we were done with Angry Law Student)

Caller: Hi this is ______, and I have a question for you.
C: How can I help you?
Caller: I’m wondering what it would take to get a parking permit for a horse on campus.
C: …I’m going to need a bit of background info on that question, sir…
Caller: Well, we’re trying to recruit this guy for the swim team and he loves his horses. So I jokingly told him we could get him a parking permit so he could ride his horse to school, and he really seemed interested. So, can I get him a permit or what do I need to do?
C: …Sir, you can’t park a horse anywhere. It’s a living animal.
Caller: Can’t he just tie to a bikerack or something? All we need is the permit.
C: Sir, I can’t issue you a motor vehicle permit for a horse!
Caller: Oh really! I want you to check with your supervisor, right now!
C: Yes, sir.

(Puts caller on hold and calls Lt. Figaro. Meanwhile Hennessy and Officer Lampost are cracking up just hearing my end of the conversation)

C: Figaro, I have a gentleman on the phone who would like to park a horse on campus.
Figaro: I beg your pardon?
C: Just what I said. Please tell me the answer is no, so I can relay the message.
Figaro: Of course it’s no! We don’t have the place for it…who would clean up after it!
C: I’m glad that’s our priority here, but I’ll let him know.

"The 'neighs' have it?" Oh come now, C, you're not going to pull that pun, are you?

C: Sir, I spoke with the lieutenant, and the answer is most definitely no.
Caller: But why not?!
C: Because we don’t have an equestrian program here, which means we don’t have the facilities, equipment, tack, food, or pasturing for it.
Caller: Not even to a bikerack?
C: Tying it to a bikerack for hours at a time in the desert summer or the winter blizzards is not an option, sir.
Caller: But I’ve seen horses on campus before!
C: We bring a single pony onto campus one day a year for a demonstration in equine therapy for the physical therapy students, and you may have seen police on horseback for holiday parades or football games, but that isn’t with our department. We don’t have an equestrian police force.
Caller: So what am I supposed to tell our recruit?
C: I have no idea, sir.
Caller: No horse?
C: Absolutely no horse, sir.
Caller: Humph! Well thanks for nothing.

*click*

Drama, Humor, School, Stupid People, University, Work September 24, 2009November 3, 2009

Typical Thursday, Part I

“Angry people are not always wise.”
-Jane Austen

A law student came into the office today, demanding more parking for graduate students. With the new parking system, still not completely patched and just limping along, lots of students have been taking advantage of the absence of usual oversight by parking wherever they want: handicapped stalls, dean and administrator lots, etc. Which means that when (and if) this new system starts functioning properly, a whole lot of people are in for a nasty surprise. I forsee the university setting up a new scholarship fund out of the proceeds, but I digress.

We apologized for the inconvenience and said it should be corrected in a month, but that did no good. As Lt. Figaro explained the policy regarding each of her complaints, she kept changing her argument and problem until she was eventually asking for us to build new parking, or take parking away from other people to give to graduate students.
“We already have about one parking space per three grad students and special lots for you,” Figaro said, wearily, “as opposed to one in five for the rest of our students.”
“But we need more!”

“Ma’am,” I said, “we have thousands of students currently attending, plus several thousand more faculty, staff, administrative, service personnel, and contractors who come to this school everyday. Plus there is another university in the next city over. This area was never meant to accomodate nearly XXX thousand extra people, city planning hasn’t kept up with it in the past two generations. You’re asking us for space that we cannot give you, because it literally does not exist.”
“But I spent forty-five minutes circling that parking lot to find a space yesterday!”
“Well,” offered Figaro, “did you try parking at the basketball arena or football stadium and walking?”
She gasped in outrage, “All that way?!”

Family, Home, Humor, Life, Marriage September 23, 2009September 24, 2009

Married Alive

“So, you liking married life?”
“No.”
(awkward pause)
“Wait! I mean, I love being married to J. but being married itself is hard!”
“K…”
-Daae and C., who was not paying proper attention to the question

If we're being honest, though, let's admit that as long as we're not at this point, we're doing rather well!

Now, my other young married girl friends, back me up (especially us breadwinners Angel, Jane, Venice, Daae, and the rest of you!), it was a bit of an adjustment when someone took Beyonce’s advice and put a ring on it, wasn’t it? There are dozens of variations on this theme, but they all involve trading total independence for total inter-dependence and that, my dears, is no easy feat!

See, everyone tells you that being married is work and tries to warn you, but nothing prepares you for the reality of factoring in another human being into every decision you make. And nothing can even hope to brace you for the blow that comes from being utterly independent (parents in another country, never asking for money, graduating, travelling, etc., all on one’s own), and then being the sole supporter of a newly minted family!

No more sharing bills with flatmates, extra money now goes towards feedings this guy (who eats approximately 56 times as much as you do, rough estimate), and say goodbye to nearly all your free time! Lunch breaks for me ever since we got married have been spent running errands, getting my name changed on everything imaginable, and putting him on my various policies. Evenings are spent shuttling us around to our various commitments, and I’m the only chauffeur as J.’s ability to drive a manual aren’t up to par. On top of which, the flat, cable, electricity, gas, car, insurance, and only full-time job we’ve got is all on my head. And laundry, because J. hates it (which is ok, because I flat out refuse to touch dirty dishes).

Much to my chagrin, this look usually makes J. laugh. Which is odd, because I've found to be very effective in other aspects of my life...but my husband think's it's hilarious. — Much to Small Dog's chagrin, this look usually makes J. laugh. Which is odd, because I've found to be very effective in other aspects of my life...but my husband think's it's hilarious.

Occasionally I get stressed out/mildly resentful of all this change slapped on at once. Busiest time of year at work, J. starting his program (which is one of the top ranked in the country) and therefore falling off the planet, and adjusting to living with a new spouse, with all the curious incidents that entails.

But I am fortunately/unfortunately married to a person who absolutely understands the way my busy little mind works. So when the stress gets to be too much, J. cracks a joke or makes a rather ill-timed comment, and I turn freezingly silent for hours/days while I try to reign in my temper…as soon as I emerge from my little nuclear winters, J. can say, “I understand,” and I know he means it.

Fashion, Humor, Short September 18, 2009September 19, 2009

OK, Fashion/Self Esteem/Weight Control Gods, I Hear You Already!

“A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips. I think I’m feeling a little fullness!”
-Absolutely Fabulous

Nothing reminds you that you haven’t been to a gym in nearly three months like going to a seamstress to get the new trousers you bought mere weeks ago tailored to meet your exacting petite standards…only to find that you maybe aren’t as petite as could be desired, girth-wise.

“What do you need?” she growled.
I put on a bright smile and help up three pairs of trousers. “Just some hemming.” The glare intensified so I actually stuttered, “Unless you’re booked, I could try someplace else-”
“When you need by?” came the rumbling demand.
“Oh, whenever you get done with them,” I said meekly while my alter ego Small Dog looked down from on high and howled in embarrassment for my lack of spine.
“Not ’til mid October!” she snarled.
“Ok,” I smiled, heart wilting at the thought of my lunch break wasted, and turned towards the door when she waved a hand towards the changing room.
“No! In there! Put them on!”
I was going to say that I had already measured and knew that I just needed two inches off…but I thought better of it and obediently trudged into the room to strip.

It was then that I noticed that the trousers seemed a bit tight, but ever the (cautious) optimist, I chalked it up to bad lighting. Then I fastened the first pair around myself, looked at my reflection, and blanched.

Now, to explain. I’m short (duh!) but I also have no waist. Well I do, but there’s only an inch and a half between my ribs and my pelvis, as if someone took me by the feet and head and scrunched. Therefore I’ve got the same organs, skin, and…er…other bits that normal women have but all compressed and with no where exactly to go but…out. Diet and exercise keeps everything in place, but as I said before I haven’t been a gym bunny for some months now.

And friends, out everything has come.

Having tumbled down a well of despair (actually, having formulated a ruthless plan of attack incorporating carrot sticks and dragging a hapless Venice along to the gym with me as a workout buddy) I stepped back out to face the dragonish woman crouched menacingly on her stool by the unforgiving three-way mirror.

“Where are you from?” she growled, trying to make small talk while she thumped around her shop for measuring tape and pins.
“Here for the last few years. My family is in England.”
The dour look started to slide off her face as she happily declared she was from Ukraine. I gulped and nodded as she whipped the tape around me in twenty directions. But the day was saved when she measured me head to toe.
“Just under five feet! You are same height as my daughters!”

From then on we were pals.

Now to reacquaint myself with the gym, because I don’t think I can go through this ordeal again to have anything taken out!

Drama, Fashion, Humor, Work September 15, 2009November 3, 2009

Fabulous

“Oh…WOW…the eyebrows…”
“Nothing about those things are ok…”
-Hildegarde and C.

No, your friendly neighborhood Small Dog hasn’t shuffled off this mortal coil…she only wishes she had.

In my quest for all knowledge about U.S. Law Enforcement, and deep and abiding passion for all things criminal (the first part was sarcastic…the second not as much), I am being subjected to…I mean fortunately able to attend training with Hennessy and Hildegarde. None of us are particularly thrilled because Hildegarde has to be “trained” to use a database she’s been using for years, and Hennessy and I have to go to learn how to use the system to run background checks on people. However, due to some things we learned this morning, Hennessy and I are worried that we aren’t going to legally be able to use this system to run the kind of background checks Chief and Sgt. M want us to. In fact such a use of this system seems to bring snarling FBI agents down like locusts.

However, in spite of my grumblings there are the odd perks of an all-day-three-day training meeting in the city. The first is obviously that I get out of the office for nearly a week, the second is that with travel time tacked on I’m getting all sorts of overtime, third is getting to wear jeans on the clock, and the last is the comedic value of the instructors!

I am not even close to joking. Can you imagine this a bit more Queen-ed up? That's our man!

Metro Marko, as he is apparently named (I overheard a conversation), and his wife are expecting their first kid any second now. However, and I jest not, the first time I clapped eyes on him I could have sworn he was a drag queen. It wasn’t the tightness of the clothes, the painstakingly coiffed hair, or even the facial features (though they are suspect). This man has eyebrows more finely plucked than my own, which lent him a Spock a la Nathan Lane in The Birdcage air.

And in continuing poor fashion choices news, our other instructor has the Jon and Kate + – ⅝ √ Ω ∞ 8 mom haircut. She’s trying to grow it out so she’s managed to make the reverse mullet look even worse. She screams everything, especially her jokes, and says the same thing several times in a row. Much to the class’ amusement!

All in all, the true downside of this class has been discovering that I’m nearly a month late in registering my car. Blast!

Drama, Humor, School, Stupid People, University, Work September 10, 2009November 3, 2009

The American School System Has Failed When…

“These are not spirit fingers. These are spirit fingers!”
-Bring It On (one of them. This franchise seems to be doing the Land Before Time thing…what number are we on now?)

A request for privileged parking came through to Red and the girls at parking (still muddling through a hopelessly ridiculous new system) written thus:
“I am a cheerleader and therefore require parking closer to campus. Shouldn’t I be able to park in [names area reserved for administrators and faculty]? It’s really important for me to be able to get to school easily.”

Diagnosis – left secondary education with tragically skewed self perception, grossly underdeveloped logic faculties, and gravitional-force-altering sense of self importance. Good job tired cliches and cliques.

There’s a whole website devoted to such mayhem, here it is for your viewing pleasure!

Books, Home, Humor September 9, 2009September 9, 2009

I Could Never Be a Librarian…

“I cannot live without books.”
-Thomas Jefferson

We bought (another) bookshelf some time ago but just got it secured to a wall in our office a couple nights ago. It was nine thirty in the evening and we were both exhausted, but I pulled almost all our books out to reorganize them to use all that glorious additional space we’d acquired. Not as easy as you might think.

Should I sort alphabetically? If so, by title or author? What about by color of book cover? Size? Hardback vs. Paperback? Topic? Gah! What was a bibliophile to do?

toomanybooks I eventually decided on chronology, starting with Homer, Virgil, and Beowulf (remember how I majored in European Studies with an emphasis on literary history?…) working my way through Geoffrey of Monmouth, Dante, and Petrarch, and got on rather well until I butted into the sixteenth century. I stared down at my copy of The Other Boleyn Girl and then frowned at the space it should go for a while before setting it down in a new pile. I could not, in good conscious, wedge it between Sir Thomas More and John Donne. I didn’t even get a full century ahead of that before I ground to a halt again. Rousseau, Voltaire, Manon Lescaut, Les Liaisons Dangereuses, and…The Scarlet Pimpernel? Hm, a better fit than the Boleyn Girl, but still didn’t seem quite right.
“Are these supposed to go in order of subject matter or when they were written?” I demanded of J. as he obligingly carted books around the flat for me.
“I have no idea what you’re doing,” he returned, disappearing into the office with my anthologies, essays, and critical works.
“Me neither!”

The same problem with C. S. Lewis, as well as the fact that I have works from him that fall both in fantasy and theology, neither genre had previously featured. I tucked The Chronicles of Narnia with my science fiction, Lois McMaster Bujold and Douglas Adams…and then realized I had no idea where any of them should go chronologically! “A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away” didn’t necessarily come after post-modernism in my mind. And what about all my academic books, J.’s philosphy and textbooks?

I finally got it all sorted, but with an additional bookshelf not all of the available space is used. Which means of course a run to the campus bookstore (hurrah for employee discounts!) and Barnes and Noble is in order!

Humor, School September 8, 2009

Take Me Out to the Ball Game

“Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take off their shirts in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.”
-Dave Barry

funny-pictures-cat-intercepts Having grown up in places where “football” meant something very different from it does here, as well as having parents that never really followed sports, meant I was unprepared for American Football when I came to the western United States for university. Jane, my first roommate in the dorms, convinced me to by a student all season ticket so that I could go to the games with her, but I wasn’t thrilled at the prospect.
“It’s the stupidest concept,” I whined, “a bunch of guys get into lines and run into each other on purpose! What’s the point?”
Nevertheless Jane painted my face, made me buy the appropriately colored tee shirt, and on game day we hiked to the university stadium. Half an hour later I was screaming just as loudly as anyone else.

I’ll never be converted to the NFL (although I’ve developed a taste for Superbowl parties…or maybe just the snacks…) because I think that people who get paid obscene amounts of money to get a ball from Point A to Point B, the methods vary, have a severely warped sense of reality. But I have grown to love collegiate sports for the rivalries, the solidarity, and the love of the game.

The only problem I have with my university’s football games is that my favorite coat is the color of our fiercest rivals. So I do the logical thing. Freeze. I’m officially one of the faithful.

Humor, Marriage September 4, 2009September 4, 2009

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

“My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!”
-Henry Youngman

Unlike many people, J. and I did not live together before we got married which, besides other learning curves, presented us with an amusing problem: learning to share a bed. I lived in our flat alone for months before the wedding and so, after years of university dorm room or ghetto student housing mattresses, I justifiably learned quickly to sleep in the middle of our/my shiny new queen size. Arms stretched wide just because I could. Not so handy when your new over-a-foot-taller-than-you husband moves in!

Nearly every morning one of us delivers a laundry list of blunt trauma accusations to the other. “You kneed me at three in the morning!” “How, exactly did you manage to wake up on the other side of the bed?” “You nearly butted me out of bed, I woke up looking at the the floor.” “Where’d you think I got that bruise from?” “You elbowed me in the face!” etc…

Apart from the normal co-habitation hazards, there’s a new threat. J. has either developed a creative (i.e. sadistic) way to get me up in the morning, or has simply forgotten to turn off his phone alarm. See, my alarm wakes me up to the soothing sounds of Madeleine Peyroux or Adele. J.’s phone alarm sounds, to my sleep foggy ears, like a nuclear attack warning.

Small Dog spazzes, and J. wonders about this creature he married.

However I feel as though I have had the last laugh. Three days ago, when this awful sound catapulted me into wakefulness for the first time, I sort of panicked. And by panicked, I mean flailed. The act of which got J. soundly punched. I felt badly afterwards…a long time afterwards because, being the antithesis of a morning person, a tiny part of my morning-hating soul wanted to believe he deserved it.

Small Dog Syndrome