Tag: Humor

Health, Humor

Cutting Cutting Corners. And Ice Cream.

“This just in!  The secret to weight loss revealed: eat less, move more!”
– a friend’s Facebook status

Despite that three day nosedive into blissful sloth and inactivity, I’ve been doing rather well on the health end recently.  See, I’ve finally learned some of the keys to weight loss and exercise – none of them revolutionary to anyone with a functioning brain, but helpful nonetheless.

Principle the First: Garbage in, garbage out.  I’ve hit my mid-twenties and my metabolism has hit the wall, which makes me want to hit things.  Lots of hitting, but I digress.  I now understand why Mum eats large salads and few deserts, this dizzying cocktail of hormones that is feminine existence means that small things will have big effects on my system.  If I eat junk food I will feel awful.  Period.  Plan meals accordingly.

Principle the Second: exercise will trim the fat, not the skeleton.  I will never again go through the cycle of wanting to be thinner, working my bum off for months, and then throwing myself down a well of despair when my ribcage hasn’t shrunk to give me a longer waist.  My skeleton isn’t going anywhere…but the underused muscle will tone up because –

Principle the Third: underneath this shell of laziness and love of caramel, I actually do have a pretty nice little figure.  Willowy?  No.  Slender?  Ha.  Hourglass and the hallmark of a different era?  Yes.  But with a little effort, fabulous.  However –

Principle the Fourth: all the potential in the world is wasted if I don’t actually do anything about it.  Therefore one must watch the calories and make sure the ones going in are good, indulge rarely, snack better, and work out everyday.

Result: I’ve lost 5lbs in two weeks.  And since this is in no way tied to New Year’s Resolutions, the urge to quit hasn’t reared its ugly head.

Humor, Life

Cat. Nap.

Sleeping is no mean art:  for its sake one must stay awake all day.  ~Friedrich Nietzsche

I unabashedly spent the three day weekend on the sofa bundled in a blanket, napping cat-like in a sunbeam, and watching PBS documentaries.  I only pried myself up to drive up north with J. to see a visiting dear friend, and yesterday to go get some much needed Indian food.  Then it was straight back to the sofa because I was worn out.  I should have cooked, cleaned, or done laundry, but I didn’t.

There is something about this time of year that makes me tired, not to say exhausted.  I feel sluggish and snappish – though, thank heaven, not depressed.  To boil it down, I feel like I need to hibernate and a nefarious someone or something is stopping me.  Jerk.

Humor, Life, Work, Working Out

A Long Winter’s Nap…Please?

“Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion… I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.”
– Kurt Vonnegut

My doves!  My beloveds!  My fuzziest of chinchillas, and cuddliest of kittens!  I have neglected you again and I throw myself on your mercy with an account of what exactly has been going on, that you will be more inclined to forgive my hideous inattention thereby.

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Last week was the first week of the new term and I was chained to my desk hiring and firing a double handful of students, and sending off about a million reports to various people and agencies.  Wise had her baby two weeks early, throwing Hennessy, Susie, and myself into a frenzy of reassigning duties, taking on new responsibilities, and (naturally) visiting the new baby.  Susie then threw herself onto the new year’s budget and has not emerged yet.  I’ve been working on projects with the investigators on a series of bizarre cases (drug addictions, bookstore thefts, and a mother who thinks her daughter is dating a murderer.  She’s not, by the way) and helping with a few projects to prep for an upcoming VIP visit.  Also a major art exhibition took up residence in our museum requiring an unbelievable amount of work.

I started working out again – in advance of the obligatory New Year gang bang of guilt, thank you very much – and my body is punishing me.  P90X yoga is not for the faint hearted, I can barely make it through the whole session without swearing/crying/having to be physically dragged away from leftover Christmas candy by J.

This week I have been enjoying being slowly consumed alive by paperwork, a couple of work scandals that I found particularly demoralizing, and good old fashioned exhaustion.  My sense of humor took a bit of a beating yesterday, but it’s nursing it’s bruises and we hope to be a full functioning snark capacity soon.

And you, ducklings?  How has the start of the year been treating you?

Humor, Shopping

Things I Want to Buy But Can’t

“It’s a horrible thing to have champagne taste and a soda budget.”
– Mum

I have to keep reminding myself that as fabulous as I am in my head, I still haven’t managed to finagle a book deal, become the mistress of some Italian magnate, or convince Society to sponsor me as a witty companion…ergo I am still poor.   Especially since I am still financially recovering from Christmas shopping for approximately thirty million people (and/or the items on my lust list are prohibitively expensive and I could never justify it):

Let's start with the most expensive and unnecessary shall we? Because I cannot have it.
An absolutely gorgeous print from Spanish artist Blanca Gomez, and which costs $12 just to ship. Which does not matter because I cannot have it.
Also comes in Navy, which is sold out of my size. But it doesn't matter because I cannot have it.
Holidays, Humor, Money

Money Honey

“Guys! Problem! I’m huge, I’m hurting people, and I’m misunderstood!”
“Just like the IRS!”
– The Fairly Odd Parents

Hello, darlings.  Did we all survive the late nights, vicious hangovers, and the guilt of (most likely) already breaking one or two resolutions?  Yes?  Excellent, sounds like you had a great holiday!

We went to a mocktail party at GS and GBIL’s place on New Year’s Eve and spent most of the weekend on the couch recuperating from late nights.  I was unaccountably grouchy, still riding the Birth Control roller coaster, but things look to be improving.  I’m old and tired at 24, pumpkins.

Now that we are emerging from the wreckage of a truly great holiday season, J. and I are taking stock.  Financially speaking this was a rough winter on us because we did Christmas and paid the (exorbitant, outrageous, soul-bleeding) fees for grad school applications all at the same time.  Higher Education is running a racket in this country – pay to apply, pay to get in, pay to register, fees, books, pay to graduate, pay to get copies of transcripts and/or diplomas, woof.  So we paid a small fortune to apply and, once we figure out where we’re going, we get to start the process of taking out loans to finance more school.

Ergo we’re filing taxes the moment that we can, got to build up our reserve again.  The goal is a healthy pile in our savings that we can live off of for the year J. is in his program.  That way we will only spend half of our lives and have to sell just one or two of our children to pay it off.  A good plan, n’est pas?

Family, Friends, Humor, Life

2010, We Hardly Knew Ye

“Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right.”
– Oprah Winfrey

A decade, dears.  There have been revolutions, wars, natural disasters.  There have been cures for diseases, leaps in technology, triumphs of humanity.  The iPod is approaching its 10th anniversary.  I’m 10 years on since starting high school…where does time go, exactly?

A big decade for me, all things considered.  Lots of good stuff happened, some bad as well but surprisingly little in comparison I find (which belies all my complaining, shhh).  My small galaxy of people had a pretty stellar year too.  Jane had to move three times in one year as she and her husband struggled with the economy, jobs, and life, but now they seem pretty settled (and much closer to me than California!).  Janssen had a lovely little girl.  Wise is about to follow Jannsen’s maternal lead any second now and her husband got a clerkship post that they are thrilled about.  Hennessy got married and bought a house.  Sav is graduating and her husband got into the grad school of his choice – hurray!  Venice moved (which I’m still not over) but it was the right choice for her and Val and they have a bright future ahead.  Peregrine also moved back to DC, has a fabulous job and a very special – but sadly top secret – project she’s working on.  Scarlett is in grad school in New York, dealing with personal demons (aren’t we all?) but doing so with her usual clear-eyed honesty and personal flair.  Angel got a great new job.  Margot is having some truly heinous battles in the teaching craft, but I’ve never seen her more awesome, (which, if you knew her, you would realize is a statement of gargantuan proportions).  Dad retired, Mum got a job teaching at university and they moved to the US to enjoy retirement (by which I mean, Dad flung himself into manual labor to turn a patch of East Coast backwoods into an estate).  Gio graduated high school and is on to uni himself.  Buddy and Snickers started at a new school in a new country and are doing swimmingly.

Next year will find J. graduated and off to grad school, goodness knows where.  Most likely we’ll be moving as all but one of the schools he’s applied to are in different states and/or countries.  2011 will be a year of adventures and I’m thrilled.  It’s been too long since I’ve had one.

Obligatory Goals:
Shop less.
Eat better.
Save more.
Exercise longer.
Love harder.
Complain less.
Anticipate more.

Hope the New Year brings you all the adventures you desire, kittens.  See you on the other side.

Humor, Husband, PBS

Hello, Lover!

“Bestow thy flickering light forever.”
– Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes

You haven’t heard from me much, piglets.  Shall I tell you why?  And shall we agree that you won’t judge me about it – at least not very much?

Well, as you may recall, J. and I canceled our cable.  Our cable company, being the dirty rotten sort that they are, was going to hike our monthly fee to over a hundred dollars!  Outrageous!  If you haven’t noticed, you can watch most shows online these days (completely legally, even!), so paying $100 for something you can get for free is ludicrous even by cable companies’ skewed logic.  We gleefully turned in our modem and bade adieu over a lunch break.

We were sheepishly astonished at how much free time we had after severing all ties.  Embarrassed really.  J. missed his sports channels, but he has several friends in the area to watch sports with at their houses (his own loving wife having still not quite learned to love ESPN).  The real blow for me was giving up PBS (love of my life).  However, using our TV just for movies was a good choice in a lot of ways, and I still had the internet to indulge in this Masterpiece Mystery – speaking of which, have you seen Sherlock yet?  No?!  Find it and watch it at once.

But then.  Then.

J. bought me a digital antenna for Christmas.  I now have not one but five PBS channels plus several others this magical little box sitting on our TV stand plucked out of the ether.  I like that guy so much.

And thus, I am as good as dead to the word.

Sigh. I have missed thee.
Family, Food, Holidays, Humor

Food Coma

Vegetables are a must on a diet.  I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.
~Jim Davis

Hello, darlings.  All alive out there, no major holiday-induced injuries?  Good.  We spent this holiday with J.’s family.  Wrestling with nephews, performing in a small Christmas concert organized by nieces, and eating!

Honestly, I can’t remember eating so much anytime in recent memory.  I struggle with eating enough, I just don’t get hungry very often – much to the confusion of my husband who marvels that I can survive on a diet that’s a fraction of his.  Small amounts of food fill a small body up…usually.

No more pie! Just leave me!

I went completely overboard this weekend!  Cinnamon Pecan French Toast, ham and piles of western potatoes (meaning slathered in sour cream, cheese, and onions), my culinary genius sister-in-law’s baked ziti, and not nearly enough salad.  To say nothing of the goodies that came in stockings.  And the candy scattered all over three houses.  Oh dear.

Which, as you may have guessed, means that the obligatory New Year’s diet starts a bit sooner this year.  The combined forces of Birth Control, laziness, and the all-consuming desire I have to hibernate in winter have turned my physique inside out and that ends today!

Maybe.

Humor, Work

Stir. Crazy.

“The cure for boredom is curiosity.  There is no cure for curiosity.”
– Ellen Parr

Minions.

I’ve done it.

It took me three days of no work coupled with a hyperactive personality, but I’ve done it.

I’ve come to the end of the internet.

Save me.

NOTHING LEFT TO CHEW OR READ OR WRITE OR DESTROY OR CLEAN OR BAKE OR SHOP FOR OR...

 

Humor, Work

Are We On Holiday Yet?!

It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem.  For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much – the wheel, New York, wars and so on – whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time.  But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man – for precisely the same reasons.
~Douglas Adams, The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

All this down time at the office leaves too much time for internet surfing.  And internet surfing leads, as you know, to things like the following: