“Arrange food, wine, and a sit-down orgy for fourteen.”
-A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum
Let me recommend Parties by Venice, Inc. for your next soiree! In spite of a torrential downpour, the girl threw me an absolutely fab bridal shower: almost everyone invited came, the food was delicious, and the games were fun (as opposed to the usual shower games that make the victims want to set fire to their obligatory toilet paper dresses).
The presents were absolutely scandalous (loved ’em) and, as you see, did not result in my demise at the hands of his shocked relatives! In addition to silk and lace, I also got a funny slip with sheep all over it from Marie (a tribute to our sheep-infested trip to Notherumberland last summer), a cookbook from Darling (presumably to aid in the feeding of her son), and an IRON! Which marks a huge step in my career as an adult, seeing as I’ve gone five years without one by relying on friends’ and bringing my clothes into the bathroom with me to shower. Marvelous!
All in all, this shower was a great improvement over the last time someone tried to give me lingerie! The summer before I went away to university, my family and I were travelling around, visiting our extended family and we stayed a week with my grandmother who is an…interesting person. Well, one day she took me aside and said she had a present for me and led me into her room where she pulled something out of a drawer.
“You’re going to be meeting all sorts of people and boyfriends at school, so you probably need something a little sexy.”
I felt my eyes bug, but was too deep in shock to stop what was happening. Grandma whipped out what can only loosely be described at lingerie and I nearly choked.
It looked like something Shirley Temple would wear! Gathered at the neck, the SHEER material fell in pleats to the waist and the bottoms looked like the decorative cover one puts over a baby’s diaper. It was obviously old (and previously owned…by my grandmother…gah…) and a faded shade of grayish pink which only added to the horror. Easily the most disturbing thing I’d ever been forced into contact with.
“Now,” Grandma began, “when two people are dating and like each other–”
I bolted from the room sputtering and collapsed on the couch by my parents laughing. Later I think my mother tactfully informed her that the, er, inter-personal aspect of my adolescent education was something they had covered, thanks very much, and it wasn’t exactly her place to give me The Talk at eighteen. Much less encourage wanton promiscuity, seeing as I was going to a conservative, religiously funded school. My grandmother got offended.