“‘You could always try relaxing.’
Relaxing! She was way too hyper!”
Long ago I discovered that I work best when I frame my life projects and goals as battles to be won (yes, I am Napolean reincarnated). Thus my life is tiny parade of tiny crusades that I participate in valiantly and no one really cares about but me. Case in point: blackheads. Hate ’em! Loathe em! I have a mission, nay, a calling to eradicate those nasty little buggers and a whole arsenal at my disposal including cleansers, extractors, a new toy – Clean ‘n Clear Blackhead Eraser – recommended by Venice and seconded by me, and Biore Pore Strips, aka God’s Gift to Noses. Want to seriously gross yourself out? Slap one of those babies on and see how much gunk it pulls out of your face!
Of course, this mentality has side effects. Since I’m in a state of perpetual warfare with blackheads I often make the mistake of thinking other people are too. So when I see people merrily prancing through their lives, seemingly indifferent to the noxious body waste pooling in their pores, I just want to attack them with salic acid. The crusader aiming a sword stroke at the Turk and demanding, “Convert, heathen!” while they stare back in confused disdain, “What exactly is your problem?”
Occasionally my battles are of a more productive variety. I’ve written several times of my Battle of the Bulge, even though I’ll be the first to admit that since buying a dress the ferocity of my attacks have put a serious dent in enemy flanks (plus my own flanks, I might add smugly). I’ve also campaigned against landlords, laundry piles of epic proportions, work projects, more recently wedding planning, mountains during hiking trips, treadmills, and shoes that think I won’t be able to break them in (HA!).
I am aware that this is a rather exhausting way to live life. For example, the university does this health reward program which gives participants $25 per lifestyle even they chose to participate in. This month it’s a goal to walk a certain amount every day. Not a problem, I though originally, I can easily meet that quota during my gym time. But then I looked online today…and some guy (with an unfortunately chosen Lord of the Rings nickname, I think he’s trying to be one of the characters) had already logged ten times what I had. Just counting at the gym, was I?! I THINK NOT! I dashed over to the university health center and got myself one of their sad, cheap little pedometers and have been annoying people with it’s rattling sound ever since! Competitive? Me?