“What had she been thinking of? She just wasn’t the kind of person who lost it. Other people did, and good luck to them. But not Lisa- like it or not she was a survivor. Not that she didn’t feel raw and lonely and wretched, she did. But nervous breakdowns were like colored contacts-fine for other people, but they weren’t really her.“
– Marian Keyes, Sushi for Beginners
Coming as unexpectedly and I expected, as unpredictably as I predicted, a sudden, intense burst of anger and disappointment. A vivid desire that I was not so self-contained so that I could throw myself on the floor and wail. A distinct and palpable sense of cosmic betrayal.
I was supposed to move to London in two months, and now I’m probably not moving there until February, and J. is going to be on his own, we’ll have to meet up halfway in Virginia for Christmas, six months without my best friend, etc. etc. etc. Angst, angst, angst.
If J. and I together had decided from the beginning that I would stay behind and catch up later using a visitor’s visa, or even just extended trips, that would have been one thing, but for the past several months we’ve been operating under the scheme of going to London together. It’s one thing to make travel plans, and entirely another to have travel plans “thrust upon ’em.” I’ve also been planning on leaving me job in mid-September and have been preparing accordingly… which is just too darn bad because I most likely won’t be going until February instead.
Which is not to say that there isn’t a plan. Of course there is (don’t you know me at all?). It’s just that I had this other plan and it’s be been throw completely off course and Small Dogs do not deal well with such things. I’m ferociously disappointed about not getting to go to London as planned, and I’m less than thrilled at the thought of being stuck here for an additional 6 months while J. is stuck equally alone across the ocean.
The separation will hardly be fun, but it’s entirely doable. The real underlying frustration for me was the sense that going to London for grad school was the Next Great Step in Life…and now I’ve stagnated again. I’ve felt thus ever since graduating and waiting for J. to finish his undergraduate as well. I was ready to move forward onto the next phase…and now I feel that I’m going to be (even if just temporarily) left behind. And it makes almost unbearably sad.
Truth? I’m going through the most sensible freak out of my life right now, which is hardly as satisfying as a good old fashioned tantrum…but I must face it. I’m one of life’s Make It Work types. As gratifying as it would be to take to my bed and demand my smelling salts, I’m just not that girl. So I’m pressing on with the moving advice, tips, posts, and general attitude. After all, it’s only been delayed.
However, in all fairness, it’s been rainy and muggy all day so my attitude may be entirely a byproduct of the weather.
More likely I’m just having a bad day.