“Sweet is revenge – especially to women.”
– Lord Byron
Good morning, minions. Where can I get the best real-looking plastic snakes money can buy?
Last week, after doing the laundry run, I returned the key to Lt. Colossus as per usual. Then J. and I headed up to the City for the evening. I’d left my phone at home because it needed to charge, and when we came back I had about half a dozen messages on it that proceeded thus:
“C. this is —- from work, Lt. Colossus asked me to call you and find out where you left the key to the van. Could you call me back? Thanks.”
“C. this is —- again, we really need that key.”
“This is Officer —-, I’m not happy. You know that you’re supposed to turn that key into Colossus when you’re done, it’s not your car. We need to use it.”
“C., Colossus. Where the hell is that key? You know better than to keep it, damn it! We need it!”
“C.! Where is it?!”
“C. Hi…sorry…this is Colossus…I found the key…see you tomorrow.”
The blasted man, after having told all the officers on duty who needed the van that I had absconded with their blessed key, had accidentally taken it home with him in his pants pocket. Jupiter Ammon, what is it with men and pants in this office?!
But to add insult to injury, this morning he found Lt. Citrus pressing a uniform in the supply room and cracked, “Shouldn’t you have to wear a skirt to do that?”
Wise heard him and let him have it with both barrels.
“But you girls weren’t supposed to hear that,” he protested.
“It’s sexist whether we hear it or not,” I retorted.
“You just have not sense of humor,” he tried to tease.
Foolish, foolish man. I’ve officially lost patience with your mild but all-pervading sexism and your tendency to blame things on me. And unlike most women you seem to know, I am not of the ignore-it-and-it-will-go-away persuasion. Also I know three very important things about you. 1 – that you scream like a girl, 2 – that you are terrified of snakes, 3 – your locker combination.
There are many ways to cure sexism and undesirable behavior. I choose psychological warfare.
Small Dog Syndrome 
http://www.explosm.net/comics/1977/
We Admins know all the important things. 1. Where the bodies are buried, 2. Where the money is, and 3. How to plant all the incriminating evidence without breaking a sweat!
But isn’t saying he screams like a girl just perpetuating everything you are so miffed about in the first place?
Secondly – I think you need a vacation.
No, because it’s an accurate depiction of both tone an decibel. He sounds like a 13 year old girl at a Justin Bieber concert.
Cannot wait to hear how this plays out.
Ah ah! I like how you cleverly tied it back to the snakes there at the end. I had begun to wonder…
Brilliant!
Oh yaaa. Can’t wait to hear how this goes!
Oh, how I love thee.
For the next few weeks, I would advise a group text to all the officers notifying them each time the key has been transferred. It will serve as a useful reminder that brashly blaming you has long term and public consequences. Of course, the first recipient on the list must be Colossus.
Such a policy on your part for all ‘blaming events’ will teach your immature group of ‘leaders’ the value of handling staff shortcomings privately until all the facts are in.
Well theres dad being logical again. C, plastic’s a bit cheap. Use a real snake.
Oh, and name him Ricky the Ravaging Reminder.