The Tale of the Demon Baby


“You know those shows?  The one where the foreign nanny comes to fix the broken, angry kids and they all scream a certain way?  That’s what the kid sounds like.”

In the flat in between mine and Venice’s dwells a couple.  About a year ago, this seemingly normal couple spawned and the wife was brought to bed of an apparently fine boy.  However as the weeks went by, it became increasingly obvious to all (except the parents) that there was something wrong…

This evil baby communicates in a charming fake British accent...
This evil baby communicates in an understandable, if fake British accent...

To boil down months of annoyance and sleepless nights to a single sentence, the child is a Screamer.  And he has somehow mastered the dark art of knowing exactly when a neighbor is nodding off.  Or when it’s 3a.m.  Or when you’re carrying something easily breakable and likely to be dropped at the sound of a sudden shriek.  Or if it senses smiles and happiness, which the Creature cannot abide.

As rotten luck would have it his bedroom abuts Venice and Val’s, but they aren’t the only victims to this child’s nightly symphonies.  Our building is made of three rows of  four flats…and everyone one of us can hear the baby.  And we have no idea what his parents are doing because he screams for hours at a time and it sounds like no one picks him up or anything, he just lies in his bed and makes his misery heard.  I myself have rarely glimpsed Demon Baby out in daylight, just a couple of times while his parents were putting him (screaming) into his car seat.  J. says that he’s seen them walking around the neighborhood and the kid, when not screaming, sill has a perma-scowl.  It apparently hates the world. 

...this baby communicates through sheer rage.
...this baby communicates through sheer rage.

A couple of tenets have casually mentioned it to our landlords, but most of us are keeping mum.  Partly because it’s a delicate business making one’s frustrations with one’s neighbors known…and partly because our landlord and his wife are themselves expecting their first child any second now and no one wants to fill the soon-to-be mother with horrible worries.  Even though she herself has expressed concern that she will give birth to Demon Baby 2.0.  Pray for us all.

3 thoughts on “The Tale of the Demon Baby”

  1. C,
    Sounds like the story of your brother Gio. Having used his little skull as a battering ram to smash apart the lintel of his doorway into the world (breaking your mother’s pelvis) he found he no longer had a fontanelle; i.e., his brain was being crushed by his own skull. I suppose this resulted in a permanent headache that could only be relieved by sharing it with others, through perpetual screaming. My point being that Gio screamed for two years and we found no way to quiet him.

    Try moving away.


    PS: don’t share this story with your landlady.

  2. As a baby I was one of those screamers, unless my mother happened to be holding me. Some babies just suck (ha, both literally and figuratively). Instead of moving, scheme a way to get your neighbors to do it instead.

  3. P.S. I’m back in town now (I got a job), so let’s hang out. I miss the days of our ANTM parties. And by parties I mean the two of us watching the tv. But with the two of us, why would anyone need the company of anyone else?

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