“I’m Henry the eighth, I am
Henry the eighth, I am, I am
I got married to the widow next door
She’s been married seven times before.”
– Henry Champion

Thank goodness for Beyonce. In all things, really, but specifically when we need a break from the news, be it babies or the Grammys.

Funnily enough, a couple of weekends ago, a Very Important Discussion ensued between Katarina and myself about which Beyonce songs corresponded best with which wives of Henry VIII. We’re fairly intersectional here at SDS headquarters.

After some debate and reallocation, we feel like we nailed the perfect “Wives Pairing” to match women to power anthems/ballads and thought it was only appropriate that we put our selections out to be judged. Therefore, in the interest of making your Monday a bit more fun and ridiculous, find our picks below!

Katherine of Aragon – Hold Up, Don’t Hurt Yourself
The thesis of more than one of our many historical conversations has been that even though Anne Boleyn gets a lot of press time for the break up of the Tudor marriage/English church, the truth is that the story of the king’s Great Matter wouldn’t have been the drama it was if not for Katherine holding her ground in defense of her marriage and title as queen…for years. After turning a blind eye to Henry’s peccadilloes for most of her marriage, when she finally came at him for threatening her with an annulment or convent, she did so on a European wide scale that included trials, Emperors, and popes. Don’t hurt yourself, indeed!

Anne Boleyn – Diva, Ring the Alarm
Anne was nothing if not a hustler and so Beyonce’s definition thereof must stand! By far the most famous of Henry’s wives, even if we think a lot of the credit for her fame actually lies at her predecessor’s feet, she was unable to live with the dangerous precedent she herself had set at court: namely, making the leap from side piece to main squeeze. The caution in her story is that you lose them the way you get them.

Jane Seymour – Rather Die Young, If I Were a Boy
Jane doesn’t get her just dues sometimes…but we’re just as guilty of that as anyone. Sorry Jane. We went for on-the-nose picks for you.

Anne of Cleves – Me Myself and I, Best Thing I Never Had
Anne of Cleves should go down as one of history’s greatest survivors. Not only did she get out of a marriage to a–by that time–fat, diseased, and tyrannical man, she walked away with an amazing settlement and lived out the rest of her life independently wealthy and relatively secure. Atta girl, Annie!

Catherine Howard – Single Ladies, Check on It
I feel like these song choices are fairly self explanatory. She made him put a ring on it and she flaunted what he wanted. Catherine came to a tragic end, but as I tend to view her more as a victimized young woman, we’re focusing on her flirty nature in upbeat, positive picks rather than downer songs.

Katherine Parr – Run the World, Irreplaceable
The first queen to publish a book under her own name, she also served as regent, and oversaw the education of her stepchildren (to excellent effect). Not to mention that after Henry’s largely unlamented death, she had a replacement waiting in the wings.

This sort of important historical theorizing should be what keeps scholars up at night. Let me know what you think of our picks, and loudly disagree with us in the comments if you feel so inclined!