Ducklings, May I Ramble?

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
– Socrates

Confession time.  I was an excellent girlfriend when J. and I were dating.  I was independent, clever, fun to be around, liked trying new things, was optimistic, and supportive (oh, and definitely humble).  By anyone’s standards I really was a catch.

Alternatively, I’m starting to think that I really suck at being a wife.

To start out with, I am stressed all the time…but I think this is pretty understandable.  When we got married, I assumed the rent, food, utilities, car payments, insurance, two credit cards, and the general livelihood of two people, solely by myself.  Just so we are clear I am happy to do this, but I can’t lie, it’s an awfully big pressure.  I live in fear of unlikely events (pregnancy, job loss, etc.) because of how it will affect my family.  It’s a Great Big Worry to carry around all by myself and I confess, I probably exacerbate the stress by trying (in all my control freak, Small Dog glory) to plan and be prepared for every eventuality.  Which is, of course, impossible.

It’s also very hard for me to adjust my thinking to his.  His life revolves around school, I graduated two years ago and now work full time.  Most of his friends still live in the area or within an hour’s driving, most of my friends (exception of Margot and Angel) are in different states/countries and my nearby family is pretty busy these days.  Honestly, it can get terribly lonely working a subsistence job, having a thinned out support system,  and bearing the financial weight of two people.  I’ve always been pretty good at entertaining myself, keeping myself busy, but honestly it’s downright exhausting these days.

This stress builds up to the point the small things violate my sense of order.  If the rubbish isn’t taken out when I ask, if the house is a mess, if I have a bad day at work, or if…you get the idea.  Complete transformation into a snarling Gorgon.

Small things become massive disappointments, such as when J. applied for a job and didn’t get it (even though they wanted him) because he’s graduating in six months and they want someone for longer.

I have a sneaking suspicion that I’m not fun to be married to these days.  I’m worried, shrewish, tired, easily irritated…I’m the exact opposite of what I was as a girlfriend.  And even though I’m sure a good chunk of this can be tied to my birth control being out of whack, I’m feeling miserable about it.

10 thoughts on “Ducklings, May I Ramble?”

  1. Have you been married a year yet? I know you may have heard this already, but the first year really is the hardest (even though i didn’t realize it at the time). Things tend to iron out around year two. You should have SEEN the fights brian and I got into.

  2. Word = I hear ya. I hold a huge load of the responsibility in our marriage: money, food, cleaning, organizing, scheduling. Heck, I’m practically the alarm clock. I’m always exhausted. I love that man – but I don’t know sometimes if I’d wanna be married to me carrying around all this…responsibility.

      1. Well, I’m glad. You are equally as awesome as me. (and, let’s admit it now, I’m pretty awesome). 😉 You can do it. Just do it for yourself sometimes. Don’t forget to be a little selfish sometimes. When you are cooking or cleaning or working, repeat the phrase, “I’m doing this for ME.” And then just revel in the glory that it also makes the hub happier, too.

  3. There is an old, OLD southern saying “Let go, Let God.” I’m not very good at the letting go part, as my controlling nature wants to … well control. That being said, sometimes I just take a deep breath and really let it all go. And it’s okay. All the stress, anger and weird little resentments slid away and joy comes bubbling back in.

    You are much merrier than you think. Less crankier than you feel. You’ll look back at this time and bore your spawn with stories about how you made a penny shriek in terror and lose its copper.

    Just breathe.

  4. I had every intention of giving you a massive hug until our conversation was interrupted; know that you have a raincheck.

    You could always do what I do, and take a drinking glass I don’t particularly care for and smash it with every energy and force. Something about picking up all those pieces helps me remember that my life is not in shambles yet.

    Love you!

  5. I cannot tell you how much I seriously agree with you. Isn’t it awful? Can we please play soon so our husbands can get some smiles on their faces from each other and we can maybe try to breathe for 2 seconds? It’s just an idea since we are only “within an hour drive” of you 😉 Love you sweetie, hang in there!

  6. Oh, I know just what you mean. I’ve been the sole breadwinner for our family three different times in our marriage and it is SUCH a drain.

    Blame the birth control.

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