The Emotional Equivelent of “LA LA LA! I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”

“Why the HELL didn’t I continue with French?!”
“Don’t swear.”
“Why the CUSS didn’t I continue with French?”
“Well, you can take classes.”
“Yes but if I don’t do well, and I haven’t studied it for three years, it will affect my GPA which will affect my application.  CUSS CUSS CUSS!”
– C. and J.

We all have them, but for about a month or so I’ve been going through a right awful funk.  And although I wish I could say I’ve been keeping it under wraps, I’m afraid it’s been spilling over a bit.  I’ve gotten noticeably sharp with people, even friends, short-tempered at work, and bitter about small things that have just seemed to mount on top of each other.  It culminated last night in a meeting for J.’s new fraternity for accountants when I was exhausted and stressed.  I tried to be funny but only succeeded in being rude, and collapsed in a sobbing pile of guilt when we got home. 

Unfortunately, I’m a bottler: I keep things locked up inside until the inevitable explosion that tends to leave a wake of destruction.  And even though we’ve all been told time and time again that this is not a healthy way to live, so many of us keep doing it because it has some obvious immediate benefits.

Liar.

My problems are petty and selfish, but that doesn’t make them irrelevant or mean they don’t affect my life. 

– I’m in a state of constant frustration that I spent four years getting an education, but work in a job that has nothing to do with what I studied (the European Studies field is not exactly conducive to jobs in the Western United States).

– I don’t really like living where we do.

Humph!

– Truthfully, I had this plan post-graduation, which involved me moving back to England.  I am an ENTJ, I frame my life in these little plans and get frustrated when they don’t come to fruition.  It wouldn’t matter if common sense, good counsel, or God changed my plans, I’d still get annoyed/angry if things didn’t work out the way that I had intended.  (Which I absolutely think happened in my decision to get married and stay in the States, and which I still think is probably the best decision I’ve made for myself.  It’s just not what I thought was in the cards a year and a half ago; that’s what makes my little control-freak, inner Napoleon jump up and down howling, “Zees was not le plan!”)

– I miss being in school and recently came to the conclusion, after much deliberation, that I wanted to pursue grad school.  And seeing as I can take classes for free, a perk of working for a university, why not?  Problem A) my major, which I loved and would not hesitate to choose again, did not really prepare me for any of the graduate degrees offered here.  My emphasis was in history and they have removed the MA in History degree (an idiotic move if ever there was one!).
Problem B) the next best degree, and one I am really interested in due to the interdisciplinary nature of the program, requires more classes in French.  Which, if I want to get into the program beginning this coming fall, I’d need to complete in record time.  A troublesome goal if one works full-time.  Oh!  And I’d need to take the GRE in about a month.

Mostly, I feel stuck.  I can’t progress (at least immediately) in the way I want my education to go, we aren’t leaving this area (at least immediately) for a small eternity, and I can’t pursue my own interests (at least immediately) due to duty to my family. 

And I’m the most impatient person I know!

There are treatments.  Obviously I need to take better care of myself.  I don’t work out anymore [again] and I’ve noticed that I haven’t been eating enough, which would put anyone in a strop.  I also don’t have any pursuits outside of work right now, and that’s soul-numbing.  I’m committed to grad school, but will I kill myself trying to make it happen all at once (or at least before the March application deadline)?  Maybe I should make it a goal for next year and work more slowly and steadily towards it instead of trying to rush it.

Weigh in, friends.  Had a minor life crisis recently?  Plans get disrupted?  Get impatient with goals that are attainable, but seem so far off?

13 thoughts on “The Emotional Equivelent of “LA LA LA! I CAN’T HEAR YOU!””

  1. I kinda feel you except for I have no freaken clue what I want to do in my future. All I know is that my job has nothing to do with my major and I need a change soon. Sigh…I don’t even know where to begin to decide what to do in my future but know that it all depends on what my husband does. Which is fine, but makes it harder…again…sigh….

    Good luck on making decisions.

  2. haha. my sister and i were just talking yesterday. i said, “i know this is stupid, but i am still mad about it.” and she said, “yeah, i know. but at least you can admit that you know it’s stupid.” and then we both came to the conclusion that, what does it matter if we can admit it? we’re too intelligent to believe the “if you can recognize those moods/feelings/blah blah blah, then you can change them” stuff. no you can’t. you can just recognize it. and still be mad about it. 🙂

    i’ll get off my butt and take the LSAT if you take the GRE.

  3. C,

    I totally understand how you feel girl. I spent 4 years getting a degree to be a Recreation Therapist, only to graduate and be told that a stupid teacher got his facts wrong, gave me the wrong facts, screwed me over, and that I would be unable to get the Therapy License I’d worked 4 years to get. So here I am, in a job related to the field I graduated in, but lacking the necessary credentials, so I get paid less now, with a Bachelor’s, then I ever got paid EARNING my Bachelor’s! And also studying miserably for a Certification Exam that is long overdue, after having repeated a Full-Time, 14 week internship. Sucky.

    In terms of being stuck in Utah, I’m with you there too. I had grand plans to live and work anywhere – the one stipulation was that it be OUTSIDE the US of A. But like you, I met the love of my life, got married, and am now living in Orem, Utah until further notice.

    As far as Grad School goes, my opinion is that you won’t have time to enjoy it if you spend the next few months completely stressing about getting in. You will enter Grad School feeling stressed about it, and not having even begun. I say take your time, take it slow. Love you!

  4. You are taking for granted the fact that you can take all the (very expensive) classes you want for free. You are taking for granted the fact that you are living at (near walking distance to) a world-class university. You are taking for granted your employment requires no brain power and leaves you big chunks of free time during the day/week. When you are living in a “faraway wonderland” you will not be near a great university with free classes and the time to study; you will be learning to create a home in a new place, engaged in the wifely pursuits of hubby’s new employer, possibly raising children, and likely unable to afford the cost of the nearest university on hubby’s newbee salary. The time to work on dreams is NOW.

    A PLAN:
    1. Enroll in free French classes starting in January.
    2. Mentally and emotionally disengage from THE OFFICE.
    3. Spend your free time at work productively working on your French.
    4. Plan on taking not this, but the NEXT GRE.
    5. Plan on enrolling in your program Fall 2010–whether you have the GRE taken and are formally in the program or not, you can at least begin accumulating the classes/credits (for FREE!).
    6. Be as busy at this plan as your husband is at his.

    Believe it or not, it will never be easier or cheaper or take less energy to get that grad degree than it is right now. Take as many steps toward it as you can. You and I once spent a summer together alone while your mom finished up her first grad degree. If she had started right away she would have had one less year to catch up on later.

    Press on. In two years you’ll be two years older. You might as well be two years older AND have a grad degree.

    Love you.

    Dad

  5. C, I think your dad’s smart.

    If you’re interested… The theatre I’m working with right now is having auditions for Fiddler on the Roof tomorrow.
    I would love it if you were to come try out with me… although it’s a bit of a drive, so I understand if that’s a barrier. I wouldn’t be doing it if I didn’t work so close to the theater.
    On the plus side, Hotty appreciates all the time he has to study these days while I’m occupied with performances.

    Give me a call?

  6. Wait, do we have the same dad? Because mine could have written that.

    I felt such angst about living in Utah. When we first got married, my husband was going through mega career-angst. He could not figure out what to do and I felt like we were just stagnating there in Utah (I didn’t want to live there in the first place, and I REALLY didn’t want to live there for no job/no career). So, I can completely empathize.

    Go for the masters. Take the French classes, take the GRE (easier than you think! Knowing you, even for only a semester, I am completely confident that you will rock it) and get working on the masters. You’ll love yourself for doing it.

    I have to say, there is something magical about having a masters degree. I love that I’m not saying “well, when my kids are in school/grown/moved out I’ll get a masters.” I love that I have it now. And I think it’ll give me some personal satisfaction when I’m a stay at home mom in the future.

  7. You have your inner Napoleon, I have my evil twin Luella who comes out and makes my change for me if I don’t take charge of my own life.

    Find the magic of the now. If you can do that, the plans will fall into place for the future. When I forget to live in the now, I lose sight of who I am. Then I’m miserable. You can make plans, you can have structure, just be ready to let the Master have a hand in your path.

    Just remember the John Lennon quote, “Life is what happens when you’re making other plans.” Live that life and I promise your future will unfold.

  8. Well, I didn’t read everyone else’s comments. They’re probably much better than mine. I can tell you though that recently I had a few life-changing experiences. The least of which was finding out that I can graduate in April and NOT next December like I previously thought. Since the most important of these L.C.E. was meeting future Mrs. CK, I decided to stick around and do what? Yup, grad school. So I get to take the GRE in about 9 days, haven’t had time to study for it yet, and I need to get letters of recommendation from faculty who don’t really know me…lots of fun aye? Actually, it’s proving to be a lot of fun. 🙂

  9. Well, I’ve already filled you in with the Reader’s Digest version of my most recent life crisis, so you’ll know where I’m coming from on this. I agree with your dad that the best remedy for your situation is action. It is obvious that a change needs to be made. So, do something!

    I have no regrets about any of the decisions I have made since I graduated. None. Even though I now find myself needing a new path (or at least heading in a different direction), I value the opportunities, experiences, and knowledge I have gained, not to mention the friendships that have been forged. And I have no doubt the same would hold true for you.

    Get out of your funk, make a change, take a chance, do something different. It truly can make all the difference in the world.

    Let me know if there is anything I can do to help out. I am going to have a lot more free time now and it looks like I’ll be spending the majority of my days in the Orem/Provo vicinity after the holidays. Maybe we could even find some pursuit outside of work to enjoy together since I’m certainly lacking in that area as well.

    Chin up girl!

  10. Had a minor life crisis recently? Yes. Actually major.
    Plans get disrupted? Yes. Very.
    Get impatient with goals that are attainable, but seem so far off? Yes. Seeming unattainable.

    The answer to these problems: No idea, but when you find out, let me know.

    In the mean time: escape in a good book (I Capture the Castle is my current escape), eat more cookie dough and try not to explode or die as a result of pent-up frustration.

    Love,
    Marie

  11. Well, as you know I went to grad school, dropped out, and after 2 years in unrelated work am applying to a new program. I say go for it!

    PS, the GRE is ridiculously easy. I didn’t study at all and took it on the way to a performance, and i got a 1510. So you’ll be fine.

    Miss you, sorellina!

  12. C,

    Major life plan changes? Hahaha, YES! I was going to to graduate in April or else finish up the double major this August. Then, I was going to head home to take care of my mom and sister while my step-dad pursued his master’s degree. Well, that won’t be happening! (Nevermind the almost married phases and such in the past that you may or may not remember.)

    I got swine flu, an upper respiratory virus and infection, and then pneumonia. I’m doing incomplete contracts in all my classes. I won’t be done until December or the NEXT April. And, I’m sort of okay with it.

    Now, mind you, last time I had a plan that I didn’t want to deviate from I was pushing my way through to the end goal when I ended up in a coma. Stubbornness does not pay off. So, no mission for Mena. No marriage after that/during that time period. No illustrious plans of medical school. (I never intended to marry a doctor so that’s not part of the list.) My GPA totally, completely, and probably irrevocably tanked; thus, closing off more options. What’s a girl to do?

    Heaven forbid, but the answer seems to be to Trust In The Lord. So, I’m stumbling through and finding blessing innumerable (and a bunch of crap, it must be acknowledged.) I went through the temple. I’m a temple worker (one of my two dream callings). I’m a Gospel Doctrine Sunday School Teacher (the other dream calling). And, I’m ward historian (that was type casting based on my interest in journal-keeping and family history).

    Any way, life plans change. That’s why they’re PLANS. 🙂

    Good luck. Now, go rock the grad school plans!

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