(Transcript of actual conversation that took place over the phone, ten minutes after we were done with Angry Law Student)
Caller: Hi this is ______, and I have a question for you.
C: How can I help you?
Caller: I’m wondering what it would take to get a parking permit for a horse on campus.
C: …I’m going to need a bit of background info on that question, sir…
Caller: Well, we’re trying to recruit this guy for the swim team and he loves his horses. So I jokingly told him we could get him a parking permit so he could ride his horse to school, and he really seemed interested. So, can I get him a permit or what do I need to do?
C: …Sir, you can’t park a horse anywhere. It’s a living animal.
Caller: Can’t he just tie to a bikerack or something? All we need is the permit.
C: Sir, I can’t issue you a motor vehicle permit for a horse!
Caller: Oh really! I want you to check with your supervisor, right now!
C: Yes, sir.
(Puts caller on hold and calls Lt. Figaro. Meanwhile Hennessy and Officer Lampost are cracking up just hearing my end of the conversation)
C: Figaro, I have a gentleman on the phone who would like to park a horse on campus.
Figaro: I beg your pardon?
C: Just what I said. Please tell me the answer is no, so I can relay the message.
Figaro: Of course it’s no! We don’t have the place for it…who would clean up after it!
C: I’m glad that’s our priority here, but I’ll let him know.
C: Sir, I spoke with the lieutenant, and the answer is most definitely no.
Caller: But why not?!
C: Because we don’t have an equestrian program here, which means we don’t have the facilities, equipment, tack, food, or pasturing for it.
Caller: Not even to a bikerack?
C: Tying it to a bikerack for hours at a time in the desert summer or the winter blizzards is not an option, sir.
Caller: But I’ve seen horses on campus before!
C: We bring a single pony onto campus one day a year for a demonstration in equine therapy for the physical therapy students, and you may have seen police on horseback for holiday parades or football games, but that isn’t with our department. We don’t have an equestrian police force.
Caller: So what am I supposed to tell our recruit?
C: I have no idea, sir.
Caller: No horse?
C: Absolutely no horse, sir.
Caller: Humph! Well thanks for nothing.